Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni
by Asarikou-chan
Summary: AU. His life was built on a painful lie and when his blind eyes saw the truth, he preferred to stay in the dark. But what if the acceptance of truth was the only way to live through his broken life?
1. Lost Between My Emotions

**Author Note**

Kontichiwa!

Finally, I managed to post this story. I wanted to make a prologue but I don't think it matters too much as I tried to explain the situation in this chapter so who wanted to consider the first chapter as prologue go on ^^". Why did I write this?Well, I like _IF_ questions so the story is built on one of them which you will discover once you read the chapter.

I didn't decide how long it will be as I didn't finish planning yet. Hopefully I will finish that soon. The title means **For What Was Broken**.(goggle's help of course)

Anyway, enjoy and tell me what you think. I need that guys^^"

**Disclaimer: I guess I don't own Digimon. Not now. Not ever.  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

**Chapter One**_  
><em>

_'Why am I here_?_''_

He asked himself the same painful,plain question for what could be the millionth time but his mind had always simply came with a simple' It doesn't matter'.Eventually,he gave up. It didn't matter anymore how many times he asked himself the same question as it occurred that the answer was always the same.

'It doesn't matter anymore'

Everything had fell apart upon his eyes three weeks ago;three miserable weeks. He couldn't believe what had happened…none of it.

He couldn't understand what was wrong and why did that _man_ come to the orphanage and took him to his home, to a new different life? Actually, he was used to foster houses but that wasn't a foster house…that was home.

_No!_

He shook his head, refusing to believe that the unbelievable illusion he lived in for more than eleven years had collapsed. The man that left his mom to die in front of his eyes. That man who left him for those years came now to righten things.

That man was his _father_.

He could feel his shaggy breathes, his hearts' hopeless pleads to stop working. Honestly,he himself begged his over-worked heart to rest in peace forever but even his own body refused to end everything. Cold sweet covered his forehead as a sign of his increased temperature. His right hand shivered as he put it on his chest to make sure that he was alive…not that he would mind being dead. His other hand clutched the white sheets of his cold bed. The room was lit with an artificial dim source of light that had lighten the place but not the mood of the people in it. His _new_ room consisted of twin beds with a drower between them .On the opposite wall,a large white closest and a studying desk for the original owner of the room. His eyes were tired from seeing the same things whenever he opened his eyes so he closed them tiredly.

'Sore wa daijōbudesu,' soothed a now-familiar feminine voice.

He raised his head weakly and looked at her sincere eyes. The woman he was living in her house now and the same woman that took his father from him and his dead mother smiled at him warmly. The irony was in how kind she was to him unlike the people he had dealt with in his painful past and unlike the people who were supposed to be nice to him; his _family_.

'How do you feel, Kouichi-kun?

He meant to say that he was okay but his body betrayed him forcing him to cough loudly. For precious seconds, he couldn't breath no matter how he tried.

His tired gasped alarmed the brown-short woman in front of him.

'Kouichi-kun, calm down please. It is all right! I will call the doctor,' her voice panicked as she hurried towards the door however his tired voice stopped her.

'I am fine,' he managed to whisper softly and rested his head on the bed head.

'Shikashi,'

'I am fine Minamoto-san,' he repeated in the same quite voice, looking at the ceiling.

'Don't call me that. I am only Satomi, okay?' she said sweetly and ruffled his hair gently while Kouichi stared at the sheets motionlessly and refused to look at her. His quite, devastated behavior forced her to pull her hand and to talk to him as gentle as she can, 'Dear, I know it is hard on you but you should get used to your new life. It won't be a few days or months. It is a life.'

He desperately knew that and it severely hurt. He whispered miserably, 'I…I want to go back, Onegai.'

'Where?' she blinked in confusion.

'The orphanage.'

His answer was bitter and cold as his voice trembled even more than his ached body. He spit it as fast as he can as if it was a forbidden curse. The orphanage, the place he lived in for more than seven years. The hell hole that witnessed his tears and pain. No one would ever ask to go to such a place where they treat children as sources of money, as tools to live. The children were the ones, who took care of themselves without a stable source of money for the orphanage, they had no choice. Any one who wanted to adopt a child from there should pay a massive amount of money as if it was the price of the child. It didn't matter even if it wasn't a family or a suitable foster home as long as they pay and as long as they…take the child back to the orphanage three months later to be sold again…How his _father_ managed to take him without that condition was a secret he shouldn't know about?

However, he knew what price he himself paid to be owned to the Minamoto family; his identity.

'Iie, _we_ won't let you go there. I can't stand how they maltreat children there as if they weren't even human. How could they deprive you from all your rights? That is unfair,' Satomi shivered slightly at the thought and her voice came shaken and angry not at him but rather at the person who left him there…her husband and the child's father.

She believed him when he told her that he didn't know what happened to his ex-wife and the child with her but that didn't mean she couldn't blame him.

'N…No it is not,' he screamed and clutched his heart, breathing faster,' I have no place here. At least that…that was my home. It doesn't matter how they treat us. That was the only way to keep us alive by selling us. If it weren't for them, I would be dead now. I wish I died with 'Kaa-san.'

He didn't know how many times he wished that wish. He was four years when she died because of tiredness and lack of everything; only two years after the divorce. She promised him in that chilly night that she would sleep and would wake up later to play with him before going to her work and he believed her by sleeping beside her and later panicking when she didn't awake as she promised. As a four-year old child, he didn't recognize what death mean till one of those whom his mother was in his debt came to take his money and found a child, crying over his mother's cold body,asking her to wake and play with him. They took her from him and sent him there. All those years, he waited his father to take him home but he never came and when he finally did he destroyed what was left from his life.

His father's wife and officially his adopted mom now looked away and sighed sadly at the child's depression, which was similar to another one's attitude but instead of depression anger took control.

The awkward silence controlled the air again, allowing loud shouts from reaching them.

Both of then knew who were fighting and why. No matter what was the reason for the original fight, it always reach that point.

'Don't lie to me! He is here to polish your nasty image.' came an angry, frustrated voice which became too familiar to the lied child.

'Kouji, you should be more respectful to-' a male older voice replied in a collected manner as if his words repeated themselves each time they fight.

'Why should I ? You lied to me all those years and brought him here,' Kouji snarled.

'Kouji, he is your-'

'I don't care. You didn't care when you left him in the orphanage. Why the hell do you allow yourself and prevent me?

'Kouji!'

'I had enough of you and him and that bit-'

'Kouji, don't be rude. Satomi loves you and you know that.'

'I don't want her or even you. I wish you would rot in hell.'

'K...Kouji'

'Shut up! Shut up!'

Those who heard the same quarrels everyday knew how it will end eventually either with Kouji leaving the home or his father giving up and going to work without even a reason for extra hours.

'He hates me,'

The soft muffled voice alarmed Satomi for it came completely different from the others downstairs.

'Iie, he is just confused and anger is his only way to express his frustration. It was a shock for him. Believe me, he is not heartless as he seemed. Just give him time!'

His hand came unconsciously to his right red cheek. For a known reason, she gave him a sympathetic look and sighed,' but I can't believe that he did that. Your father will make him apologize,'

'He doesn't want me. He wishes I died with mom. She died because she worked too hard to support me,'

'He didn't mean that. I mean he-'

'I am the reason she is dead,' he whimpered bitterly as another loud cough sent chills to the sitting woman. He clutched his chest tightly and gasped for air as his eyes became unfocused with blur vision and hot tears on his now pale face.

She shook him with apparent panic but he didn't respond to her attempts as she called frantically, 'Kouichi-kun! Onrgai, say something. Kouichi kun!'

Her cries mingled with the others' continues shouts .

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><p>'I didn't expect you to do that , Kouji,' Kousei Minamoto said, trying and failing to lower his angry voice.<p>

'Am I look like a good boy to you?' a child with similar features to the other sick child roared.

His father sighed in desperation and said in a calmer voice,' Kouji, he is sick. Try to understand that.'

'Oh,I wonder why you didn't.'Kouji said coldly.

'I didn't know and he wasn't sick when the divorce happened,' he said the last few words quickly as if ashamed of the child in front of him but the other didn't pay that any attention as he growled like a wolf,

'Liar! You knew all that time but when your damned co-worker wanted to adopt a child from there he told you how one of the children there look like me. You were worried that the false image you built would collapse if someone discovered that you left your son in an orphanage.'

'Kouji, I am a lawyer and trust is the most important thing I need. Our life would go up side down if anyone discovered the truth. I feel sorry for what happened but I swear I didn't know.'

'You hate him and mom so stop acting like you cared.'

'And that is your excuse to hurt him.'

'You did that more than me so why couldn't I share you the _fun_.'

'For God's sake, he is your brother, Kouji. Your twin. 'Kousei shouted in irritation and sat on the couch, trying to regain he energy for another round.

'No evidence for that!' Kouji muttered quietly and clenched his fists. His sound was hoarse and different from his previous growls as if he was hesitant to say what he said.

'W…What?' his father chocked with a hint of pure horror in his eyes.

'I saw you on the day you brought him here. You…You burned every single certificate or legal paper he had.'

The look his father had confirmed his accusing as he continued,' In front of him, you burned everything that proves his identity. In other words, he is officially a 'child from streets'. That is what people call them, right?'

'Kouji…I'

'He is not my brother in your law's point of view. You wanted him as an adopted child and nothing more. You don't care about him so why do you ask me to?'

'I do care; Kouji, but I can't lose what I built in years. I will give him a better life and think about that in my way What will your classmates say if they knew that you had a brother that lived most of his life in an orphanage without you even knowing that .On the other hand, if they knew that your family adopted such a child you will be more-'

'Shut up and don't involve me in this.' Kouji shouted in increased fury.

'Kouji, I didn't raise you like this.'

Kouji's temper reached its peak as he hit the table in front of him father and exploded, 'Why did you bring him here? He is begging me every night to let him go back to that place. Stop controlling my life and dragging whoever you want into it! I hate you and that woman and even that bastard-'

'Enough! '

The one who cried wasn't his father. They looked behind them to see Satomi who was crying harder that they ever saw her.

'Enough!' she repeated, putting her hand on her mouth to muffle her sobs.

'Honey!' her husband hushed, worried as he approached her and put an arm around her but her eyes kept focusing on her step-son who looked away.

'I am just a stranger and you have every right to hate me but he is not. He had nothing to hold on, Kouji,' she wept, 'I know how angry and frustrated you are but he doesn't deserve that.'

She glanced at her husband and said softly but worriedly, 'You should call a doctor. His condition became worse.'

'I did,' Kousei said simply , looking at Kouji and said in accused tone,' after seeing how much Kouji messed upwith him. The doctor will be here in few minutes. Don't worry, dear, he will be fine.'

Kouji didn't look at any of them, heading towards the door .His father shouted but he paid no attention.

'Kouji! Come back!'

The slam on the door answered him…again.

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><p>His eyes looked at the cloudy sky, feeling the little drops of rain on his body but he didn't care as his eyes rained the same drops.<p>

'Mama!'

He would never use that tone in front of anyone after all the lies he lived in and the half-truths they were giving him. His mother died _twice_ .He couldn't even remember her face except for an old picture his father _stole_ from the other child and gave it to him after killing everything related to his mom in front of the others' eyes.

Kouichi. His name was similar to his own and looked so familiar despite how much he tried to deny that. When he was a child, he was dreaming about two identical happy children but the dreams faded till they became next to nothing. He had always wanted a brother to love and to be himself with but when that brother came, he brought painful truths and sorrowful memories. If one asked him about his new found brother, he would simply describe him as a sad and lost child. He lowered his gaze to his pained hand, which was blaming him for using it to slap such a defenseless child.

'I…I didn't mean that,' he thought regretfully. _He knew 'Kaa-san. She died because of him in front of his eyes._

He gritted his teeth _Do I hate him for knowing 'Kaa-san. Jealous of someone who has nothing?_

More tears joined the raindrops answering his sever, torturing question.

**To Be Continued...**

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><p>I hope you liked the chapter ^^"<p>

Tell me what you think and any suggestions or criticism are much appreciated.

Kouji is kinda jerk at the beginning but _well_ who wouldn't be in such situation. It will be much fun to play with the twins from the very beginning*evil grin*.

BTW: Kouichi's illness isn't the core point in the story but I will try to explain it later, but for now it is because of his weak immune system and normal sickness and Kousei's words about not knowing proves that his illness isn't a deadly one so no worries. I am not killing him not at this story at least.

Thanks for reading ^^"

(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)

Sore wa daijōbudesu:It is okay

Shikashi:but

'Kaa-san:Mother

Onegai:please

Iie:No

(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)


	2. The Shared Portrait

**Author Note**

Hi again.

I guess I have updated faster than usual for this story Hehe. I have roughly finished planning so this story will be about 30 chapters, however I am not really sure(it could be less or more than that as too many ideas can be written in this one).You don't know how things could turn to one you started writing. This chapter is kinda focusing on Kouji more and it is related to the previous chapter's end.

Thanks to **_nena-san, shadowluvr13, Immortal Fallen Radiance, Love4dreams, yui minatsuki _**for their reviews and another thanks for those who added this story to their favorite list or their alerts. Etto... a big Arigato for whoever read it too. I hope you will enjoy this chapter as well. Please read and review ^^"

****Disclaimer: I guess I don't own Digimon. Not now. Not ever.****

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><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

**Chapter Two**

**The Shared Portrait**

Where he was going was something his legs didn't care too much about while leading him as far from his house as they could. The rain wiped his frustrated and angry emotions for the time being, giving him a chance to reshuffle things again in his life. His body wasn't responding to the biting coldness as he kept moving aimlessly.

It was too unlike him to do something like that without planning. His policy in thinking and preparing for every move collapsed all together after knowing how deceived he was. Thinking didn't help him to connect the dots years ago despite the painful hints his life was full non existent grave of his mother, his father's stuttering whenever his mom is mentioned and the dreams he had when he was a child proved how unperceptive he was back then. For now, the only coherent thought he had was that he would go home around midnight as it became the normal time for him to go back home after everything cool down. Numb feelings chased him but he abandoned them for now…there will be time for them later. Is it too much to ask for the peace of his mind?

Apparently, yes, as the second he moved his feet to take another step, he found himself tumbling to the dirty ground with some one knocking him in his way. The other sat quickly realizing what he did while Kouji groaned in annoyance more than in pain when he opened his eyes to see the idiot that today would never be his lucky day.

Not too bad, though. It had been long time since he tested his Kendo skills on a living thing . The last unlucky one was still in the hospital after few minutes of a hopeless fight with him and a good week of dentition for Kouji. The difference here that there was no school to punish him and he was more than free to teach whoever knocked him a lesson as long as that person wasn't a girl and he was sure about that. A girl would keep stuttering in apologize but that idiot didn't say anything till now.

'Etto…Kouji. Do you intend to sit there too long?'

He raised his head to see a standing figure and a hand to grip his own. Surprisingly, he took it.

'Lucky!' Kouji muttered before standing with the other's help.

'I guess. From that look on your eyes, I thought I am it had been someone else you would have committed a crime' he said sheepishly in apparent fear.

'Whatever! What are you doing here anyway, Takuya?'

'The same question to you, buddy.' Takuya shrugged then feeling that the other won't respond, he answered the original question.' I had a fight with Shinya as usual. I am used to running away to clear my head, you know. The one who isn't used to walk in a rainy day without an umbrella is you, Kouji.'

Kouji avoided the other's gaze but Takuya insisted to look at him and said after few moments in realization as if he was answering a puzzle game.' You have a fight with your father…again, right?'

Kouji said sharply,' Mind your own problems.'

'I hope you didn't become out of control. Anyway, you can sleep over at my home tonight. It is not wise to catch a cold or return to your father for another round of verbal fight,' Takuya offered, grinning in his famous wide grin.

'Shut up! I don't need your advice, goggle-head.' The raven-haired sneered but received a quite, calm answer. 'Actually you need in dealing with that talking-walking mirror of yours err I mean your twin. I can't believe till now that you have one.'

'I hit him.' Kouji said regretfully and suddenly as if he wanted to throw that heavy burden away from his chest, clenching the blamed hand tightly.

Takuya had blinked several times before the information registered to his mind. He gasped and lied his hands on Kouji's shoulders firmly, shocking him angrily, 'Why? You don't hurt those who can't fight back,Kouji. That is not like you at all!'

Kouji's eyes kept focusing on the ground as he muttered softly. 'I…I didn't want to do that. I was too mean to him and pushed him too far. He isn't a trouble making or wanting person but I forced him to fight back even if with words only.' he sighed and met his friend's eyes. 'It was my fault but I didn't admit it and I don't think I will admit it soon.'

'Kouji.'

It was so easy to talk to him. At least Takuya wasn't part of his tangled family and no matter what he told, nothing would change except the comfort he feels each time they talked. They were friends since Kouji transferred to his school. Back then he didn't want friends or any social relations but it was rather hard to avoid Kanbara Takuya and even if he didn't tell him that now he was glad that they became friends after a good fist fight sent both of them into dentition. If Takuya hadn't been here for him he would have either collapsed or exploded and in his case both were possible. He was used to keep everything inside but recently it became too hard to survive without crying his heart out.

'I will go home.' Kouji interrupted Takuya's thoughts even before saying them aloud. Before Takuya could try to stop him he muttered, not looking at him,' Your brother is already here.'

With that, he silently left. Takuya's younger brother was really there as he came, gave his brother his umbrella and said in apologetic manner, 'Gomen nasai, Onii-chan. Let's go home, please.'

Takuya nodded and ruffled his brother's short hair gently, looking at Kouji's from which disappeared behind few passing cars in the main road._' Till when he will stay lost? Sometimes I feel he is really sympathetic with that child, however in other times I feel as if he doesn't want anything more than his twin's disappearance.'_

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><p>His soft steps didn't attract his father or the doctor's attention as they continued talking in the office room. He climbed the stairs calmly with his soaked clothes. Thinking about the condition he came back with, he was happy (if happiness could exist at that moment)that he didn't see Satomi or he would be bombarded with hundreds of question and her worry over him.<p>

He was lying back then. Deep inside, he wanted to show his father how much he hurt him by contolling his life and Satomi's presence is one of those things his father injected into his life. He didn't hate her and maybe he didn't love her but he didn't despise her. He knew how determined and kind she was otherwise she would not bear such a life.

His room was empty as ever with the curtains down and it seemed as the cold atmosphere outside had controlled here too. The eleven-year-old child changed his clothes and put on a warm pair of dark blue pajamas. Sitting in his bed, he stared at the other child on the bed next to him. Kouichi was sleeping restlessly as he breathed heavily. He didn't know the reason for his illness but as Satomi and his father weren't that worried then it must have been unserious one or because of flu something...

_Since when I though about his wellbeing anyway! I shouldn't care._ He told himself numerous times but he simply did unitentially maybe but cared. The other's cheeks weren't pale anymore as his fever made them read with high temperature. His right cheek was redder than the other because of him…

He walked towards his desk and sat on the chair, looking at his hands as the memory of the incident before few hours resurfaced, bringing with it blame and shame.

_He was sitting in his desk's chair and looking at old portrait for his mother, which was stolen from the child. In attempt to please him, his father took it from the other but no matter how much glad Kouji was to have it, he never showed his gratitude. The kind woman in the portrait was smiling but anyone could easily catch the hint of sadness in her smile. It hurt to see her as much as he wanted to look at her picture; it hurt to Know that her smile wasn't to him but to the child who was supposed to have it._

_'Kouji-kun.'a trembled voice from the bed behind him reminded him of the other's presence. It had been three weeks since the other's interfere in their life not that he himself wanted to be in their home. In Kouji's eyes, Kouichi wasn't a family member, he was a stupid decorated addition to his room, he didn't need. _

_'Kouji-kun, Please, 'the other repeated desperately, praying for Kouji's attention._

_'Kun' he noticed. Brothers don't add that suffix between them but they weren't brothers. It was the first time Kouichi tried to talk to him and that needed a lots of courage Kouji didn't think that the other had but here he was calling for him._

_'Kouji-kun, please'_

_'What!' Kouji snapped and put the portrait on his desk, looking at the other angrily. What the hell would that trash ask for? he thought. Pink color appeared on Kouichi's cheeks as he lowered his head in embarrassment then added weakly, 'Onegai, Kouji-kun. I want to…to see the picture…'kaa-san picture, Onegai.' he looked at Kouji desperately and repeated,' Please I will return it back…Just few moments. I…I miss her.'_

_No. That picture was his now. He would never give it to him even if he begged him for hours._

_'Please, Kouji-kun. I promise I will give it. Onegai!'_

_'She isn't your mother anymore. You allowed him to burn her in front of your eyes,' Kouji snarled darkly. He knew very well that what his father did was not Kouichi's fault, yet he was here blaming him. What surprised him that Kouichi protested and rejected his words.' I don't need a paper to link me to 'kaa-san. She is always by my side and she will never leave me alone.'_

_'You allowed others to adopt you, to be your family and you abandoned her. Why would she love such a child like you?'_

_'No…You are lying. She loves me always and she will stay with me. You are the one who abandoned her.' Kouichi cried as his face became red with anger, causing Kouji to take a step back in surprise._

_'You and your father left us alone…she died because no one was there. No one to care about us. If you had tried to find her, if you had asked about her, she would have stayed alive but no one cared.' Kouichi sobbed with his voice hoarse and week._

_The other's protest enraged him and fueled his anger, his frustration and disbelief and before knowing it he slapped Kouichi mercilessly, causing the fragile body to fall on the bed harshly. He didn't stop there. He pinned him to the bed rougly and grasped his wrests firmly, looking at him in a fired blue eyes._

_ Kouichi's tears rolled on his cheeks in grief. He as breathed heavily and his eyes lost concentration before whimpering pathetically, 'She loves me…I have no one…no one else ... All what I want is…a life.' He closed his eyes and gasped for air,' and a family…I…I'_

_'You should be dead. She died because of you. You don't deserve her nor you deserve any one else. Do you think I didn't ask about her? How many times I asked father about her and he told me she was dead? I believed him. I didn't have any choice.' He tightened his grip and asked,' Why did you appear in my life. I wasn't even content with my life and you came to worsen it.' _

_Kouichi stopped crying but his tears kept flowing. There was something other than his tears on his cheeks…Drops of salty, hot water. Kouji's tears who seemed that he didn't even notice them as he continued shouting ,'You are right. No one wants you. My father will throw you away when he find a place to dump you in without people's talking or knowing. You are nothing. Deal with that!'_

_'I hate you…'Kouji whispered as Kouichi's eyes became empty , dull and dead but his lips moved unconsciously 'I want to go back...Why am I here?'_

_'Oh my god! What is going on? Kouji, leave him alone!' Satomi gasped as she opened the door._

_He was too lost to hear Satomi when she entered or to fight back her when she released the sick child from his hands and pulled him away from the other's bed. His father came seconds later and took Kouji downstairs to 'discuss' what happened._

'Mama!'

The memory faded and he found himself looking at the other child in sympathy.

_'She loves me…I have no one…I wanted a…a life and a family…'_Kouichi's words rang in his mind weaker than before. He looked at his sleeping form as he stirred and whispered again,' Mama!'

She was his mother too even with nothing to prove that now. He lost his identity but struggled to stay strong and to fight back. Kouji didn't expect him to defend himself and his mother's love to him but Kouichi did.

His eyes looked at the picture in his hand as his fingers trailed on the frame. Hesitantly but finally making up his mind, Kouji stood and walked slowly to the drawer between their beds. For few silent second he stood there, gazing at his restlessly sleeping brother. He held the portrait near to his chest and hugged it childishly then simply put it above the drawer and his heart became at ease after putting the portrait between them.

_'Kaa-san, I will let him see the picture for your sake only. You are proud of me now, right?'_. Two lines of hot tears tiptoed on his face as he smiled at the picture.

She was smiling at him…too.

**To Be Continued...**

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><p>It was a bittersweet chapter, ne? TOO much emotions for Kouji to handle but who knows may be he will do that. The end wasn't that bad.<p>

I guess it is a good change for him to be nicer but no one can trust Kouji when things became related to his contradicted feelings so don't take his behavior as a happy ending hehe*evil inner laugh*

Anyway, I hope you liked the chapter, please read, and tell me your opinions.


	3. Aoi Tori

**Author Note**

Konichiwa ^.^"

I am sorry for the late update. It wasn't too late,though. Thanks for _Immortal Fallen Radiance, Love4Dreams, Yui Minatsuki, hushin-chan and nena-san_ for reviewing. Thanks to you too, dear readers.

There is something I want to ask you about. It is about the P.O.V am using. Till now it is a third P.O.V. I am thinking of indulging Kouichi and Kouji's P.O.V from time to time after mentioning that of course. I mean a combination of their P.O.V and a third Point of View. So what do you think?

Anyway, here chapter three. Title means **Blue Bird**. Please read and have fun and let me know what you think about the chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or the song used in this fic. I own my writing, though.**

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><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

**Chapter Three**

**Aoi Tori  
><strong>

'Damn it'

The curse wasn't something he was used to utter, but it just came as frustration and annoyance overcome his system. The same events repeated themselves in school, forcing him to prefer coming home despite what that home meant to him now. Disability to concentrate at classes accompanied the late assignments in addition to the delay of some of his tests made his day worse.

He tried to focus, but it seemed impossible as whenever his mind found a space to dive in, he would find himself in his own little world, thinking about his mother's picture, his father's lies and his new found brother's life. It had been a month since then so practically that brother wasn't completely new addition anymore not that he became part of his life, for Kouichi would be asleep whenever he was at home. Nothing but a helpless decoration.

It didn't make sense to him. That boy wasn't ill in that concept of ill. He might be tired or even weak but not that illness that would keep him asleep almost all the time. _Shouldn't Satomi or even Otou-san do something about that?_ He debated himself seconds later at that thought bitterly _Why should I care?_

Kouji sighed again and picked his school bag after throwing it carelessly once he was at home. Satomi wasn't at home, he realized, not hearing her welcoming him in that motherly way he hated the most. In fact, he doesn't hate _her,_ but sometimes her kindness takes him off-guard and he really hates losing his grounds.

_How can I tell him?_

He thought about the teacher's request to see his father at school after the same teacher had delayed his mathematics' exam, which was supposed to be today, and offered to let him set for the made up test next week.

The teacher stated that Kouji's level at the subject was highly appreciated and he wouldn't risk giving his best student an exam when he wasn't in the mood. And seeing Takuya's mock jealousy after the teacher decision didn't help much to make him better. It seemed that nothing was able to comfort him these days. Scratch that. There were two things: Martial arts and music. The former was two days a week, which neither of them was today, and the latter was something he didn't listen to or produce for the past few weeks.

Personally, he refused to tell people about his fond of music as in his opinion those who love music are sensitive and able to express their hidden emotions in their performance and with no doubt he wasn't one of them. He would never consider himself as a kindhearted person who would feel himself in the tones and words of a song.

Anyway, he climbed the stairs quietly, took a deep breath in front of his room and opened the door.A deep breath became something normal in front of his currently occupied room in order to master his fake mask. It didn't matter though as the other would be always asleep.

He couldn't help but feeling that one of those times he would enter his room and find the other sitting in his bed and looking at him blankly.

Blankly, huh?

It is hard to imagine whichever expression his twin would use in front of him and as long as he doesn't even know him then blankly was the best concept here. What he had never expected was to see another person in the room, sitting comfortably on the edge of his bed and looking at the sleeping child.

'What are _you_ doing here?'

He spatted harshly as he narrowed his eyes, facing his father who seemed calmer than the last time they fought.

Kousei smiled a bit sadly but Kouji didn't seem to notice his father's pained expression. The question was rude but innocently normal. His father was rarely home so why on earth would he be sitting there in his room as if…waiting for him? Recently, they had avoided any unnecessary fight through closing themselves and it was a bit easier for his father as being out was part of his daily life.

'Satomi went shopping and you were at school. We couldn't leave him alone,' Kousei said flatly.

Kouji's eyes widen uncharacteristically for him._What is he talking about? He left his cases and clients just to sit beside a sick child? He never cared about me or anyone but his damned work and yet he was here ?_

Secretly, Kouji was tad glad that his father didn't catch his surprised face which allowed him to put his mask again and to ask in a calm manner and a bit tough one too, 'No that! Why are you in _my_ room?'

'Is something wrong in checking my _sons'_ room?'

noticed. It surprised him to no end to hear his father using that plura,l but he wasn't the one to show his surprise in front of others. Well, his father wasn't an easy person to debate. After all, he is a lawyer. His job is to play with words to achieve his purposes; not that Kouji knew much about his father's work except his vague image of lawyers that they are ready to sell their principles to justify a client's case. To be honest, he never talked to him about work or how it was. That work stole his father from him since he was a child and was the reason for his marriage. He had always considered that the reason beyond his father's remarriage was that the lawyer couldn't take care of him anymore because of his work .

'Stop talking as if you care. You never did,'Kouji snapped, feeling a sense of repetition of his words. It is not the first time he said them but usually his father will answer with a simple 'I do care' which he did this time too…sort of.

'Even if you didn't understand or want to understand, I care about both of you. I know that what I did with his birth certificate was wrong and I know I should have asked about him but that dosn't mea-'

'Now I am the one who can't understand. I am done of your lies. Stop considering the house as a court! '

'Aren't we done from this ? We talked enough about that.'

Even if Kousei tried to deny that he was fighting in his own home as if he was justifying himself in a court, it was the truth. He was the criminal in his son's eyes and he was trying to at least het him listen to his fought enough about that but it was always the same result: Kouji wasn't willing to understand or to…forgive.

'I deserve a second chance. I want to fix things, son.'

'Fix!' Kouji laughed rather awkwardly then closed his eyes slowly, 'You can't. It is too late now. You got your chance when you brought him here but still you did what you did.'

'What would a paper change, Kouji? I want to protect the family and the life I worked too hard to built. I will give him a better, different life. Even if under the term of an adopted child. One day he will understand that what I did was for the best. He will forgive me…eventually.'

'Nonsense! He would never forgive you. He hates you already.'

It was rather predjuice to project his feelings on others but he felt that it was completely logical. Even though he never talked to that kid but it will be a normal reaction for someone who knew after all these painful, humiliating years that his father was alive, happy and rich, leaving him to suffer and even when he appeared he destroyed his ties to his mother so he must have hated that man. It is not even a question, Kouji thought. However the almost uncharacteristic reaction of his father at his words made him in maze.

'N-No. He-He doesn't hate me. He is…just scared. That's all. Yes just scared.'

His voice trembeled as he shook his head violently and added in a chocked voice but much calmer than the growl-like voice in the previous sentence,' Kouichi needs time. That is all. To build a new life, you have to get rid of the old one.'

_Kouichi_

Kouji never used that name in their fights. Kouichi was always…he or the other even when he was debating himself. The fact that his father used his elder's son's name(He knew that the other was older than him by three minutes; something he didn't believe) in addition to his defense against what seemed to Kouji a lost case surprised him.

'To build a new life, huh?Like what you did to 'Kaa-san and him when you remarried and left them,' Kouji asked softly as if he was talking to himself.

It was a rhetorical question so naturally his father didn't answer instead he moved to the door and intended to leave before saying quietly in his cool, calm voice, 'Satomi will be here soon. Tell her I won't make it to dinner,' he paused as if challenging what to say, 'and...'

Kouji raised a brow and looked suspiciously at the change of tone. It seemed that his father did that a lot in the previous few minutes. First, calm and a bit sad then chocked…calm again and now it was a warm tone, he soesn't remember when was the last time he heard that. i t had been long time. No doubt.

'I am proud of you, Kouji,' Kousei turned slowly to face his son again and said in a much warmer tone,' For sharing the photo between you two. Another fault I committed is taking it from him, but you deserved to see it too as I didn't have a picture for her. You know even if you were rude towards me and Satomi, but whenever you are quarreling with me, you always talk about his pain, because you care.'

_Do __I?_

He didn't notice that but thinking about it, he knew that it was true. How many times he blamed his father for what happened to his brother, for his suffer and pain and even his illness? Does that mean he really care about his brother?

Brother…He never felt that or was that care a part of what brothers feel. No he doesn't feel anything. And even if he felt a thing, it was for their mother's sake,right?It was a sort of pity but not care. He hates those who can't fight back, so normally he won't pity them as they are the ones who decide how people look at them. The only talk between him and Kouichi ended with a fight and that kid defending himself

Yes that was it.

The only reason he was _tad_ interested about the other is that mysterious, painful and yet innocent atmosphere around him. It wasn't his fault that those things were easily reflected on the other's sleeping face all the time; not that he started at him but sometimes seeing such an identical face and yet with foreign expression was… nice.

The second he opened his eyes and looked at where his father was standing, he found nothing but a closed door.

He felt dizzy for no reason or maybe he refused to understand the reason. He reached the edge of his bed and sat motionlessly as the only voice in the room was as always the other's calm breath. He never gave his father a second chance even before this whole mess. Blame, distrust and anger were always in his eyes whenever he look at his dad and now those looks prevented him from even noticing the tired, dark circles around his father's eyes or his sad expression.

_Otou-san is moving on. Am I the one who doesn't want to take a step forward? Why is it too hard to believe that he was trying to make things better for us? All of us._

_Till when am I going to stay in my own cage? _

* * *

><p>Kouji didn't know why he brought his guitar and sat on his bed after he had changed his school clothes into pair of navy blue pajamas. He tried to stop himself from thinking about anything and eventually found himself longing to play on his guitar, to hum a soft song. No-one was <em>here<em> to listen and if his brother had stayed asleep during the previous fight with his father so he won't wake that easily.

Music is the soul of human. He heard that once and if someone asked him about his opinion regarding that saying, he would shrug the question off in his anti-social manner, but deep down he believed in that even if it seemed odd for a cold person like him to like such a sensitive art.

His hands and fingers started tickling the electric guitar's strings softly, humming what he could remember from a song he was gifted for being able to pick the tone and eventually imitate it and even sang the words but it came naturally for him. Maybe because he felt the words right now. Ironically, the song was sad and yet full of optimism and believe in tomorrow which he generally doubt it. He sang softly as if he was talking to the gentle cold water outside his room.

_Naku Koto nara tayasui keredo_

_~Even if crying was easy~  
><em>

_Kanashimi ni wa nagasarenai_

_~I don't want to be drown by grief~  
><em>

_Eranda no wa j__ibun dakara_

_~It is the choice that I chose for myself~  
><em>

For a second there, he wanted to laugh bitterly at the irony, but the spontaneous flow of emotions pointed out that any kind of physical expression will end with him weeping. He had cried enough and become tired of tears even if no one ever saw him crying.

_Mure wo hanareta tori no you ni_

_~Just like a bird that was separated from a flock of birds~  
><em>

_Asu no yuki saki nado shiranai_

_~I don't know what the future hides for me~  
><em>

_Dakedo Kizutsuite__ Chi wo nagashitatte_

_~But even if I was hurt and my wound bled~  
><em>

Drops of tears sparkled and waited on the edge of his eyes, begging him to cry, to let them fall but he stubbornly refused.

_Aoi tori_

_~Blue bird~  
><em>

_Moshi shiwase Chikaku ni attemeo_

_~If he was happy,he was still in a cage~  
><em>

_Ano sora he boku wa tobu_

_~I wish to fly to that sky~_

_Mirai wo shinjite_

_~And I believe in the __future~_

Future. He faintly believed that he can do something for tomorrow but yet he has dreams even if he couldn't recollect them at the moment. He needed to believe, to fly, to be himself. Tired of masks and facade and maybe, just maybe he could take off that mask one day.

_Anata wo wasurenai_

_~I would never forget you~  
><em>

_Demo Kinou ni wa kaerenai _

_~But things would never be the same again~  
><em>

Disobedient drops of tears fall shyly on his cheek, curling around his slightly trembled lips as he remembered his mother. Things would never be better…would never be the same ever again. He wished when he allawed his mind to be childish that the family he was born between its arms would still be there, that he still has his mum and his father and even his brother. No one talked to him about his first two years before the divorce but for some reason, he felt that they had been happy or at least much happier than now.

A soft sound of hesitant clap scared him out of his wits for a second before he turned slowly to the sourse of the sound. The bed next to his.

Kouji had a comical expression for few precious seconds that seemed to him as if they were eternity, staring at the other who was sitting and leaning on the headboard. Once realizing the other's stare, Kouichi looked down at his lap quickly and cut his clap rather awkwardly. The faint pink cheeks he had proved the embarrassment he felt at being in such situation and was mirrored by Kouji's deep blush. No one had ever listened to him singing or playing and if his ste[-mom or his father had, they never mentioned that,so it was quite logically to be embarassed at such a thing now. Kouji who cleared his voice with a cough, wiped his tears and prayed that the other didn't notice them.

'You play really good. The-the song is is too ironical. Once sad then hopeful and again sad with rather a disappointed end yet it had that special hint of tomorrow.'

Well, that was new for Kouji. Kouichi analyzed it easily and if he wasn't that shy, his voice would have held too much confidence, yet it was too soft to be heard.

An innocent smile played on Kouichi's lips despite Kouji's sceptically looks at him.

'Gomen, I don't think you wanted me to hear. It is just the voice woke me up. I am kinda sensitive to musical sounds.'

It was rather a strange excuse as he didn't wake through Kouji's discussion with their dad beside his bed. Kouji who positioned the guitar slowly at the corner of the room, crossed the room and sat again at his bed, giving the other some time to recollect his thoughts.

'How could you know anyway? Don't tell me they teach you music at the orphanage.'

If the question was sarcastic and tactless, he didn't mean it that way. He was amused at the other's sensitive nature.

'You don't need some one to teach you how to feel the music,' Kouichi closed his eyes and put his hand on his heart, smiling sleepily, 'It came from here and no they don't but I have a good background.'

Kouji was generally impressed at the slightly relaxed voice despite the blush that never left its owner. The last and at the same time the first real talk they had started with Kouichi being submsissive and passive and ended with him fighting hopelessly but it had been more than a week since then so it was normal for him to forget. However, Kouji's words then was enough to tear Kouichi's world.

_"You are right. No one wants you. You are nothing. Deal with that!"_

Thinking about his own words now ached his heart as he looked at the other almost pacific features. His words had been too hrash then. He even told him that he hated him, that he didn't deserve to live, yet Kouichi's words hurt him too but after all he was the one who pushed the wrong buttons. _Why am I thinkging about that again? As long as Kouichi doesn't bring that topic up, I won't. _

He acted rather differently for his usual cold behavious as if he longed for a talk about whatever. It was childish but the other's voice was soft and comforting in a strange way that eased his heart kindly.

'Background?'

'Hai,' Kouichi smiled and raised his head to look at him but without making eye contact, 'Matsushita-san taught me how to play piano and helped me to use other musical instruments but I wasn't as good with them as I am with piano. He said that I learnt too much in less than three months,' he said sadly and bit his lip causing Kouji to narrow his eyes in confusion. He wanted to ask about the man, Kouichi talked about but stopeed himself as it was rather obevious,

'Why didn't he adopt you again?'

Kouichi bit his lip harshly and pulled his legs to rest his head on them tiredly but whispered the answer, 'He-he was like my grandfather. I don't remember my real grandfather as he died few monts before 'kaa-san and Obba-chan. Matsushita-san lost his wife few years before adopting me but his sons never visited him. He was a great pioneer so he taught me almost everything and he really wanted to adopt me again and to find a way to take me from that place forever but-'

A shiver. Kouji realized it as Kouichi tremebeled slightly, 'He passed away…before doing that and…and his sons sent me back. I was eight.'

Kouji lowered his head and looked away in sympathy, he recognized seconds later as he raised his comment after few minutes of silence just to keep the conversation alive,

'At least some people are kind enough to try to keep you with them.'

He wished he didn't utter a word after two seconds from opening his mouth.

A gasp then more shuddering as Kouichi pulled the blanket over him fearfully then looked around him as if feeling someone's presence. His heart pulses increased and his tense body kept suddering with emotions while he hugged himself and cried…not wept softly like what he had done before. A cry that became a continuous series of screams that echoed in the spece and hurt his poor throat. His fingers clinged to his hair tightly as if he was trying to remove a memory or a thought. Kouji only stared at the beginning then freaked out at the unexpected cries which sounded like a baby's wailing.

'What on earth?'he stepped out of his bed and took a closer step to the other's bed, causing him to curl like a ball of fur and to throw the blanket on the ground with a yelp.

'What's wrong? Hey…say something,' his hand tried to touch Kouichi without even thinking about the reason of his worry over the scared child. He couldn't touch him, though, as Kouichi backed away like a scared kitty with terrified eyes,

'No…He is here…He will come back again…to take..take me. He will…he…he…'he whimpered uncoherently, cried then screamed again.

The door was opened with a muffled, worried gasp, revealing Kouji's step-mom as she looked at the elder twin's bed in concern. Kouji backed away from the bed and muttered defensively in a childish manner, 'I-I didn't…he just freaked and-'

'It is okay. I know,' she soothed gently and reached the pained child's bed. To Kouji's ultimate surprise, Kouichi didn't curl away but instead he lunched himself in her arms and sobbed quietly as she hugged him back, 'Shh. It is okay. No one one will hurt you. Me and dady and Kouji will keep him away, see no one will take you. He won't hurt you again.'

'But-he said…he will. I am Scared. I...I want Ma-Mama.'

She hushed him, repeating that it was okay,'Your mama will be always with you in your heart, looking after you.' Kouji's bewilded expression didn't leave him as he saw her giving Kouichi a small pill which he swallowed and continued crying for at least five minutes before slumping between her arms. Kouji was supposed to be a little bit glad that she reminded his brother with their mom, that she told him that his real mum will be always for him but still there was something wrong that ached him. Satomi sighed in relief and turned to Kouji who was about to scream. Literally.

_She took otou-san and now she wanted to replace my mother's place in his heart. How could she do such a thing? And him what the heck was that? Then what I said about him easily replacing 'kaa-san with whoever treat him well. What happened to him anyway? Heck what have I said to begin with?'_

'I am not replacing your mum. I would never think about that,' Satomi interrupted his thoughts warmly as she pulled the blanket over Kouichi, making sure that he was comfortable. She added, turning to Kouji, 'He just needs someone to tell him that things will be better. He is scared.'

'Why?'

She shook her head sadly, 'We don't know for sure. He is too scared to tell us but I think it is something related to the last person who-who adopted him who adopted him twise abd intended to do that for the third time but when your father took him, he couldn't. Your father had asked the orphanage for more information about that man but they refused to help.'

'You mean that wasn't the first time he freaked out that.'

'Sadly yes. After he kinda settled down and the fear of us started to fade, he remembered his previous fear. Usually, he would take some pills and fell asleep.'

It clicked. That's why he was always asleep because of the drugs they gave him, but he acted normally before he became that scared, so why would they keep him asleep for such long time? Sleeping could never be a solution, Kouji thoguht.

'I asked your father to take him to a therapist, but Kousei doesn't want troubles or people talking, so he secretly asked a doctor who suggested giving the patient sleeping pills for the time being.'

'And he claimed that he cares about us. He is willing to give him drugs just to keep him away,'Kouji gritted his teeth angrily.

'He loves you two. Belive me, Kouji. Sometimes we should commit minore mistakes to achieve bigger goals. I don't approve what he is doing but all what I can do is to take care of Kouichi and help him to overcome his fear then he would be able to live a normal life,' she smiled, 'Kouichi-kun doesn't need a doctor. He needs a loving family, don't you think?'

"_I have no one…no one else ... All what I want is…a life.. and a family." _Kouichi words from before struck him violently, causing him to shudder involuntarily.

She closed the door behinde her and left, leaving Kouji to look at his sleeping twin's tearful face. For a moment, he cared and felt the urge to punish whoever caused his brother that pain. He wanted to be the one who would say to him, 'it was okay'.

No…That will only hurt. It was pity. What he felt for his brother was pity and absolutely nothing more. He wouldn't allow himself to feel anything except sympathy and pity because other feeling would only…hurt.

Pain.

He doesn't want to feel it…to be attached to anyone. They will leave eventually…

What a paradoxical life! One of them has everything and was scared to accept what he has in fear of losing it. The other has nothing and was willing to accept anything that could lead him to life. A real one!

Humans!

**_To Be continued _**

* * *

><p><strong> Post Author Note<strong>

Finally ^^"

I hope you enjoyed it. Please tell me what you think about the characters' attitudes. Etto,,,well tell me anything you want hehe.

I am sorry if the chapter is a little bit, focusing on Kouji but from now on Kouichi will appear more frequesntly. You know,I want to call Kouji idiot somewhere while writing. He is really drowning in denial.

About the song, I thought about putting the traslated lyrics at the end but I felt that it will be more effective under the original lyrics so I but them between ~.~. I don't know the song's name but it is from a new anime called **Idol Mster** which I don't own of course. I have the japanese lyrics and the translated ones but not in English so I have translated from my native langauge to English. Hopefully, it worked.

Sorry for the long post A\**N** but this is the first time I use song in a story.

Arigato ^^"


	4. Sleepless Night

**Author Note**

Finally*sigh of relief*. This chapter took forever to be done. Literally especially that I had meant it to be different but I guess it worked out well this way too. There is a significant period between this chapter and the previous one. I liked it and cried at some parts. Ooh too emotional especially while listening to a sad song.

Anyway, Please enjoy and tell me your opinions. I really enjoy seeing what do you think. This inspires me LoL. Thanks for all of you for reading and reviewing. Arigato.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon and I am not really eager to own it as long as I can play with it hehe.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kowareta Ita Nani No Tami Ni<br>**

**Chapter four  
><strong>

**Sleepless Night**

Nightmares were the only significant of sleep to him. He hated whenever his sole surrenders to that temporary death. It felt so empty and lonely.

He was about to scream when he opened his eyes to see nothing but that murdering, terrifying darkness around him. Darkness was always able to comfort him as he could feel secure in the night but the darkness around him wasn't calming or peaceful anymore. He was barely awake after hours of unconsciousness. A forced sleep to be precise.

He sat with a difficulty, feeling that he would just fall helplessly on the bed sheets due to the drug's fading effect. The room smirked at him darkly, forcing him to crawl on the bed like a small kitten. He hugged his legs and trembled. It was cold and lonely. He felt the hot, familiar tears again.

He woke up from a nightmare to return to a more chilling one. The reality. He felt that he was always asleep as he can hardly remember a time when he was fully awake in this room. Blue, scared eyes looked around the room as they found the smiling photo of his mother on the bed drawer. He snatched it in fearful manner as if feeling that someone would come from nowhere to take it from him. He clutched it to his chest, holding it and whimpering, 'Mama!'

His voice was a mere whisper but it shook his body violently. He lost her photo once when he came to this house to wake up hours later and find it beside him. He knew that it has something to do with his brother. Kouji. That was his name.

Kouji. He was his twin brother but they never talked except the time when Kouji hit him. There was another floating memory in his mind about a song with a sad tone and a soft talk between them but he felt that it was nothing but a dream.

The door was opened to its full extent quietly as a woman entered the room. Her brown eyes scanned her step-son's room, finding him asleep. She gazed at the other child in the room who was trembling slightly. It ached her to see such an innocent kid in that sever condition. It was cruel to see his shivering from as he held his mother's picture and wept. She came closer till she was sitting on the bed facing his pale face. Her warm eyes showed worry and concern. She whispered to him,' Maybe you should go back to sleep, Kouichi-kun.'

He shook his head weakly. Sleep means more nightmares yet he couldn't bear staying long in the sharp darkness around him as the urge of sleep tempted him over and over.

No. He wanted to wake up not to sleep even if the borders between consciousness and unconsciousness cracked violently. Kouichi shuddered and hugged himself again as she stroked his hair kindly.

That wasn't love. It was sympathy over a child who was losing everything and he knew that. He knew that her look at him wasn't a pure motherly look, it was sympathy and pity.

'You should sleep, dear.'

He shivered again at the thought but she ignored his reaction, knowing that she can't do anything about it,' You will wake up Kouji like this.' She said softly.

Of course. Kouji was her step-son whom she cared about and him was only a burden and source of pain for him so…he should stay asleep. It doesn't matter what would happen to him or that he would be addicted to those drugs and unable to live without depending completely on them as long as Kouji would be fine with him out of his life. He thought miserably.

They weren't brothers. His birth certificate was burned in front of his eyes. In front of others, they were strangers yet he wanted to be with him. He could remember a blur dream about Kouji playing something on that guitar and them talking like normal people. The dream was nice and felt happy even. In the dream, there was a chance that he could be closer to Kouji. That Kouji would care about him. That maybe. Just maybe. Someone would look at him as if he was a human who deserves to live and not a mere toy who should obey and suffer to satisfy others. He was human even without something to prove his identity.

Satomi looked at him with apparent worry. She was responsible for him during her husband's absence. Kousei had to go in a work mission for few days. She always does her work without waiting him to ask her to take care of things. This is her family as much as it is his family and she cares about everyone in it even more than him. After all, wasn't he the one who abandoned his son and when he decided to take care of him, he killed his identity? It sickened her to know that but she knew that Kouichi doesn't need some old papers but needs a loving family. Something she doubt that they could ever offer him.

She stood up and went to Kouji's desk, bringing back with her a small jar of while pills. He hated everything in that jar. The blue cover and the spiral lines on the paper around it beside the name that he could read clearly 'Killing bills'. Sleep was a part of death and each time he was forced to sleep, he felt like dying. He was forced to do everything in a way or another even eating. His life was controlled by them like always. It had been always a toy in others' hands so why should it matter now?

She returned silently and ruffled his hair like she usually does. He wanted to yank her hand off his hair but he knew better. He was a guest in her home and nothing more. Just an object, her husband brought in a moment of morality. What good could it achieve him if he pulled away from her touch? She would be angry like others so he has nothing else but to accept her touch over him. He let her like he let others to do even more because he was a helpless child who couldn't defend himself, who was there as a slave for who could pay his price. That what they told him since he was four years old in the orphanage.

_'You should always obey those who adopt you. You owe them your life so no matter what they did, you should always be an obedient child.'_

And he was a good student who obeyed the orphanage's rules and accepted whatever happened to him and simply forget but it became harder whenever he remember _him_. His hands left his body as he tangled them in his hair as the familiar headache returned.

No. He didn't want to remember what had happened. It hurt to think about it as much as it hurt to feel himself there. He moaned miserably, causing a small gasp of sympathy form his foster mother.

'Oh my god, Is something wrong, darling?'

She knew what was wrong but she couldn't do anything to help him. The only thing she could do was to let him sleep, to take him away from the reality world. A small white pill from the jar rested in her hand as her other hand gripped the child's hand, taking it from its place between his hair locks.

He protested faintly but couldn't do more as she put the pill on his free palm.

'Take it. It will make you feel better.'

NO. He wanted to scream and to drop the pill. Because they couldn't handle him, they were giving him this. He wasn't a part of this family because if he was, they would never force a child like him to take those damned drugs daily and sometimes twice a day like today. He shook his head as the tears raced on his cheek, begging her to understand, to stop.

He was dying. But he wanted to die, right? He wished that he would die several times. He even tried to hurry his expected death due to his weak body by refusing to take his medicine or take it irregularly. He should accept her offer because life itself didn't want him so why should he live?

His hand trembled as he brought it with the pill closer. He couldn't sleep without it. It was a matter of time that he would beg them to give those bills to him, so he could sleep. What a conflict! Scared of sleep, yet he was dying to ditch himself from his surroundings. He wanted to sleep and soon he would sleep forever.

'Kouichi-kun, Are you okay?'

She was surprised to see the fear look in his eyes as he backed from her touch.

His mind had screamed before he collapsed on the bed with a soft thud. Streams of tears wet their way on his flushed cheeks. Blue eyes stared at her brown eyes but he wasn't seeing the gentle woman who looked after him when his own father ignored and when his twin stayed away from him. For those short moments, his eyes and mind felt like looking and knowing another person. In her place, he saw someone who was trying to abuse him, to hurt him…to kill him. He couldn't do anything so he let it be.

Satomi gazed at him in concern, feeling the wrongness of what happened but what choice has she ? They could do nothing to him. The child was scared to death from seeing his father and Kouji didn't make any effort to approach him despite being in the same room, yet she can't blame her step son as Kouichi was always asleep or rather forced to.

The woman stared accusingly at the medicine in her hand and sighed, reminding herself that her husband became uncomfortable regarding those pills and intended to ask a doctor to come and see his elder son, hoping that they could find something other than drugs to control his son's condition.

Kouichi didn't fell asleep yet which means that the pills were losing their effect. She bit her lip anxiously before taking another one from the jar and tried to hand it to him. Kouichi flinched when he saw her approaching hand. He curled around himself, wishing that he could scream and refuse but he can't, can he? If she became angry, she will hurt him. When he first came to this house he wished to go back to the orphanage but this place wasn't as awful as the prison he used to live in. They might send him back and then he would get his punishment in the orphanage for being disobedient then…then…_He_ will come and take him…

_Let it stop. Please anyone help me._

'Come on Kouichi-kun.'

She forced him to sit but he continued pulling away from her which confuse her even more. She wasn't doing this because she wanted. She had to…she had to.

'Enough already! 'her voice wasn't a threatening or angry one. It was desperate and frustrated and it hurt her. He continued squirming and whimpering weakly. It wasn't the movement of protesting that hurt her but the idea it self. He released his soft plead, 'P..please…No..no!' So soft that she didn't even hear him as she continued trying to forced the pill into his mouth.

A sharp, furious voice which was too familiar to her reached her, shouting with an angry, 'ENOUGH!'

She jumped at the voice, tilting her head slowly towards the other bed in the room to see Kouji full awake and looking at her expressionlessly with a hatred look she never saw in those particular eyes. He was always angry with her but the hatred look. It was too poisonous and dark that it sent chills to her body. Satomi looked at the other child under her.

Her eyes widen in shock. What would Kouji think about that? It was a very awkward position to be in. She was holding the sleeping pill in her right hand while her other hand was pinning the child's arms behind him. She freaked out, gasping in horror about how aggressive she was in those few minutes.

She didn't mean that. She would never do that to anyone let alone her step-son's brother and her husband's son. She gasped and got off the bed, flinching inwardly and feeling hot tears on her cheeks as she noticed the pained look in the child's eyes. He was crying,calling his mother so weakly that she felt her heart being ripped apart.

'Why?'

Kouji's voice was like a dagger to her chest. She looked at the floor shamefully, wishing to disappear already. To someone outside this tension, she hadn't done anything wrong. Mothers would try to force the medicine into their children mouths if they were too stubborn for their own good and she was doing this for Kouichi's own good. Staying awake would drag memories of whatever hell he lived in the orphanage but there was a one difference. She wasn't a mother!

'I…I wanted to…to check on you two. 'Her voice trembled at her words but she wasn't lying. She came to make sure they were okay.

'You knew that the effect of the pill he took earlier would fade by now. You wanted to give him another one,' Kouji hissed darkly, looking at the bottle she hold in her hand.

'Kouji please. I am trying to help,' she desperately tried to defend herself but deep down she felt as if she was guilty.

'By killing him. He didn't want to take it. It was right in front of him but he preferred to stay scared and awake rather than taking them.

Her eyes widen in shock, 'but I thoug-'

'He doesn't want them. Damn it! Couldn't you see how he was begging you not to give him that thing? He would lose himself eventually.' Kouji cried out in hot anger, feeling his blood's temperature rise to a dangerous degree.

She looked at him on verge of tears,'Please Kouji understand.'

'Enough. Go out! I don't want to see you here.'

'Kouji!'

'I said out!'

She took a step back then looked at the elder twin whose tears were still fresh on his cheeks. She closed her eyes then exploded calmly, 'What have you done then, Kouji? You are accusing me and your father all the time despite what we are doing to help him. What about you?'

She took him by surprise as he left his bed and looked at her angrily, 'What do you mean?'

'If you care that much about him, why do you stand away all the time?'

Why indeed? Why was he this angry to begin with? What did awake him in the first place? He heard a voice of someone, pleading for help and when his eyes had snapped open he saw his step-mom trying to force his bother to take those doomed pills. He felt furious and raged. He couldn't even stop his body from trembling in wrath as he roared at her,' Stay out of my life!'

He took few steps towards her and she backed away in fear, feeling his rage, 'Kouji!'

He raised his hand and snatched the glass bottle from her hand and spitted dryly, 'OUT!'

She stared at him in disbelieve, feeling angry at herself for being a horrible mother. She whispered between her tears,' I wanted to…to help him.'

He ignored her as he squeezed to bottle further and throw it at to the floor, causing it to shatter. The sound of the broken glass terrified her as she stormed out of the room, crying.

He breathed hard and cursed under his breath, 'Damn it!'

Kouji turned around and headed towards his own bed, cursing himself for being such an idiot, angry boy, but it was necessary, wasn't it?

His eyes focused on the window, noticing for the first time the rain's lines on the glass. Seconds later, he recognized thundering and lightening. It seemed that his emotions were angrier than the nature outside. He loved the rain. It could hide his tears when he was angry enough to walk under the raining sky. The thunder repeated itself again with that mighty scary roar, reminding him of how hoarse his voice could be in front of that voice.

He was about to slip under the comforting covers of his bed, but the sound of the increasing trembling reminded him of what was going on. A part of his mind blamed him for preventing Satomi from forcing the other to sleep. Maybe he should have let things as they were. He wasn't good in dealing with others especially with those who need his pity and love…

Love…He doesn't love anyone except maybe his mother but even that he wasn't sure about. How many times he was angry at his mother's memory?

'Mama!'

The plead continued as he looked at its source: Kouichi.

Kouji was in a dilemma as he tried to pull his thoughts together but failed miserably, seeing the fear and loss in the other's eyes as he hugged their mother's picture as if he was asking her to save him.

The only thought that Kouji was able to wonder about was

_What should I do? _

Kouichi's breaths were shallow and quick as his heart continued beating faster than he could bear. Scared. He was trembling in merciless fear. The tears didn't stop tickling him again and again. Pulling himself weakly, he managed to sit on the bed, curling around himself and sobbing. He felt the other's stares, which scared him even more. It was frightening to see such a rage from Kouji towards his step-mom.

_If he did that to her, what would he do to me? He will hurt me like before...like everyone else._

_**To Be Continued**  
><em>

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><p>Author Note<p>

Finally...they will talk...again. Hopefully, Kouji won't ruin things but seriously he didn't ruin it in the previous, forgotten talk,ne so maybe there is a hope. Who am I kidding?It is Kouji was are talking about. (Kouji:So -.-)

About Kouichi's confusion. In the first chapter he pleaded to go to the orphanage but after about two months from living in Minamoto's home, he couldn't help but feeling taht no matter what he is suffering from it is better than the orphanage.

If you remember in the previous chapter, he has a ' condition' while talking to Kouji which made the whole night seems like a dream to him later on.

Etto, did anyone notice that most of the events took place in Kouji's room so far XD? If you have any question or criticism please do tell me.

I hope you enjoyed ^^"

Etto, I don't know but Kouichi seems a little OCC but regarding the whole mess they are in, I feel it is natural. Still I can't always keep him steady in his emotions.


	5. The First Step

**Author's note**

Hello everyone, I don't have much to say actually expect apologizing for the quite late update. I am really sorry but university isn't giving me any time to write.

Finally*collapsing on the chair*

I wanted to update this before the start of my exams as I won't be able to update till the middle of January.

Thanks to **Immortal Fallen Radiance** and **nena-san** for their reviews. A huge thanks to all of you, sweet reader, as well.

**Disclaimer: I don't own the twins or Digimon. Once I own them, you will be the first to know.**

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><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

**Chapter Five**

**The First Step**

Tears were not enough to describe his pain. Another useless tool he had no other choice but to use… to prove to himself at least that he was human…despite everything.

He continued hugging the portrait of his deceased mother, pressing it closer to his chest. The pain was generated even from that simple defense. It hurt to have his mother so close to him and yet so far…but she was the only one he still has.

'He…he….will hurt…m-me.'

His scared whimper escaped his painfully pressed lips. Kouichi knew that fighting or crying was so pointless but he felt as if that was his only resort now. He had disobeyed the orphanage's orders when he tried to fight the sleeping pills…

Punishment is what was waiting him. It didn't matter who would punish him but he was going to be hurt. He knew that, and in a way deserved whatever punishment. After all, he fought the sacred rule in his life. "You deserve any punishment they decide for you. You owe them your life."

His body trembled as his eyes avoided looking at the other's eyes.

Kouji bit his lip anxiously; staring at the other's collapsed form. The urge to leave was irresistible. He wished that he could just go to his bed and forget whatever was going on. However, a part of him felt ashamed of that very thought. It is cowardice to leave the other like this especially after what he had done. If he had allowed Satomi to give him the second pill, the other would have been asleep now, saving both of them such awkwardness.

He tried so hard to avoid such a moment. Staying late in Kendo practice, going to Takuya's soccer practice when he wasn't even a member and trying as much he can to stay out of the house were excuses and maybe ways to escape such internal turmoil.

_It is not supposed to be that difficult. _He told himself but whenever his eyes gaze at the trembling child in front him, he realize how weak and hesitant he was.

Sighing softly, he took few steps until he stood beside the other's bed. He blinked at the sight of his"brother."

_Why is Kouichi acting like this? _He asked himself in confusion. Sure, he didn't know anything about him but _he_ was calmer and much more rationale when they talked few weeks ago about music and how he can play piano. Heck, he had replied so calmly to Kouji's insult when he doubted how a child from an orphanage could understand his performance. But now the child in front of him was very different.

A flash of lightening crossed the sky and Kouji's eyes grow wide at the color he saw on Kouichi's bed sheets.

Red.

Whimpers of pain echoed in the cold room as Kouichi embraced the picture closer, ignoring the covered glass that started to crack in his grip. It didn't matter to him how painful that act was. The only thing that made sense to him then was how close he was to his mother…

To say that Kouji had panicked at the sight would be surprise even to him in a calmer condition. An involuntary hiss of pain from Kouichi forced him to react. It seemed that Kouichi was more occupied with his pain and the portrait between his arms to notice Kouji's worried look which turned into an understanding frown.

Kouji gritted his teeth as another wave of pain consumed the other's weak body. The dribbles of blood continued weeping from Kouichi arms as the glass around the photo protested harshly at the child's tight embrace.

_I should do something, _Kouji thought bitterly but deep down he didn't want to do anything. Kouichi wanted his mother now despite the agony that was killing him. It would be unfair to take his last protector but it had to be done. It had to.

Kouji breathed heavily to ease his own tension before stretching his arms like a savior for a drown person but in his case he wasn't the savior and Kouichi wasn't the drown child. Both were drowning in their own worlds, neither allowed the other to reach him. Maybe because of fear or distrust. In deeper level, they weren't afraid of each other as much as they were afraid of what the other's existence would cause them.

His fingers touched the edges of the brown portrait, dragging it from the other's touch fiercely.

Kouichi struggled, fought, and cried but nothing worked as the portrait became between the other's hands few minutes after his first attempt to take it.

Kouji clenched his fist in frustration after putting the portrait quietly on the drawer.

'Y…you can't. You can't take Mama. Mama…mama!' his hoarse whimpers that turned into weak screams throw daggers at Kouji's heart, melting the ice around it.

Yes, he couldn't. It wasn't even his right to take such a precious thing from the other's arms. Why didn't he allow him to have the picture and let him hurt himself as much as he wants?

He didn't care. He never did. His heated words to his father when he brought Kouichi along with the hatred he filled his heart with whenever the other's existence was mentioned mocked him now. How could he be that weak to abandon his own life…his own way in living it?

He hated Kouichi, envied him, wished that he would disappear.

But…

May be Just maybe…something would change the cold heart he has. He was tired from masks and icy glares, frustrated from people's lies and hypocrisy. Sick of himself…

Maybe… Kouichi's existence. His own _twin's_ existence would create the difference. Doesn't he deserve to be human instead of being a lone wolf?

It deserved a try.

With those ridiculous thoughts, he heaved a sigh before turning towards Kouichi who was struggling to sit, to touch the picture above the drawer beside him, dismissing the pain as if he hadn't even realized it.

'I won't take her. You were hurting yourself.'

His words were flat and emotionless. They brought confusion to Kouichi whose lips parted before his eyes dared a look to his bruised hands.

Kouichi realized the source of his physical pain, understanding the other's behavior when he took the picture from him. Kouji had helped him.

Walking slowly back to his bed, Kouji felt the other's scared stares at him. He snatched the bed's covers and went back to Kouichi's bed.

Kouichi's bed covers were already tangled under him. The thought that Kouichi would even figure this out and move to cover himself with them was so much unlikely to happen.

In a matter of seconds, Kouichi found himself under the covers, which his brother put on him silently. He didn't move at first to even lift the blanket from his head. Feeling the warmth of the blanket above his ached body, he moved the blanket away from his face to look at Kouji who was still standing and looking at him with expressionless eyes.

The trembles eased a bit as he blinked at Kouji in confusion. Feeling that Kouji wouldn't do anything, he wiped his tears fearfully before recollecting his courage to whisper in uncertain,

'You won't…hurt…hurt me?'

Kouji shook his head before answering quietly, 'No need to. I have no reason to hurt you.'

Kouichi couldn't believe what he was hearing from the person in front of him. Their first talk ended with Kouji's bitter reminder that he had no one and no one would care about him even if he died.

'B-But you…you hate me.'he whispered faintly as he remembered the other's words

'It is not that I hate you. I am just not used to your existence. Besides, you hate us as well.'

Kouji laughed inwardly without any hint of humor in his thoughts. He has every single reason to hate him and to hurt him. Kouichi had destroyed the unsatisfied life he lives, turning it into hell by his mere existence. He admitted to his father several times that he wouldn't care if his father sent Kouichi away. Heck, he had wished and prayed that the other would disappear without leaving nay evidence of his existence. Something in his heart is begging for the change. If he thought rationally he would understand that what he felt was confusion. He didn't hate the other nor he liked him.

'Hate you? I-I don't understand.'

He sounded honest in his question which surprisingly angered Kouji. 'Of course. You have every reason to hate my father after what he did to you and if Satomi was treating you nice, what she had done this night gives you enough reason to hate her.'

Kouichi's eyes widen at the angry, bitter tone of the other. He muttered hesitantly, 'I…I don't hate you.'

The long haired boy lost his temper rather rapidly for his cold character.' Liar! They hurt you. I hurt you and you know what I don't mind hurting you again. You have to hate us. For what we have done. For 'Kaa-san .

'I don't.'Kouichi answered quietly before sitting weakly and enveloping himself into the warm blanket.

'Why?'

'Because it is wrong. I owe your care. You didn't have to take me from the orphanage but you did. I can't hate someone who had tried to help me even if I didn't deserve.'he looked at the blanket and trembled as the memories clouded his mind.

They were much better than most of those who adopt him. They gave him a home and tried to kill his pain. Even though, he paid the price of staying here, he couldn't help but feeling somehow grateful for their existence.

He wouldn't be surprised if they took him back to the orphanage nor would he blame them for that. It just felt weird for him to have a normal life and family for a long time.

'What do you mean?'

'Kouji-kun. Your father could have easily taken me out from there and thrown me in te street. No one would blame him. He has no reason to keep me. Even if I didn't like it, his wife felt sorry for me. '

Kouichi's voice was strangely calm. Maybe a bit hesitant and it lacked confidence but it was generally normal…like that day.

Kouji's eyes reflected his surprise. _What is wrong with him? Once wailing like a baby and other times talking in such mature way. Who is the real him?_ Kouji wondered then thought in amusement. _So I am not the only one who can't be himself all the time_

He couldn't help but feel amused at him. He had assumed earlier that Kouichi hated them and he told his father that. Remembering the shocked look in Kousei'e eyes when he tried to deny Kouji's words frustrated him now. His father was trying to believe that Kouichi was just scared and that didn't mean he hated them. It was a funny thoguht then in Kouji's eyes but after hearing Kouichi's words, he had to think again.

Kouji was about to come with a smirked thought regarding the other's interesting way of putting things before a loud sound terrified him, taking him off-guard. The whole house trembled at the thunder's loud voice as it sank in the darkness. The electricity went out, leaving them in terrifying blackness.

Kouichi wasn't the type of people that could be scared of thunderstorms but his soul started screaming in fear at the fearful darkness along with the mighty thunder.

His fingers left the blanket's edges to tangle themselves in his choppy hair. He sobbed softly out of fear at the beginning but the repetition of the thunder's performance forced his screams to grow louder till a stronger crack of the thunder sent him screaming in unmatched fear.

A chill ran down Kouji's spin at the thunder's roars as the screams of his brother became more violent and worrying.

It was scary, Kouji admitted that, but it seemed so silly to be scared of such a familiar sound. After all, this wasn't the first thunderstorm since the start of winter and would not be the last but something told him that if he were few years younger than that, he would be scared as well. The strange thing was the other's fear. Another thing that he didn't expect from the person who was talking damn so normally few seconds ago.

The only thing that was so clear in that darkness was that he didn't want to hear the other's cries anymore. They hurt him in a way he refused to even think about but, aching his heart severely that the desire he had before shocked him violently. When Kouichi collapsed after theit sweet talk few weeks ago, he wished he would be the one that would calm him, muttering that 'everything will be okay.'

A series of thunder cries forced Kouichi to jump literally, hugging his body and weeping as the blanket fell on the ground with his sudden movement.

'Hey! What happened to you this time?' He didn't mean to be rude but if someone who knew him was listening to his tone then, he would be surprised to see that he was really worried.

Kouichi didn't reply. He kept whimpering childishly and mumbling incoherently.' Darkness. S…Scary. Alone.'

He kept moving fiercely, hitting his head at the headboard in his stirring. 'Don't wanna go…go back.'

Kouji felt helpless for the first time in his life. He debated his thoughts whether to go and bring Satomi. A sick thought told him to pick some of the pills from the ground and force Kouichi to swallow. He reached the other and tried to touch his shoulders in attempt to stop the crazy movement of him but Kouichi crawled away. Kouji looked around him for anything without any hint of what he was searching for. He wanted to do something. Anything. No one likes to be helpless while hysteric cries were repeating themselves around him. With narrowed eyes, he spotted the electronic devise on his smiled slightly

'On…Onegai. S…Stop it.' Kouichi's stuttering plead was hoarse and frightened as his lips quivered. He wasn't talking to anyone.

And it stopped…

He felt his shoulders being seized rather harshly as Kouji had pushed him to rest upon the headboard. Kouichi couldn't hear anything. Yet he could see the flashing lightening in the sky. He blinked in puzzle before the pressure on his ears revealed the reason. Opening his eyes slowly, he saw Kouji sitting beside him nervously, looking at the Mp3 player in his hands.

Kouichi eyes widen again at the strange yet comforting voice. There was a calming music at the beginning before the words started to give sense.

A Song.

Nemura Anata Wa Kanashisou Da

_~Your sleeping soul seems sad~_

Warui Yumi Demo Mitra You Da

_~As if you are sinking in a nightmare~_

He realized as his fingers touched the headphones above his ears. It seemed that somewhere between his scared movements, Kouji managed to put the headphones around his ears to isolate him from the thunder voice.

The sound was growing louder in comforting rhyme and strangely enough, the lyrics were describing him. He dared a glance at Kouji who was refusing to meet his eyes. Kouji sighed to himself, hand around the blanket, bringing it from the ground and wrapping it around them silently, avoiding the other's puzzled eyes.

'It is okay.' Kouji muttered gently as the other's head started spinning slightly.

The effect of the sleeping pill, Satomi gave him started to affect him. His head rested on Kouji's shoulder unintentionally but he didn't have the strength to lift it.

'You can go to sleep now, Kouichi.' Kouji whispered softly in the other's ears, feeling Kouichi's hair tickling his skin warmly. Fighting the blush that started to overcome his features, he was shortly thankful to the darkness. The song was soft and affectionate enough to embarrass him but he did choose a random song, so he shouldn't feel embarrassed.

_Why had I done this? _Hedidn't know but it felt so right. The headphones were working perfectly. After all, when he bought them months ago, he choose a type that would isolate him from the outer world, leaving him in the arms of the music…to escape maybe.

The storm stopped few minutes later, accepting the rain's request to keep pouring heavily. The artificial light annoyed Kouji's vision, announcing that the power came back on.

It was hard to understand what happened or why but Kouichi didn't want to think too much about it. His body collapsed completely without his permission, throwing his weight on the other's shoulder's who tensed. Maybe he wasn't so lost. Maybe he had a place.

The headphone fell innocently from his ears as a soft murmur escaped his lips. 'Arigato, Kouji.'

The softness and innocence of the voice surprised Kouji but the word seemed as if it was from a lost dream. A cute smile curved Kouichi's lips as the tears stopped flowing and a light pink blush appeared on his teary face.

Kouji sighed in relief, ignoring the blood that rushed to his cheeks, staining them with a light pink color. He noticed with a tad surprise; Kouichi had called him with his name without the following suffix. After all, he himself had called Kouichi with his name for the first time and without a following suffix.

Instead of pushing the other's head from his shoulder, he put the blanket tightly around them. Kouichi was a mystery to him and whenever he thinks that he understood the other's strange behaviors, he would do something even weirder to bewilder him.

_What a night! _He wanted to scream suddenly. He wasn't himself at all or maybe he was lost between his masks that he forgot the real him.

That was the strangest and maybe the craziest night he had after the night his father brought Kouichi home two months ago yet he felt at ease.

He doubted if Kouichi would even remember or mention this night. After all, he seemed as if he doesn't remember their previous talk. He felt that this night would remain secret. Kouichi wasn't the type of people who would bubble everything that happened with them. He smiled to himself. At least he knew something about the other. Better than nothing.

He would give it a try. He had nothing more to lose.

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><p>Etto. The song is the first two lines from Kuroshitsuji Ending song (season two). The translation into English is mine as I have translated the lyrics from my mother language(the translated Japanese) into English.<p>

I feel satisfied with this chapter. It is good to see a sweet end from time to time.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please tell me your opinions and suggestions.

(-)(-)(-)(-)

Onegai: Please.

Arigato: Thank you.


	6. Just a Little Longer

Konichiwa. It has been a while, ne? I assume this chapter is the most light one till now. Well, they need a break for the time being. Unfortunately, my updates will slow drastically because of university and the loads of works I am starting *sigh*

Thanks for **hoshinchan, DarkKnightCessi, nene-san and Immortal Fallen Radiance** for reviewing. They made me happy hehe*Wide grin* Anywho, enjoy this chapter and please share with me your thoughts and opinions ^.^..

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Digimon.**

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><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

**Chapter Six**

**Just a little longer**

Normally, people would freak out once they woke up to see an almost identical face in front of them. Fortunately, he wasn't one of those normal people. He just blinked at the sleeping reflection in front of him before rubbing his eyes with his hands almost uncharacteristically. He was too lucky that he got a hold of himself and stopped the small irrational part of him from screaming because of the startle. Beside him, Kouichi was sleeping soundly for what looked like the first time since his appearance in their life. The ocean like-blue blanket that was partially removed from Kouichi due to Kouji's sudden jump fell back into it place quietly as Kouji left the bed immediately, feeling his face burning in embarrassment. It shouldn't be strange for brothers to share the same bed, he reminded his crazily beating heart. He had heard Takuya complaining once about how his brother took the bed sheets from him and kept kicking in his sleep all the night when they were sleeping together because Shinya was scared to sleep alone that night. Takuya had made it clear that he preferred sleeping on the cold floor over sharing a bed with his brother.

He sighed in relief once he figured out that this experience was not as bad as Takuya's. Running a hand through his raven hair, he thought more clearly about it_. 'When did I fall asleep anyway?'_

He had been sitting on Kouichi's bed after Kouichi went to sleep but he couldn't remember slipping fully under the covers beside him. Maybe he had been too tired to resist sleeping and in such a cold weather his bed was an impossible place to sleep on especially with the lack of any blankets.

Coming closer again to the bed, he examined his brother's sleeping face. Kouichi's face seemed less flushed but didn't lose that pink color over his cheeks and his breathing was much easier. His hair wasn't stuck to his forehead due to the cold sweat like before. He was pale as usual but less than before. Kouichi seemed much better, sleeping quietly with his hair covering the left part of his face Another critical look told Kouji that he wasn't right when he thought immediately upon waking up that he was looking at his mirror. Kouichi was different. The sleeping child's features were softer and far peaceful than his. Kouji shook his head at the thought of himself looking as cute or innocent as his brother while sleeping. The word 'cute' was something he despised, especially with all those crazy fan girls in his school. He had to wonder in amusement what could they do if they saw Kouichi one day.

The sun was brightly shining, painting the room with its beautiful, warm light. The wall o'clock told him that it was already 11:35 PM. He wasn't surprised that he had slept this long as being in a vacation allowed him to sleep as much as he can.

After a nice, short shower, he put on his day clothes then moved towards the door. He suddenly froze in the middle of the room as if had been hit with lightening, stopping his bare feet from touching the carpeted floor. The glass broken pieces from the sleeping tablets' bottle glittered on the floor as the white, rounded pills were still passively thrown beside them. How could he clean this mess now? He wondered. Asking Satomi to do this was completely unpractical especially after his harsh words to her yesterday yet he wasn't able to think about any productive way to remove the tiny pieces from the grey carpet without hurting himself. He sighed in frustration before completely ignoring the whole problem and leaving the room. No need to ask her to do this, she will do it herself when she discovers it once she entered his room again.

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><p>Surprisingly, Satomi wasn't working in the kitchen as she usually was around that time. She was sitting in the long, brown couch, slowly drinking a cup of steaming coffee. His eyes took a quick look around the living room and the kitchen before realizing the covered plates on a tray above the kitchen's table. Satomi's eyes caught a glimpse of him once he entered the living room.<p>

'Ohayo, Kouji.' She said politely. Her normal yet stern voice surprised him. 'Your breakfast is ready on the kitchen's table and I have prepared Kouichi-kun's breakfast.' She stated in the same calm voice before looking directly at his eyes and adding.' And I was waiting for you.'

He narrowed his eyes in challenging mood, not to challenge her but to force himself not to be surprised by her behaviors. 'Why?'

She smiled.' I will go to visit one of my friends. If your father called, tell him that, please.'

'Why don't you do it yourself? You know his office's number in Tokyo.'

She turned away from him, placing the coffee cup on the table.' Because he will ask me about what happened. I don't feel like talking to him now. This is for your sake too, you know.'

It was Kouji's turn to look at the floor sheepishly. If his father knew, what he had said to his step-mom, hell would break loose between them. Deep inside, Kouji knew he was wrong and seriously considered apologizing in the right time. However, that right time looked too far to him.

She entered the kitchen and carried the tray then walked towards Kouji, who was on the foot of the stairs. He avoided her eyes as she passed by him serenely and climbed the stairs towards his room.

'I am sorry for what I have done. I will apologize to Kouichi-kun as well,' she whispered once she took few steps up the stairs. His dark blue eyes widened at the sincerity of her words before he clenched his fist in confusion and irritation. She was trying to help his brother because no one was there to help him. The only way to ease Kouichi's pain in her opinion had been by pushing him into the unconsciousness bless and he understood this but couldn't stop himself from exploding when he saw Kouichi's fear of that supposed bless.

Maybe…it wasn't only Kouichi who needs to be given a chance and a place…maybe he had to think about giving them a chance as well.

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><p>It hadn't been easy to ignore the creeping boredom as he stifled a yawn while sitting in front of the TV. Not having Kendo practice led him to the other only avaiable choice: lying in the living room. Kouji wished he could go to his room to clear his mind as he had been used to do but the image of the other sitting there, awake for once stopped him. Satomi had been out for about two hours. She needed time to re-organize herself, he admitted to himself. The phone's ring interrupted the annoying commercial advertisement on the TV, encouraging him to turn it off.<p>

'Kouji?' the one on the opposite line said without even giving him the chance to utter a word.

'Yeah. What is it,Takuya? Shouldn't you be in the soccer's practice?'He asked dryly in annoyance. Isn't it enough that the was stuck at home, unable to go out?

'Take it easy, Kouji. I wanted to make sure that the CD I gave you is still with you.'

Kouji raised an eyebrow despite knowing that the other can't see him .'Of course it is with me. Didn't listen to it yet.'

'Etto. Actually it is not mine. I have borrowed it from Izumi and she wants it back. She might come to my training practice today to take it. If I told her I lent it to you, she would kill me.'

Kouji rolled his eyes and scolded. 'Izumi as in Orimoto Izumi? You are proving that you are bakaa, Takuya! Why the heck didn't you tell me it wasn't yours? And Shouldn't you come and take it instead of asking if it is here? '

'I can't come to your home. I have to look after Shinya till 'kaa-san come from shopping. You like that type of music so I gave it to you. And don't deny that. I know y-'

There was a loud thud that cut Takuya's annoying blabbing. Kouji tensed and looked upstairs involuntarily before Takuya's angry voice in the background attracted his attention again. 'Stop jumping off the couch, Shinya. What will 'Kaa-san say if you hurt yourself while I am here?' His voice calmed a bit before returning to Kouji,' Can you at least send me a message if you found it? I lent another CD to one of the team's members and I am not sure which one.' Takuya groaned before shouting again at his brother who was playing with his soccer ball inside the house.'I will see you later, buddy.'

Before Kouji could protest or say anything else, Takuya hung up. Kouji sighed and put the phone down before looking up the stairs again. _What happened to me? Why was I startled when I heard that thud? I thought it had been…_

He dismissed his worry before making up his mind and climbing the stairs to his room.

* * *

><p>The door was opened in less strength than Kouji had thought he would need. Usually, Kouji had to wait for few minutes before touching the knuckle and entering. This time he knew that the other was awake and it didn't stop him. At least he was expecting him, setting on his bed and looking at him. But when Kouji did open the door, he was surprised to find the other's bed neatly done but otherwise...empty. A shaky breath escaped his system as the silence of the room managed to stun him. That stillness was disturbed by the sound of pages' fluttering. Kouji blinked at the source of the voice, turning towards the floor beside his bookcase. He rarely come near that specific piece of furniture as he usually stuff his books on the shelves carelessly. The floor in front of it was clearly a mess as few books were on the ground with the short-haired child leaning over them and trying nervously to organize them .<p>

'What the heck are you doing?' Kouji asked in pure curiosity as Kouichi jumped at the startling question. He raised his head from his sitting position on the floor, turning to face Kouji and blushed shyly before whispering softly. 'I-I was t-trying to walk...It had been a while since I did this on my own but…but I lost my balance so I lent on _your_ bookcase. I wasn't clutching it tightly enough so I f-fell with the books.'

Kouichi took deep breath after what looked like his longest talk in weeks before returning to his previous job in organizing the fallen books. Kouji stared at him for few minutes and muttered to himself. 'So that thud was really…'

'Excuse me?'Kouichi asked him in uneasiness as Kouji didn't stop staring at him, causing him to feel uncomfortable. Kouji blushed before ignoring him and adding in a stern manner. 'Organize them quickly.' He paused before looking at the opposite direction and heading towards his black bag against the wall. A quick realization reached him as he stopped in his way, looking at the carpet to find it clean. He muttered to himself. _'She had cleaned it then.'_

The long-haired boy opened his bag, throwing the books carelessly and searched for the CD, Takuya had given him few days ago. Heck, he didn't even know why he accepted it. Finding it seconds later, he looked around the room for his cell phone to send the message. His black cell phone was on the far end of the desk along with his headphones and Mp3. He walked towards it slowly before the scene of his brother between the books grabbed his attention slowly. Kouichi who was sitting cross legged on the carpet was turning the pages of a book and seemed too lost in what he was reading.

'What is this?'Kouji asked, startling Kouichi again who gasped and closed the book fearfully, 'I-I...found it in your bookcase.'

Kouji's hand clutched the book before frowning slightly. 'I have never seen it before.' He opened the first page and was taken aback by the fact that it was written in English. What surprised him even more was the neat signature at the top of the first page.

'Izumi Orimoto.' He read in amusement before it all clicked in its place. Izumi who had been in Italy for most of her life joined their school two years ago. Soon after she became friends with him and Takuya and it had always been a mystery how she managed to bear being with both of them despite how different they were. About a month ago, she lost a novel she had brought several times to school and the accusation felt almost immediately on Takuya as she claimed he was making a childish trick and took her novel. After hours of searching Takuya and his school bag, she gave up. Takuya who had previously made a dare to make the girl apologize for something forced the poor blonde to apologize for accusing him without a proof. Kouji muttered to himself, completely forgetting his brother and his confused look. 'That was really mean, goggle-head! I wasn't focusing on what was going on so he slipped it in my bag, knowing I would just drop the books once I am home.'

He allowed a devilish smirk to overcome him before picking his cell phone and dropping the novel on the ground. He stopped before calling Izumi's number, looking at Kouichi who continued reading carefully.

'You can read English?'

Izumi was half- Italian so English wasn't too much of a problem to her. It wasn't that bothering to him too but he was in no way going to read such a thick book in English.

Kouichi nodded.

He raised an eyebrow before staring at Kouichi closely to the point that Koucihi's face turned into deep shade of red.

'How?'

'I was in a program for foreign languages. A young researcher from United Sates wanted to examine how fast can Japanese children acquire a certain language. She chose children from different levels with different circumstances. I was one of twenty five kids.'

Kouji fought a surprised gasp and let his 'I don't care' mask fall down a little bit, allowing Kouichi to continue in the same hesitant and weak voice. 'We were supposed to study five languages in three months. The orphanage didn't mind her adopting few kids from there.'

Kouji pulled his desk chair and sat, doing a terrible job in hiding his interest.' It is impossible to master five languages in three months.'

'T-true. We achieved different levels in the end. I got a A- in English and French, B in Italian and Arabic and C in Spanish. Other kids got A in the five languages and some could hardly achieve a D in any.'

'Not Bad.' He said it in a clearly amused tone, making Kouichi blush again. 'So Izumi would finally find someone to talk to in Italian.'

Kouichi's eyes asked him for explanation and he simply answered. 'She is the owner of this book. She is half Italian and half Japanese.'

What interested Kouji in his brother's reaction was his simple nod. He didn't ask expected questions like the exact relationship between him and Izumi. To Kouji they were only friends and he knew (despite Takuya's denial) that the brunette has a crush on her. Why would he keep annoying her like this for anyway?

He dialed her number and received a surprised Izumi on the receiving end. 'You barely call, Kouji. Is something wrong? Is Takuya Ok?'

He answered in indifferently, hiding his amusement. 'Actually I have some good news. You remember the book you lost, Harry potter and the Half Blood Prince.'

She seemed confused at the strange topic Kouji was bringing. 'Yeah. I have read it three times before but I still can't believe I lost it.'she paused before resuming in boiling tone. 'I swear Takuya took it from my bag when I wasn't looking. That idiot made me apologize to him for nothing.'

'Well I have it.'

'It is okay, Kouji. I have read it. You don't have to give it to me.'

'But I won't give it to you because it is originally yours. I think Takuya had put it in my bag that day.'

Long silence enveloped the conversation as Kouji concidered asking her if she was okay but the high-pitched threatening shout cut his thoughts severely.'Cosa! Come avrebbe potuto? Io lo ucciderà lentamente e dolorosamente!'

Kouji sweat-dropped. 'Take good care of him then. And the CD he borrowed from you is with me.'

She thanked Kouji before he shrugged the topic off. Looking at Kouichi who left the book for the time being and looked at him a bit…sadly, he sighed mentally and interrupted Izumi's blabbing about what she is going to do with the goggle-head. He knew that she wouldn't do half of these things. After all, they are her only friends too far and Takuya had always had that special place in her heart.

'Can I borrow the book for few days? I will make Takuya take it to you later along with your CD.'

He was used to drop the suffix of her name when Takuya, she and him are together however in front of others Izumi-chan or even Orimoto-chan was the proper way to call her. The idea of calling a girl with her first name in front of his brother comforted him a bit. At least he is being himself in front of Kouichi who was looking at the book in slight fear of losing the opportunity to read it.

'Of course. As long as I know it is safe with you but seriously since when you are interested in English literature…or is it because of someone else?'

She added the last part teasingly as he rolled his eyes and scowled. 'Iie. I just want it.'

Takuya had told her everything back then so she knew that Kouji has a twin. Takuya's excuse was that he needed someone's help in case he weren't able to bring Kouji to his senses. He was angry at the beginning but he knew that Takuya was right besides Izumi was a friend he can trust and being raised in different society she was less judging than most of the people he knew.

''course. Try to call Takuya after I kill him. I mean to send your condolences to him.'

He pressed the close button before returning to Kouichi who was holding the book against his chest. 'You can have it for few days. Its owner doesn't mind.'

Kouichi asked hesitantly with the disbelieving look in his eyes. 'R-really?'

Fantasy books were his world. Nothing was much better than escaping the real world in the arms of a fantasy book that took him elsewhere…away from his loneliness and grief. He could build worlds and live in others, feeling the characters' sadness and happiness. Reading allowed him to discover himself much better and to replace his disability to study regularly in normal school as being adopted repeatedly prevented him from stable school life. No one could ask who was he or his intention from crawling in a corner in a library with a book as long as he follow orders. It had been few months since he last read a book or went to a library. Not all those who adopt him gave him the ability to leave home when he wanted. In fact it was the other way around but he didn't mind being scolded for reading or going to the library against the orders. That had been his world and the only place that he can be himself in.

Kouichi's surprised question was small and too innocent like a child who found his long-lost treasure that it ached Kouji's heart slightly as it shook his solid grounds. He shrugged off in fake disinterest. 'Yeah. Just take care of it.'

'I will. I promise you Kouji.' Kouichi promised in excitement, looking at the book gladly. The thought of calling Kouji by his first name troubled him as he placed the book on his lap and muttered, ashamed. 'I am sorry. I mean Kouji-ku-'

'It doesn't really matter as long as I am calling you with your first name.'

Neither could ignore the strange friendliness in the atmosphere between them. Comforting silence filled the air as Kouichi gave him a small nod before looking at the floor in confusion, debating his thoughts about yesterday's night. It felt impossible to believe what had happened as Kouji had never been caring or even pitying him like he had done. Part of him insisted that it was nothing but a fragment of his imagination or nightmares, caused by the drug yet the broken glass Satomi had cleaned this morning was real and her apologize for what she had done couldn't be a mere dream. Kouji's blanket on his bed affirmed the reality of what happened. He wished to believe that someone could care or at least try to care for him. He touched the faded thin lines of blood on his palms from yesterdays then whispered hesitantly as if talking to himself. 'It…it was a dream, wasn't it?'

Silence stretched longer than supposed and answered him coldly. His sad eyes stared at the book's cover in his lap. At least he had imagined something good for once, something to replace the torturing nightmares he had day and night.

Kouji gazed at the troubled form of his brother and hesitated to answer his question. The question wasn't directed to him so it wouldn't be problem to simply ignore it but…It hadn't been a dream. How much he wished to reveal that simple truth to his brother. The truth that would mean all the differences in the world to them. The thought of how happy his brother would be upon hearing the truth confused him even more. He wasn't ready…Not yet. He has to wait till he is completely ready to be a good brother.

Kouji stood in front of the door and murmured. 'Be careful next time.' His voice was so soft that it took Kouichi's full concentration to hear it. A soft, trembled smile curved Kouichi's pale lips as he sighed inaudibly. _I didn't lose hope…Not yet…Maybe I should just wait for things to be better._ And the other smiled softly, reflecting his twin's unseen smile.

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

><p>Yep!I found a title. Why do titles and summaries became troubling more than the chapter it self sometimes? *Shrugging* I will never know, anyway...<p>

Next chapter will invite Takuya physically in the events hehe. I like seeing him around. It seems that he is the only one so far that can bring Kouji to his senses which he really needs. He gives such a cheerful atmosphere in the plot as things are going to go really depressing after that.

For the book, I know there are seven books for Harry potter but as I am still in the sixth, I decided to let Kouichi read it along with me XD. About Kouichi's memories(He wasn't sure about the two times he talked with Kouji peacefully), you notice that his two meaningful conversation between him and Kouji(the song and after what happened with Satomi) ended with him taking a sleeping pill and sleeping right after it which caused his memories then to be vague and foggy however he remembered their first talk(first fight)and hopefully will remember that Kouji allowed him to keep the book.

(-)(-)(-)

_Cosa! Come avrebbe potuto? Io lo ucciderà lentamente e dolorosamente (Italian): What ! How could he? I will kill him slowly and painfully._

_Iie:No_

_Ohayo:good morning(informal)_

_Bakaa:idiot  
><em>


	7. Friends, huh?

**Author Note**

Oh...It has been long...long time since I updated something and ironically the last thing I updated is the first thing I am updating now. This chapter didn't go as I want mostly, for I wanted it to be full of fun and remarkably light but I couldn't get away from the drama. The coming few chapters will be tragic, though and I am slightly debating on changing the rate of some coming chapters to M because of reasons, I will mention later.

By the way, this is my longest written fiction till now. Seven chapters. Not much but good enough for the time being! Anyway, please **enjoy** and **review** because I felt quite _depressed_ at the reviews rate last chapter_*wailing like a baby*_

If you liked the chapter, it will be _nice_ to tell me and if you don't, it would be _nicer_ to drop by and tell me why..^.^..

**Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

**Chapter Seven**

**Friends, huh?**

Diving in the changing atmosphere of the fantasy world was one of the few things he managed to feel happy around or rather to feel himself in. The startling truths in the novel he continued reading an hour ago (he wanted to finish reading it last night but couldn't resist sleeping any longer)alarmed him as he jumped literary because of the voices of a quarrel downstairs. He laughed at himself inwardly as his loss in the story distanced him from reality to the extent that he thought the fight in the novel had transferred physically around him. He closed the book, memorizing the page number he was currently in. It wouldn't be polite to mark the page in a book he doesn't own anyway. Stepping slowly out of his bed, he walked towards the door, shrugging off the slight headache he felt.

'Damn it. Come back here bakaa!'

'I am dead both ways so why should I ? '

Kouichi blinked at the voices which started to come closer to the room. He could easily recognize Kouji's threatening voice but he was fairly sure that he never heard the other voice before. The quarrel seemed less serious than the one he used to hear between Kouji and his father…their father… yet that didn't stop his worry of what was coming as hurried footsteps approached his room; Kouji's room. It was not his. He was a visitor or a guest here and that was more than what he could dream of.

The strange movement of the door's knuckle told him that someone was trying to open it. His breaths grow heavier as the door started to open slowly. No matter how unreasonable his fear was, he couldn't get rid of it. There was nothing to be afraid of inside the Minamoto household yet he was terrified.

'Hey there!' the new figure said cheerfully but didn't give him a chance to answer as he closed the door behind him and grinned at the room's keys on the desk.

'Found it!' he breathed in relief before running towards the desk, grabbing the keys and closing the door in less than a minute. He sighed before smiling nervously at Kouichi's blank stares. 'Oh sorry about that, buddy. Kouji can be really our of control when he is angry. That will give him some time to cool down.'

The voice of Kouji's fists knocking on the door angrily made him laugh more nervously,' And I don't think that will happen soon.'

Kouichi looked at the brown-haired guy before taking a step back. The guy rubbed his hair shamefully and apologized.'Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.'He grinned widely. 'I am Kanabra Takuya and you must be Kouichi, ne? It is nice to meet you.'

The other didn't seem that threatening anyway. He had become really good in feeling how dangerous or bad the people around him. 'But h-how?'

'Kouji told me of course. I can't believe how you look like him.' Kouichi bowed slightly despite knowing that there was no need to be so formal.

Takuya gasped as he came closer, eyes examining Kouichi's face carefully, causing the other to blush and look at the floor.

'Man, you are really shy. You look just like how he described you. Polite and shy and really cute.'

Kouichi's face grew redder as he shifted in his place uncomfortably under the other's eyes who grinned evilly, 'If the girls are going crazy over Kouji in his cold character. What the heck are they going to do if they saw you?'he took few steps towards the nervous boy. It was rather strange and funny to see someone with Kouji's face yet completely different especially someone as nice and innocent as Kouichi looked to him. Despite what Kouji had told him about his new brother, Takuya hadn't get the whole image of Kouji's words. He pointed out. 'I got an idea. Do you like taking a picture?'

'E-Excuse m-me?'

'A picture and as no one knows that Kouji has a twin. they would think he had cut his hair and looked suddenly more innocent than he could ever be.'

'Open the door, idiot! I will kill you, Takuya!'Kouji's murdering voice increased in the volume as he continued hitting the door, ready to break it.

Takuya sat on the carpet in hopelessness. 'He is gonna kill me.'

Kouichi blinked. 'W-why?'

Takuya raised his head and looked at his confused face before muttering to himself in what looked like a drowning person who is clutching a straw's look.'Maybe I am not dead! I know what I should do.' He stood suddenly and grabbed Kouichi's shoulder then stood behind him, making Kouichi completely nervous and speechless. Takuya comforted. 'Calm down. It is all right. He would never hurt me like this.' Receiving a raised eyebrow from a very clueless Kouichi, Takuya explained hurriedly. 'All what you have to do is to stand here. He won't hit me this way.'

'But. I don't understand Kanabra-kun.'

Takuya giggled at the formal way Kouichi called him with.'Oh come on. Call me Takuya and you don't really have to understand.' The hitting on the door stopped as Takuya wondered about the reason before stepping from behind Kouichi and standing in front of him.

It had been like the silence before a storm. Takuya waited impatiently and Kouichi wondered mentally what kind of people Kouji bring home. Takuya didn't seem crazy but he sounded far cheerful for someone who was going to be slaughtered. The brief period he barely knew Kouji in, he understood how dangerous it was to make him angry or to annoy him and Takuya's character was completely different from his brother's so how would these two be friends? He didn't feel that he was ridiculously jumping to the conclusion of them being friends but if Kouji had told Takuya about him then they were friends or close enough to that level.

He looked at Takuya's sweated face and sighed mentally, knowing that if this guy was the one Kouji talked about with the girl he called yesterday then he would be in trouble. There was no point in walking into a fight between Kouji and his friend but what choice did he have? The deadly silence ended with a low click, declaring the opened door. Kouji stepped in the room, smirking in not so happy face and stuffed the keys in his pocket. Takuya resorted behind his safe shelter and asked in annoyance.'From where did you get those keys?'

Kouji frowned.'This is my room. Of course I have additional keys somewhere out.'He narrowed his eyes when he saw Kouichi's troubled face between them. 'Now let's talk outside.'

'No way.'Takuya shouted, gripping Kouichi's shoulders tightly and addressing the younger twin.'You are gonna kill me. I know that for sure.'

'Because you deserve that, goggle head and leave him alone.'

'Don't wanna!' Takuya sang childishly and teased. 'You can't hurt him to get me, ne?'

Kouji gritted his teeth. 'I said leave him now,Kanabara.'

'No.'

Kouichi who felt completely out of place released himself simply from Takuya's grip, leaving a baffled Takuya and disbelieved Kouji before sitting on the edge of his bed silently and looked at Kouji questioningly. He wasn't the type to interfere in fights or to bear watching them even if they were like children's bickering just like now. It was hard to hide the surprised look he had once he saw Kouji stifling a laugh at Takuya's misfortune.

'Fine but you won't kill me in front of him and I am not leaving.'Takuya sat crossed legged on the floor and challenged Kouji.

'If you are so afraid of me then why did you send that message using my name?'Kouji crossed his arms in annoyance.

'Because you can be a jerk. All those girls who send you an admiration letter are heart-broken because of you so I figured out that it won't hurt anyone to simply reply to one of them.'

'And to tell the girl whom I don't even remember her face that she is pretty but not my type.'

'Well this is the less you owe them. What is the problem in soft words?'

'And you are someone to talk. Shouldn't you stop being annoying to the girl you love.'

Takuya blushed madly and roared. 'Shut up,Kouji. I told you Izumi is just a friend.'

Kouji smirked and leaned against the wall, raising an amused eyebrow.'Who talked about Izumi?'_Take this goggle-head.._.

Takuya groaned and looked away, failing to hide the embarrassed blush. 'That was supposed to be my revenge for telling her about the book and the CD.'

'The revenge which you are going to apologize for once we are back to school.'

'Never.'

'You don't have any other choice, Takuya. I can't stand letting that girl think it was me who replied to her love letter besides how could you sent the message to her if there was no school?'

'Easy. She came to the training to see you despite knowing you aren't even a member of the team.'

'Excuse me...'

It took a whole two minutes for both of them to remember Kouichi's presence. Kouji coughed to clear his throat, mumbling a hurried sorry before gripping Takuya's arm to drag him outside. The brunt protested hotly, clutching the carpet with his nails like a kitty, driving his friend crazy.

That was different. It wasn't the personality Kouji had around him but how on earth could he deal with him in the same way he was dealing with his friend? The memory of Kouji's harsh way in dealing with his own parents had led him to the realization that Kouji was cold-hearted person but…

'I said stand up, Takuya. We have a damn project to work for before the end of vacation.'

'I deserve few minutes break, for God's sake, Kouji!'Takuya whined then glared at Kouichi as if asking for help.

'Damn it! You can get your free time outside!'

'But I want to know more about Kouichi!'Takuya shot back.

Awkward silence embraced them. Kouji looked at his brother who refused to meet their eyes before shifting his gaze to the floor, murmuring in a calmer voice. 'Not now, Takuya.'

Takuya sighed in frustration and sat up, rubbing his head awkwardly. 'I am sorry. Didn't want to be too annoying.'

'I-It's O-Okay.'

The two friends gaze moved to the raven haired boy who was playing with finger in nervousness. ' It was nice to meet you.'

A proud smile lit Takuya's face as he poked Kouji in the arm. 'I told you. You shouldn't prevent me from meeting him.'

Kouji looked away and muttered in deep concern. 'He was sick.'

'But he looks good to me.'

'Whatever. I will bring our notebooks here. We might finish the project here in case he didn't mind.'

Kouichi nodded a bit enthusiastically as Kouji left the room silently. Takuya walked towards him on the edge of the bed, smiling encouragingly.'He really cares about you.'

Kouichi raised his head.'Kouji?'

'Yeah. I have always wanted to meet you, you know. I mean you are the only one who managed to puzzle him. He is really confused when it comes to you. But you mean a lot to him…You gave him hope to be himself gradually. I admit that I changed him but it took months to befriend him and believe me, I don't know if I succeeded in being real friends with him. He is quite secretive about his feelings but I assure you…he wants to be a good brother more than you think.'

Takuya's words were so sincere that he couldn't help but believe them. Kouji was a source of fear to him…Despite the two sweet dreams he had about Kouji being nice to him which part of him begged to believe in their reality. The cold shiver shook his frail body as his eyes dared to control few tears while looking at the ground. It hurt to have a caring brother as much as it hurt to be with someone who didn't want him. He was scared to believe in the brightness of his coming days despite his heart's plead to forget the painful past and turn a new page.

However, believing in the future means clutching with a hope that was much ruthless than the scary wind outside. The reason he kept living for was his hope of a better life and when that life became ready to use colors in them, he was terrified of collapsing all over again. He had never imagined a whole family even in his wildest dreams. He wished he could have someone who cares a bit about him…who would give him a dignity life and normal circumstances but now and out of no where…he had a rich father, a good, nice woman as a foster mother, a brother who is trying to be nice to him and even a cheerful guy who wants to be his friend after few minutes of seeing him.

It was simply too much for him.

And that scared him more than those deadly sleeping pills.

'Anno!Kouichi! I mean Kouichi-kun. Are you okay?' Takuya's hand waved in front of his blank face as the sound of a thud awoke him from his wonder. He blinked weakly, feeling himself about to faint because of the rushing blood to his heart suddenly. Once his thoughts re-organized themselves, he found himself under the gazes of the other two. Takuya's face was full of nervous confusion unlike Kouji's who was stricken with worry. He shook his head to clear his mind, feeling the red color on his cheeks before smiling tiredly.'I am sorry. I am fine.'

An identical sigh escaped both of them as Takuya's gasp followed his previous sigh.'Kouji?'

Kouji's grip refused to leave Takuya's collar as he hissed dangerously, momentarily forgetting Kouichi's presence. 'What the hell have you done to him?'

'I didn't do anything. I swear. He just spaced out suddenly. I freaked out too!'Takuya fought to breath for few seconds before Kouji let go of his collar, leaving him to cough violently. 'What had I done to deserve this, Kouji?'

'Oh Shut up!'

A small smile covered Kouichi dizzy face. It was surprising to see Kouji apparently caring but he couldn't ignore how shameful he felt for spacing out and freaking the poor Takuya, leading him to earn a scolding anger. He had been supposed to defend Takuya and to apologize for causing trouble but he couldn't stop his heart from being slightly happy at being under the pure worry of the _strangers_ who are starting to deserve places in his heart. Kouji will always remain an enigma for him but for the time being, he could enjoy seeing Kouji's real personality around him and others.

'So, Kouichi, Do you like to play some video games? We can finish the project later. We have plenty of time.'

'I-I don't know any video games.'Kouichi apologized shyly.

'You don't have to know them actually. I can teach you how to play some, right Kouji?'

Kouji ran a hand through his hair, shooting Takuya a death glare and mumbling his agreement.

'But, before playing. Do you really know five languages including Italian?'

Another death glare fired towards Takuya but he ignored it and focused on the embarrassed eyes of Kouichi who gave a small nod.

'Izumi will like talking to you. She is already bugging me what kind of person you are.'

Kouichi raised his head towards him, questioningly. 'The girl who owns _that_ book.'

A grin answered him.'Yep. I hardly managed to survive her anger because of that book.' He paused then added to himself, 'Let's hope, she would forget about making me apologize in front of the whole class. That is embarrassing!'

'You deserve that!'

'Just stay out of the problem, Kouji!'

'After you put the book in my backbag, forget it. And if she forgave you, I won't.' A smirk annoyed Takuya despite how clear it was that its aim was to lighten the mood as well.

'Anyway. Kouji, Could you bring us some cookies. Minamoto-san had made some before leaving, right?'

Kouji groaned and rolled his eyes. 'Help yourself!'

Takuya pouted and turned to Kouichi who was left out of their conversation and smiled at him. 'I'd like us to be friends, Kouichi. In case this idiot did anything wrong this time, you can always tell me.'

'Hey!'

Kouji's flushed protest died quickly as another strange silence sealed the atmosphere. Kouji kept his gaze away from his twin. He knew that Takuya was trying to help them to be closer but he couldn't lead himself to take any meaningful steps. Heck, he didn't even ask Kouichi to sleep last night when he kept reading till after midnight and he was thankful that Kouichi wasn't a light sleeper or else Kouichi would see him, covering him with the blanket and putting the book on the side table when he slept. Sighing mentally, he wished he could have Takuya's courage to correct his mistakes or to apologize for them. His father hadn't returned from Tokyo yet and Satomi was spending longer time outside as if avoiding him. Was it a bit hectic for his best friend to ask for his vulnerable brother's friendship he didn't know. From the corner of his eye, he saw Kouichi's painful expressions at the request. He exchanged a look with Takuya who was taken aback by the odd reaction.

'Kouichi?'It was Kouji who dared to call him, feeling the other's internal turmoil. He bit his lip as Takuya's apologetic look torn him. Maybe it had been too irresponsible to take such a step.

A Friend?

Kouichi could hardly stifle a hysteric laugh, fearing it would turn into a broken cry. His tears mesmerized in his eyes as he bit his lower lips harder…He never had someone who he was able to call a friend.

No…He had but he simply lost whenever he felt close to them till he gave up trying to accept someone else…not that someone had ever tried so hard to befriend him. It was life. Always taking those he loved and cared about so maybe it would be wrong to accept this chance. A friend was supposed to mend his broken heart, to give him a life but he was fearful that his already broken hurt would be completely devastated this time. He wished to scream. Maybe to let them feel his pain…his fear but his shaky, shallow breaths and cold shivers paralyzed him from responding that begging scream or to even react to Kouji's shake and Takuya's frantic calls of his name.

He really wanted someone he can trust but that one is Kouji's friend so losing this new life means losing someone else outside this small family. In front of the outer world, he and Kouji weren't brothers so what right did he have to interfere more in Kouji's personal life? But the brown haired guy: Takuya, he reminded himself of the brunette's name, didn't ask for his friendship in a matter of pity or sympathy. So a chance wouldn't hurt but it might kill him in the end and he had lost enough. His head hurt and the dizziness feeling overcame him as his body gave up gradually. It was a shame how weak his body and soul were. Whenever he was lost, his body would react physically as well as emotionally. He had to be strong if he wanted to be normal and to give his heart and body some time to recover.

'Kouichi?'The cry was more tense and the shaking grow till it painfully hurt him. He forced his eyelids to response shakily.

Kouji's face hovered over him in deep worry and a badly hidden fear before it calmed in relief once seeing him back to consciousness. He helped him to lye down on the bed. He sighed and looked at Takuya apologetically before addressing his sick brother calmly. 'You'd better get some sleep.'

He pulled the blanket tightly over Kouichi and offered a small smile.' It will be fine.'

Kouichi nodded and looked at Takuya who was now watching the carpet absentmindedly. 'G-Gomen.'

Takuya barely nodded at the whispered apologize before standing up and collecting the notebooks, Kouji had thrown them on the floor minutes ago then ran downstairs in few seconds, slamming the door shut with a loud 'bang'.

Kouichi's tears broke free at the scene of his supposed new friend. He had hurt someone who he was supposed to be in his dept for asking for his friendship. He had simply troubled him and turned that cheerful personality to a guilty one. Takuya wanted to help but he was too scared to accept this opportunity.

_It is my fault. I hurt him because I am a coward._

'It is not your fault!

His eyes widened at Kouji's ability to understand his thoughts.'Takuya would understand that you need some time.'

He sat up and walked towards the door. Kouji turned to look at him in sympathy and controlled calmness. 'All of us need time. But at least you know he will be always here when you need him.'

Kouichi raised his spinning head from the pillow weakly, begging Kouji silently to look at him directly. His voice trembled. A-And y-you?' He took a shaky breath and added painfully. 'Will y-you...be...here if I..n-needed...y-you?

Kouji breathed heavily, closed his eyes and reopened them slowly to look at the other's tearful face softly. He murmured gently. 'I will.'

**To Be continued**


	8. A Fallen Hope

**Author Note**

I admit it. This chapter is quite depressing so be previously warned. The rating for this chapter and the coming 3-4 chapters had slightly changed to (T+) . Not to reach the M level, though but fairly close to it.

Thanks to_ Immortal Fallen Radiance, DarkKnightCessi , Moonsmile-chan_ for reviewing, you made up my day, guys! Enjoy every one and Gomen nasai for being late. I made it _extra_ long to make up for that so please tell me what you think ^^"

* * *

><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni <strong>

**Chapter Eight**

**A Fallen Hope**

A small, satisfied smile greeted his lips, brightening his innocent features. The blue orbs gazed proudly at the drawing's outlines; the picture's object wasn't too impressive but the skill itself was something he was grateful to have. An even wider smile overcame him once he put the sketch on the drawer beside the bed, he was sitting comfortably in. The reason beyond that smile wasn't purely because he was able to draw but basically because of how the sketch reached him. It was quite relieving to notice how hard Kouji was trying to be nice to him without showing it. Forgetting or rather purposefully putting a black, middle-sized sketch book on the desk after he, Kouichi, had previously and unintentionally mentioned that he liked drawing. Kouji had also brought the seventh book of Harry Potter's series, claiming that the owner of the book begged him to give it to _him_.

Kouji had even allowed Takuya to visit again, repeating over and over that he had allowed the brunette to come so they could finish their school project. Takuya had tried everything to teach Kouichi how to play an easy video game and despite Kouichi's effort to enjoy the game, they both miserably failed. When he reflected to that incident, he couldn't help but chuckle softly. Kouji looked too normal, almost human in a way, when he face-palmed himself once Takuya announced giving up teaching Kouichi to play for the fourth time in a raw(He returned to teaching him each time, though). Kouichi had thought that Takuya wouldn't appear with that cheesy smile of his in his room again however the brunette refused to give up on him even after the dramatic reaction he showed once the former's friendship was offered.

He gazed at the drawn black and white guitar contently. Nothing much could be drown in Kouji's room so he chose something simple and easy to draw before Kouji's coming back; something Kouji would like seeing. He would show it to him despite knowing that Kouji would only nod without offering any kind of appreciation or interest. If there was something Takuya's existence helped him to understand, it would be Kouji's fake coldness.

He felt much better. At least, he was able to leave the bed without stumbling on the floor. Eating by himself, walking inside the room and staying awake till he accept sleeping were changes that warmed his heart and increased his confidence. His relationship with Kouji didn't change that much but they were exchanging the formal greeting and few words from time to time. He had even debated offering Kouji some help in his project but he decided against that thought. For few minutes there, he wished he could join Kouji's school one day. Maybe they would work on something like that together.

_'I will be here if you needed me.'_

Kouichi believed every single letter of Kouji's reassurance heartily. They gave him hope of a better life. How couldn't he believe them when they were the only comfort he was desperately clutching now?

Who knows? Maybe the gloomy past would leave him if he accepted his coming days? Maybe if he convinced himself that life deserves living, that there was still hope he could hold on, he might then change himself and overcome his nightmarish fears. Thinking about the past would only kill him slowly but leaving the shell, he imprisoned himself inside through accepting people in his life might color his unfortunate life. People that he could completely trust. People like his brother who had offered that afternoon (grumbling with poorly showed indifference) that he could take him to the nearby public park because his female friend, Orimoto Izumi, wanted to see him. Kouichi had smiled at the offer then and nodded, telling him that he would like to thank her personally for the books. Kouji had just shrugged and muttered that he would be at Takuya's house to finish his project (Simply because Takuya would try another session of game's teaching and would eventually forget their project) Now, he thought about it, Kouji had talked to him while facing the desk and fumbling with his books nervously-to put the sketch maybe.

He knew that he was contradicting himself by shifting between being extremely hopeful and miserably desperate. But…maybe that was what he needed to move on…to believe in _her_ words that someone out there might care about him.

His blessed silent world started to fall apart suddenly and rather drastically. His heart ached for no reason and the fearful look his eyes had been free from for few days now threatened to kill him internally. He touched his chest frantically, wondering about the reason of such illogical fear and the answer came weaklyas unfamiliar voices came near Kouji's room. He looked at the door suspiciously, begging his heart to calm down. There was nothing to be afraid of, right? From the voices, he could easily recognize that both were males and much different than Takuya and Kouji's voices. Older, lower but something was strangely scary about them. He faintly recognized the somewhat familiar tone of one of them. His father; Kouji's father...

His heart clenched as the door's opened and his high hopes had crushed miserably.

* * *

><p>'Man, why the hell should I care about first world war? Couldn't Kobayashi-sensei give us something easier to talk about?' Takuya whined pathetically, throwing himself on his room's carpet. He frowned when he realized that Kouji didn't even recognize his complaint, not even with a biting remark as usual.<p>

'Oy, Where are you, buddy?'

Kouji sighed from the desk's chair and returned to scribbling some points on his notebook. 'I am trying to do something useful instead of whining.'

'But it is so damn boring! And you are so meanie, Kouji. You refused to continuedoing the project at your house. We could have kept Kouichi's company that way.' He added as an after thought. 'I was even going to teach him how to play a game that I just bought yesterday since you are too busy to pay attention to video games'

'You'd better finish the project quickly then not to die of boredom. I might allow you to come then.' Kouji scowled and opened another book, searching the table of contents for what could be relevant to the project's subject. 'Beside, it is just paper work. No presentation or stupid play act. Just an old plain paper work. The teacher will accept anything as long as it is not copied and pasted from the internet. You can play with him after finishing, you know.'

'As if I can use the internet to search for something useful.' Takuya scratched his chin.

Kouji released a growl then stood to bring the old-looking book from Takuya's bookcase. Takuya yawned in laziness and silence stretched for few minutes. The sudden sound of the book's closing caused Takuya to jump and turn his head to his friend questioningly. 'What is wrong with you?' His confusion developed into worry once Kouji's face looked too concentrated and slightly pained. 'Kouji? Is something wrong?'

The book fell from Kouji's hands to produce a thump sound on the floor. The long-haired boy didn't answer Takuya's question but his eyes betrayed him, showing fear.

'Kouji?'

Kouji shook his head once he recognized his friend's alarmed voice. He took a deep breath before leaning and collecting his things. He muttered as if talking to himself. 'I need go home.'

Takuya blinked then looked at the wall's o'clock. He exclaimed in concern. 'But it is 7:15 PM! You are used to stay till 11 and we have a project to finish.' He paused once Kouji stopped collecting his books and asked with a thoughtful, worried frown. 'What happened?'

'I don't know.' Kouji answered truthfully, looking at the floor. 'I just felt a painful twinge suddenly. I feel like I have to be home now.'

'Is it Kouichi?' Takuya asked bluntly. Once he thought about his question seconds later, he realized that he didn't even know why he asked it that way. It is not like Kouji seemed to have any kind of twin telepathy with the boy who had appeared from no where into his life.

Kouji bit his lip anxiously and answered in uncertainty seconds later, casting his gaze to the ground. 'I don't know but…I-I could feel that something ...very wrong is going to happen.'

'You said he was okay when you left. You have even bought him that sketch you saw after your Kendo practice yesterday.' Takuya looked at the darkening sky and trailed. 'You should have told him that it is a present, you know. I mean what if he didn't understand why you put it there in the first place.' He giggled suddenly and added: 'Iie, he is smart enough to understand your hopeless attempts to befriend him, ne? I am sure, he is enjoying himself now.' Takuya grinned at the last part but the grin faded quickly when Kouji didn't glare at him or protested that he bought it without intending to give it to his twin. They both knew that Kouji had improved a lot. Even if he himself insisted that their relationship was still the same.

'Otou-san is coming today.' The monotones, dead statement puzzled Takuya before it clicked slowly.

'Today? He had been in Tokyo for...ten days, right?'

Kouji nodded.

'It might be something good. He will be glad to see that Kouichi is felling better. Come on, he was the one who had always asked you to be nice to him. You don't have to worry.' Takuya reasoned, trying so hard to believe his own words.

'Maybe.'

'Hey, he might even send Kouichi to our school. The break finishes in few days.' Takuya smiled once he thought about his words carefully. Why wouldn't the twins' father send his elder son to their school anyway? Kouichi was feeling much better and with some help he would be able to join school normally.

'School?' Kouji seemed surprised at the mere thought.

'Hai.' Takuya smiled enthusiastically. 'Maybe you should talk to your father about that. Me and you and Izumi are in the same class so Kouichi won't be alone at all. We will take care of him. And about your similarities and the adoption thing, we can take care of that later.'

'You think?' It wasn't wrong to hope that their life will change and leave that melancholy circle, surrounding it since Kouichi's appearance. If he accepted that improvement, things might be better for all of them.

Takuya nodded in encouragement.

His friend was right. There was no point in worrying without even having a reason but…Kouji wasn't willing to ignore that pain and stay here. He should. No he _needed_ go home. And now. He had never experienced the sudden pain that squeezed his heart and disturbed him endlessly. He heard that twins feel each other's pain but that wasn't possible. After all, he had lived without knowing about Kouichi's existence for years and never felt such pain. To be truthful with himself, he had always felt that something was missing in his life and even when Kouichi appeared that didn't help to fill the hole completely. It was starting to fill slowly, though.

Takuya didn't protest again when he repeated that he was going home and that they would complete their project later.

Whatever that pain was, he didn't want to feel it again.

* * *

><p>That wasn't supposed to happen. None of it! Satomi-san had told him that his father cared about him and he believed her despite the fear, despite the memory of the identity that was burned in front of his eyes and despite his father's words that he wasn't allowed to address them as a family unless they asked for that. He didn't want to open his eyes to see the truth; the scary truth that had always manged to beat his dreams.<p>

In front of him, his father was talking to a man, he had never seen before. From the look of the case he was carrying and the professional eyes that examined the Prescription and the full bottle of sleeping pills, he looked like a doctor but completely different from the kind doctor that came few times before. Hadn't Kouji broke that bottle? he wondered. Maybe there was another one that Satomi-san didn't want to use.

They were talking as if he wasn't even there. The white-haired man shot him a disgusted look that sent shivers to his body. He pulled the blanket closer to his-now- clearly trembling body.

'Minamoto-san, shouldn't you have adopted someone else? He will have bad influence on your son besides that orphanages is one of the worst orphanages I heard about.'

Kousei didn't answer but moved to lean against the blank wall, gesturing to "the doctor" to start his job. The other man sighed and approached Kouichi's bed. 'Now, kid, let me see what your problem is exactly.'

Kouichi curled like a ball and pressed himself as far as he can from the man. 'Iie…stay away…' He begged in terror while the other's hand touched the top of his pajama. He screamed, pushing his hands away from him unsuccessfully.

'Stay still, boy! I won't hurt you.' The man said in irritation. He pushed the boy to lye on the bed forcefully.

'No…no…NO!' The blue eyes shivered frantically as the other's strong arms manged to unbutton the dark navy Pajama's top. His mind refused to give him a logical reason for what was going around him. The opened medical case meant that this man was a doctor. He wouldn't hurt him, right? Yet...he couldn't stifle his hysterical screams.

The man pushed him angrily then looked at Kousei as if explaining his harsh attitude. 'The kids from that orphanage are good actors you know. Acting so innocent and hiding how twisted they are. Seriously, you have a bright son, why would you adopt something as trivial as this kid?

Kousei answered calmly. 'Hamasaki- sensei, continue your work, please.'

Hamasaki seemed flushed because of the other's comment. He turned to reveal his frustration on the miserable figure In front of him. Feeling the urge to convince the other male of his perspective, Hamasaki muttered poisonously. 'You know, there was a girl that committed suicide from that orphanage few years ago. The one who was adopting her said that she was stealing from him. She was even running from his house and working in a night club.'

The story seemed so trivial to Kousei who ignored it completely and looked at his son who had stopped fighting suddenly, eyes wide.

'How shameful of a fourteen-year girl to work as a whore. I wouldn't be surprised if this kid was-'

Kousei shouted hotly, losing his cool suddenly. 'Hamasaki-sensei!' Judging the way he growled at the man, he seemed ready to do more than verbal shouting. Hamasaki's language wasn't the language of a respectful doctor but he was the only one he could bring without fearing undesired consequences. Hamsaki was different from the family's doctor who was had come several times to examine Kouichi''s health and had been extra careful when he described the sleeping pills to him.

Hamasaki nodded curtly in apology, unsatisfied at being interrupted. He had always hated those who would end up with desire to destroy the systematic society he was worshiping. These diseases, like the brat in front of him, were taking humanity down and causing the world to become an even darker place. How could he like one of those who would end up criminals one day no matter how nice they were treated?

He resumed his work, ignoring the glistering tears of the child's eyes. He didn't even know his name and it didn't really matter to him. After all, he owed Mianmoto Kousei a favor after Kousei had saved his client from bankrupt so he, Hamasaki, didn't hesitate when the man asked for his help to offer a more effective drug. He had even volunteered to examine the patient himself but once he had knew that he was an adopted kid from one of the worst known orphanages in the district, he regretted accepting.

Kouichi was about to protest against the other's indignant story but the feeling of fingertips touching his skin sent him screaming in horror. Unknowingly to the two adults, the trivial gossip the doctor had narrated carelessly was like a knife that dug deeply in his heart, opening an old wound.

His heart cried in fear...in shame for not being able to defend the girl who had been the motherly figure that enabled him to clutch the hope of something better…of someone who might care about him.

_An image of a pretty fourteen-year girl flashed in his mind. Her sweet, motherly smile had always managed to warm his heart. The smooth, light brown hair was loose around her elf-like features as the bright blue eyes encouraged him softly. 'Never loose hope Kou-chan. People who lost hope has no reason to live…like me.' Her tender voice cracked at the last two words before stepping back from him. The strong winds were playing sympathetically with her waist-lengthen hair._

_'But, Aiko-Onee-chan! You said you will...stay with me this time.'He cried clutching her hand as strong as his small hands can._

_'Gomen nasai, I can't stay anymore. I-I can't bear it anymore.'her voice wavered as tears streamed on her cheeks. 'I can't be their toy anymore. I am done selling myself.'_

_He had been too young to understand her words but it hurt him to see her crying. She lent in front of him and gave him a tight hug. 'You have such a big and sweet heart, Kouichi, don't ever allow anyone to destroy it! Hope is all what you need, sweetie, to find someone who will care deeply about you.'_

_He sobbed in her arms and nodded without understanding the complicated things she talked about._

_The wind grow ruthless. 'I have to go now.'_

_The eight-year old kid closed his eyes painfully to fight the burning tears as the orphanage's officials along with the monster who had destroyed his Onee-chan appeared from behind them. They were running and from their faces, they seemed like they were searching for them. She looked at them in disdain, he had never seen in those particular loving eyes. 'I am not yours anymore.' _

_The forty-year old man in a black suit smiled sickeningly at her. 'Oh, don't be so naughty, baby. You know we can take care of you.'_

_'Never. Not again! I won't lose myself to someone like you.' The girl screamed fiercely and took few steps back towards the edge of the orphanage's fence-less roof, smiling gently at Kouichi's tearful face and whispering so no one else could hear her. 'I was so glad to be like an elder sister to you, Kouichi. I am sure you will be okay…Sayonara!'_

The scene faded and a scream tore his throat once he was back to reality.

The man, the doctor, took a small bottle and a needle from his case along with his stethoscope, scorning the anguish look in the child's eyes. The kid's cries sounded hysterically insane to him. No wonder Minamoto-san wanted to get rid of him, he thought.

'I-I can't give up. If I did I…' Kouichi moaned. The cold touch of the other's fingers on his skin brought horrified memories to his mind. He screamed again almost hysterically. Yet that didn't stop the horrible memories or the other's touch…

* * *

><p>The first thing that alarmed him once he opened the front door was the helpless look of his step-mom. She was covering her face in her hands and the sound of sniffs reached his sensitive eyes. She looked at him, shocked and stuttered. 'Ko...uji, you'd better sleepover...at K-Kanbara-kun's house...tonight.'<p>

Kouji didn't thought about her words but kept staring at her tearful eyes and the miserable, tired look of her face, momentarily forgetting where he was. She wiped her tears and shuddered involuntarily before rushing to his side and enveloping him in a sudden hug which he didn't even return. He stood, still, allowing her to hug him and to cry softly. She kept murmuring that he shouldn't be home now and that everything would be fine. His mind froze once he registered what she was saying, his eyes moved unconsciously to the stairs.

A high-pitched screech stunned them. Satomi released him and gaped in terror, repeating without making an eye contact. 'Onegai, Kouji. Go to your friend's house now...I beg you...It will be O-okay!'

Another scream that seemed stifled succeeded a terrified gasp shook him. And before he knew it, he was running towards his room, leaving Satomi who called him in a panicked tone.

His bedroom's door was open and the second he reached it, he saw what made his heart sink. His father was standing beside the wall, with expressionless face that had been empty of all emotions. No matter how distanced he was from his father, he had never seen such a blank look.

A third cry disturbed the silence and the sound of a strange man scowled in frustration. 'Damn it Kid, Shut up!'

The kid, the man was ordering was no one but the fragile figure that was pinned on the bed. The blankets were thrown carelessly under the man's feet. None of them acknowledged his presence and his disbelieving blue eyes moved slowly to see what the man was doing-the doctor- he managed to understand from the look of the opened medical case on his own bed. The figure, his brother, was fighting feebly, trying to push the man's hands from his bare chest. Kouji's eyes widened once he noticed the faded bruises and scars on Kouichi's chest. The whip's faint lines traced his pale skin, giving Kouji the urge to throw up.

Kouichi gasped and released another scream, whimpering faintly with a hoarse plead. 'Please…stay away…s-s-stop, please…please…'The plead didn't reach the doctor's deaf eyes. He shouted at the boy, dangerously. 'I am not going to hurt you, boy! Shut up and let me do my work!'

The man's strong right hand clutched Kouichi's bare arms above his head. He snatched a needle from the bed(It had obviously fell because of Kouichi's struggling movement) and as quick as Kouji noticed it, the needle's content was injected in Kouichi's wrist.

Kouichi gaped, wept and screamed meekly but nothing had changed around him. His father avoided looking at his tear-stained face or feeling his tremors. A shudder then another weak plead once his body lost its power to protest. He murmured to himself more than anyone's else. 'P-please…enough…Mama…hel-' His head fell on the pillow. His eyelids screamed, begging him to close them but fear prevented the sedative from killing the light and banishing it from his eyes. The blue, unfocused eyes gazed blurrily at the image of Kouji standing at the door's step. They widened ever slightly as tears kept tickling his cheeks. A dying groan was followed by an inaudible cry that mouthed Kouji's name before his whole body gave up helplessly.

'Oh, this is your son, Minamoto-san.' The man's sudden voice brought Kouji to the unbelieving reality of what he was seeing. He didn't believe how stunned he was. His existence hadn't even been noticed till that strange man looked at him in admiration as if comparing him to the wimpy unconscious boy. The image of Kouichi's shivering body forced him to forget how to breath. The other's tears kept falling even after he lost consciousness to wet the pillow.

His father nodded without even turning to look at him. The man moved again towards Kouichi's body. He put the stethoscope roughly on the patient's weakly raised chest. Few minutes passed with them accepting the silence forcefully or voluntarily and in Kouji's case unconsciously. He wasn't able to recognize what had happened in front of his eyes. The doctor used another needle to take a specimen from the unconscious kid's wrist and muttered to the other adult in the room. 'I wouldn't be surprised if I discovered some terrible illness by examining his blood. You can never trust those little devil's innocent faces.'

The supposed doctor gathered his devices, closed his case and smiled professionally to Kousei before steeping out of the room, with a slight bow, promising to give him the results as quick as possible and handing him a small box of needles.

The man left, leaving both son and father alone.

'W-why?'Kouji managed to utter once he trusted himself enough not to stutter yet the waver in his voice proved him wrong.

'Because it has to be done.' Kousei answered coldly. 'Didn't you want him to disappear from your life? I will do what you wished.'

'Wh-what do you mean?' He shouted, anger burning inside him.

'I will send him to a hospital that treats drug abuse.' His father's voice was flat. He moved towards Kouichi who was gasping for air, desperately. Kouji didn't say anything for few minutes, allowing his father to re-button Kouichi's top pajama and to cover him with the thrown blanket. Kouichi's body shivered at the mere touch of Kousei's hand on his skin.

'P-please…ay…Mama…'

The muffled, unconscious words made Kouji's body tremble with rage. He looked at his brother whose shivers were visible enough to tell them that his nightmares had already begun.

'He-He was feeling…better.' Kouji whispered weakly, all strength left him vulnerable to understand any of what was going on. Wasn't his father who asked him numerous times to be nice to his brother? Wasn't he the one who told him that he was proud of how better he had started to treat Kouichi? And wasn't his father who insisted that Kouichi would never hate _him_…that Kouichi is just afraid and would be better if they cared enough about him?

'And that is the problem.' Kousei said monotonously, walking towards the door. 'I can't send him to a boarding school neither to your school. It is impossible to send him back to an orphanage so that leaves the hospital. The percentage of drugs in his body isn't enough for the hospital's administration to allow him to stay there, though.'

'So…so…you were drugging him purposefully?'Kouji's voice increased dangerously.

'People have already started talking.'

'You are killing him…'

'He would understand one day. I can't allow him to go out to the world when I don't know what to tell people about him. I thought he would take a while to recover from what happened in the orphanage but he is as stubborn as your mother.'

The mentioning of his mother in that indifferent tone cut the last thread of patience or lack of understanding Kouji had. He growled in a voice that looked like a wolf's cry 'He wanted a life…Why can't you give it to him? Damn it! He was begging you to help him minutes ago. He was pleading you to look at him in a different way-different from those who treated him as a tool. Is your position in front of the society matters more than your own son?

'You don't understand!'

'Shut up!' What the hell do you think me? You asked me to be nice to him and now you are killing him and asking me to stay away!'. Kouji roared, tears threatening to fall. He pointed at Kouichi. 'Can't you see him? He is scared…He doesn't want to be trapped in his nightmares but you are pushing him there.'

'I am doing this for his sake.'

'Liar! You are afraid of what others will say about you. You are scared of the sound of his screams that sure as hell had reached the neighbors now.'

'Just keep him out of your life, Kouji. Isn't that what you wanted?'

'S-s-stop!'the sobbed mumble felt like lightening that froze both of them. Kouji's eyes moved instinctively towards the sleeping figure who continued whimpering in his sleep, groaning painfully.

'I-I hate you.' He cried out at his father. 'You are a monster who doesn't care about anyone other than yourself. You don't mind killing him if that what will make you keep your money and power. Just an immoral monster. You killed 'Kaa-san. You killed her and you will kill us too to satisfy your selfish ne-…'

A slap cut Kouji's words, its strength pushed Kouji's body to hit the wall as his father yelled, 'You don't understand!'

'THEN LET ME UNDERSTAND!' Kouji pushed himself to his feet and ran towards the older man. His feet made contact with his father's stomach, forcing the adult to clutch his stomach in pain and to stumble back. Kouji was so shocked by his own behavior to say another word. The staining red mark hurt even more when he recognized the hidden pain in his father's eyes when he mumbled in exhaustion. 'I want to help him but I have no other choice. He needs a therapy that I can't offer while he is here. He needs medical help, you idiot!'

The last part came as a growl. He clutched Kouji's jacket collar, urging him to look at his eyes directly. 'What the hell do you know? It is better to stay in your blessed ignorance. You would never UNDERSTAND!'

His father had never cursed and in normal cases that use of cusses would surprise Kouji but at that moment all what he had cared about was hurting the man in front of him. Kouji was ready to direct another punch at his father's face but the voice of Satomi's scream stopped him. She had run to her husband, releasing Kouji from his grip and crying pathetically, begging them to stop. And they did. Kousei gave his younger son another look before leaving. 'Just forget about him for now. That would be better for both of you.'

* * *

><p>Nakidashisou na kao de ureu hikui sora<p>

_~The low sky grieves with a face that's about to cry~_

His head was spinning painfully and a headache he rarely felt was smashing his skull like a hammer. Listening to the song on full blast, didn't help in distracting him or in clearing his mind. Resting his head upon his knees didn't manage to decrease the pain's intensity or the broken feeling that was consuming his very existence. He had been powerless, unable to even move when he saw Kouichi screaming. He had just let them hurt him…

He bit his lip as another faint scream escaped the vulnerable kid on the bed next to his. He raised the sound's volume.

Suru koto mo naku toki o kezuru

_~Without ever doing so, it shaves off a moment~_

Hakidasu ba no nai omoi o nomikonde

_~Swallowing the thoughts with no place to be vomited~_

How painful it must be, to be trapped in your nightmares unable to wake up. He didn't even try shaking him to wake up. Part of him felt afraid of facing the other again. He knew that their eyes had met before Kouichi had lost consciousnesses; that Kouichi had recognized his existence…and recognized his helplessness.

Nanimokamo ga kowaresou na fuan daite asu ni obie

_~Fearing a tomorrow where I embrace the anxiety that everything's about to shatter~_

Asatte bakka miteta tte kotae wa denai koto datte wakatteru

_~And looking only at the day after tomorrow won't bring me an answer-I know that~_

**_"_**_I will be here if you needed me.**"**_ Idiotic promise. Nothing could have been done even if he wanted to. How silly he felt suddenly. He had thought that the solution was in his hands; that if he cared everything will be perfect.

Few tears fell hopelessly. It was pointless, he reminded himself. He had been right when he told Kouichi at the very beginning that his father would throw him away once he knew where. The surrendering tears in his eyes continued falling pathetically. An inaudible gasp showed his shock once he noticed the black sketch book on the drawer between them. He reached for it, uncertain. The drawing of his favorite guitar nested in the first paper, skillfully, impressively and full of life. He bit his lip as sudden anger burned inside him. Without a second thought, he tore the drawn paper and threw the sketch book on the floor in disgust, despising himself and the unfair world he was living in.

Kagiriaru wazuka na toki no naka  
>Hetakuso na jibun egake<br>Ima wa mada sore de ii

_~Draw a crappy-looking sketch of yourself_  
><em>Within a limited, cramped amount of time<em>  
><em>Right now, I'm still fine with that~<em>

He pressed the headphones to his ears in order to shut the other's nightmarish moans then raised his head slightly to cast a sympathetic look at the other's struggling form. 'Why can't you simply…die?'

He felt sick for uttering those words but death would be much better than suffering in a life that no one wants him in.

_Nothing deserve fighting for. Is it too hard to give up?_ he thought; the hatred against himself increased.

'I-I…' He fought the humiliating tears and murmured. 'I hate you…Kouichi.' His heart preferred to stop at that moment. The twinge he felt earlier pained him even more but he ignored the pain, miserably.

It was sickening to blame the other for being powerless. It was his fault that he couldn't help Kouichi or fulfill the only promise he had given him and he knew that. But he also knew that if Kouichi had never appeared in his life, he would have continued his life so normally. Kouichi's existence just gave him a concert proof of how useless his life was. And he loathed that feeling and hated the poor child that had smiled at him softly that very afternoon wishing him good luck on his project and shyly asked him to send his greetings to Takuya-kun.

Kagirinaku hirogaru masshiro na ashita ni nani o egaku  
>Genjitsu ga someyuku makkura na ashita ni nani o egaku<br>Mogakikagayaku

_~What will I draw on the tomorrow that spreads infinitely, pure white?_  
><em>What will I draw on the tomorrow that reality stained pure black?<em>  
><em>I struggle and shine~<em>

He hugged his knees harshly. He didn't even send the other's greetings to Takuya…And he would never do so.

It was a crazy hope to wish having someone so close to him. Just a false dream that shattered in front of his very eyes. He closed his puffy eyes slowly, distancing himself from the world around him. The song's last few words lost meaning to him. No struggling anymore and certainly he wouldn't shine. Minamoto Kouji muttered to the darkness faintly, aiming his words to the one who had suddenly cut the darkness with a heart-breaking, unconscious"S-stop..."

'Just die…You are too good to live…too good for someone like me. I don't want you anymore, _Nii-san.._.'

The first and the last time he wanted to call the other with "Nii-san..."

**_To Be Continued_**

* * *

><p>Nii-san: Beloved elder brother<p>

Otou-san: Father

'Kaa-san: Mother

Onee-chan: Elder sister

Gomen nasai: Sorry

Sayonara: Farewell

Hai:Yes

Iie: No

Onegai:Please

Sensei:A suffix attached to teachers and doctors' names.

...

**AIKO** 愛子 f Japanese  
>From Japanese <em>愛<em>_ (ai)_ "love, affection" and _子__ (ko)_ "child".

**KOBAYASHI** Japanese Sir Name  
>Means "small forest" in Japanese.<p>

**HAMASAKI** Japanese Sir name  
>From <em>hama<em> meaning "beach, seashore" and _saki_ meaning "small peninsula, cape".

Reference: Behind the name website.

(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)

*Sniffs*...I feel like crying now. Aiko is the second sweet, fourteen-year old girl I kill in my stories. Waaaaaah. Anyway, guys, I hope you enjoyed the chapter( I wonder if I can call this enjoyment!) Regarding Kousei, we will see more about him the coming chapter along with the kinda full story*flashback* so, please, don't judge the poor man unfairly now.

The song in the end is Konpurikeishon ~Complication~ Durarara! anime 2nd opening. The translation is from Anime lyrics dot com. The song is quite noisy but its meanings seemed strangely suitable to Kouji's emotions. It is a good way to distract him, though.


	9. Wired Life

**Author Note  
><strong>

*Heaves a deep sigh* Well, not the first time to be terribly late at updating but certainly the first time for this particular story. I don't know if I am happy with this chapter or not but I am quite glad that I finished it. I had to cut it though otherwise it would end up really long and it was good to finish it there.

In a more specific note: I forgot to mention the holiday they are in now. It is the winter break from 24th of December till the 3rd of January. It is important because of the mentioning of Christmas here.

Ah and I really really appreciate the sweet reviews I got for the previous chapter. I wish all of you would enjoy this chapter.

* * *

><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

**Chapter Nine**

**Wired Life**

Parents are supposed to be their kids' guardians. Their mission is to show them what is right to follow and what is wrong to avoid. Parents should be models. They shouldn't lie to their children and then ask them to be honest. Parents are the link that connects the child's world with the outer world. Parents should protect their children and raise them to fulfill their hopes and build their independent future.

But...

Parents are humans too. They commit mistakes thinking that what they are doing is for their beloved kids' sake.

Parents like her weren't even sure if they should be included in the parents' list. She wasn't a mother. Not biologically at least. Minamoto Satomi was just a step-mom to a child who didn't accept her but she loved him dearly. And she treated him as if he had been her own child. In the past, as of few months ago, she was leading a normal life. She had a great relationship with her responsible, kind and hard working husband. Proud, she had always felt whenever he won a cause in the court or returned home, happy with his achievements. Her step-son had been tough but even she could feel that he had been changing. In her 26th birthday, seven months ago, he had brought her flowers with a sweet card in which his name was handwritten neatly with a scribbled Happy Birthday. He hadn't showed up for the small party Kousei had made for her then but she had been sure that on her next birthday Kouji would come to her. After he had met that cheerful Kanbara Takuya, he had started to open up to her and to his father. And she was truly happy due to the welcomed change.

Exactly a year ago, they were preparing a party for Christmas and as they weren't Christians, they preferred combining the new year celebration with the Christmas'. Nothing special, though. The Christmas tree, delicious food, presents and talking. Kouji had apologized back then, telling them that he would attend the party his classmates had made in school. She had felt slightly sad but her whole being was glad that he would finally celebrate with his friends instead of spending time in his closed room.

What made her heart fly with joy was when he had come back two hours later and joined them. Funnily, they had been unconsciously waiting for him.

Her life had been acceptable, bearable despite all the hardships she had to face as a stepmother. Kousei had made it far easier for her and Kouji had been obviously trying.

On those old days, she felt like a true parent. She had been able to feel the rightful power of a parent in her home. She had been able to scold Kousei for missing a dinner or coming late and he would continue apologizing and promising not to do that again. And he would always keep his promises. It had been possible to lecture Kouji (far kinder than scolding her husband though) after he had accidently hurt himself in a kendo match. He would accept her medical help in tending his wounds and would murmur a shy thank you.

It had been her house. Her life. And most importantly her family.

Now, it hurt to stay watching the storm as it hit her less than perfect life. Everything fell apart like the castle of sand, she used to make when she was a young girl. The castle that she had been her princess in her childish dreams. The dream that the evil step-mom would destroy just like the witch step-mom in stories. Ironically, she ended up being a step-mom herself. And a good one as far as she hoped. The second irony was that the one who destroyed the beautiful dream of her living in a castle wasn't a step mom but a step son. And not the step-son she watched as he grow up slowly.

The stepson that she wasn't supposed to know about his existence. His appearance led hell to break loose in her neat life. Lies revealed their fangs. Kousei's lies. Her beloved husband's lies. When she knew the partial story of that boy, the first thing she felt was betrayal. Kousei had betrayed her when he hid the truth. Part of her had always slightly envied him for being a true father even if by being a biological one. A parent shouldn't hide lies from his own sons let alone his wife. But she had kept her emotions under control. Accepting his sincere apologize and oaths to keep their life as it was and to make it better for all of them including that boy: Kouichi.

All her anger had vanished the moment she met the poor kid who had been brought to a life, he didn't choose. She had felt sorry for him. Pity was prominent in her way in treating him. However, that pity kept fighting with blame for domination in her heart in order to control her behaviors towards him. How couldn't she blame the boy that made her family fall apart? In the past, her husband and Kouji were having a normal relationship as far as it goes between a father and a son. Sometimes, it could be formal and cold but both had cared about each other and both of them would never miss a chance to keep the relationship as steady as they could . But now, they weren't communicating at all and after what happened three days ago when Kousei had brought the doctor whom she forgot his name, Kouji had left his room and started sleeping in the guests' room. Kousei had came home few times to take some documents for his cases. They hadn't even talked properly since then. The last time she talked to him was his short and flat questions when he came back from Tokyo. She had been happy when he came along with a doctor guessing that this doctor's mission was to take care of Kouichi who had improved greatly. So she went on describing how better his condition was and that he no longer need sleeping pills. She had avoided telling him about what Kouji had done. She had intended to tell him later to surprise him. No wonder he would be happy to know that his son care about his brother.

The black hole kept sucking her former peaceful life. The carpet of being a parent had been pulled roughly from under her feet. She could no longer scold Kousei as he kept avoiding telling her what he wanted to do. She had heard the abrupt explanation he recited to Kouji when they fought, though. She had been terrified then. Kousei, her kind husband, had raised his hand to hit his son! And her sweet despite everything Kouji didn't hesitate to attack his father.

They would have the Christmas party tomorrow. The least she could do was having her family on the same dinner table, along with that kid too.

That kid had a name, she knew but sometimes she felt awful for being the only one that had to stay in contact with him no matter what the situation was. It had been always her duty. Kousei had shortly asked her to give him the new sedatives regularly. She protested and prepared herself to start a fight but Kousei had left without discussing what he had in his mind.

The only reason, she continued what he had asked her to do was because she trusted him. Trust was her last defense. What could she do if she lost faith in her own husband? She had to wait and see. Everything would be fine if she waited a little longer. She could do nothing to escape the boiling turmoil except waiting and praying that Kousei would open his heart and tell her the truth. Because there _must_ be a reason behind what he was doing. She had to trust him more than anyone. The trust, she accepted his proposal for marriage four years ago on, started shattering in front of her very eyes and she could only wait. However, waiting would lead her to explosion. She had to talk to him, she promised herself.

The annoying sound of the metal spoon making contact with the soup bowl edge startled her thoughts. She raised her head as if waking up from a dream. She had been spacing out while sitting on a chair beside the bo-, Kouichi's bed.

That boy was obviously weird. He was sitting in his bed, eating so quietly. His gaze was stubbornly fixed on the blanket. His facial expressions weren't readable at all. If she hadn't been sure that Kouji was in his kendo practice, she would think that they switched places. Another examining look told her that she was wrong. He didn't look like Kouji. Kouji's eyes had never looked so lifeless... hopeless. They might have been cold but not desperate.

Suddenly, he put the spoon carefully in the bowl and declared calmly, hoarseness was still visible though. 'I am done.'

She blinked in puzzlement. 'You sure, Kouichi-kun?'

He nodded.

Her heart clenched at the sight of the broken boy who had abandoned even his fears. When they brought him, he had been scared of them then he started getting used to their existence; hers at least. When she had helped to feed him in the past, he would shyly refuse eating at all in the beginning but now he had accepted the bowl silently and started eating with a barely audible "Itadakimas" Once, he had thanked her for the meal, which contained soups mostly, and told her that her cooking looked like his grandma's. Then he had remained silent hidden clear tears in his eye, thinking of his mother and grandmother. Now he didn't thank her or show anything other than nodding.

'Kouichi-kun?'she called him hesitantly. It was wrong to observe the kid die slowly in front of her eyes. He had stopped protesting the next day after the big fight between Kouji and his father. She no longer saw him screaming in his nightmares or asking for his mother. The portrait hadn't been touched since then. And he had surrendered completely to the sedative.

Kouichi didn't even look at her.

'Do you want something else?' It felt sad. He didn't have anything to clutch to and they were his final hope but they had abandoned him. His father had abandoned him and Kouji who seemed as if he started to care had left him too easily too. And she was there because it was her duty as his adopter like Kousei. The only reason she entered this room was to give him food and...the sedative two hours after waking up.

_'Why am I here?'_

The question rang in her ears like the nearby church's bell during Christmas. Again and again the question begged her for an answer. Strangely, the boy's lips didn't even part to murmur the words. It had been her mind who kept torturing her with the boy's question.

_'Why am I here?'_

Why did they bring him? To save him from the inhuman life in the orphanage.

But they didn't. They couldn't do anything for him. They had forced him to live with them but they had done nothing to make it better for him and when he started recovering, they pushed him towards the hellish life again. He was her husband's son; just like Kouji but Kousei hadn't treated him as equal. Heck, even she couldn't treat him the same as Kouji.

Kouichi was their nightmare. Maybe it had been better if Kousei had found a better home for him. Why didn't Kousei allowed his co-worker to take him? Takasu–san and his wife didn't have children. Kouichi would be too happy with them. What did blood ties mean if they couldn't make up for what he had lost? He had asked her before to take him back to the orphanage and she had refused hotly because it wasn't right. After everything that happened, she debated the reason behind her refusal. At least, he had got used to that life and the new life they offered him was awfully full of lies.

She bit her lip in disgust at herself. She could never be a mother if she couldn't tend a child's pain. If she couldn't remove that lost look from his eyes, it would be better if Kousei take him to a hospital then. They would treat him better.

She stood and took the bowl from his lap, muttering as gently as she can and fighting the tears that burned her eyes from clouding her glasses. 'I will leave you alone now. If you want anything, you c-'

'I want to sleep.'

She gasped. The words were trembling, betraying the mask he was putting.

'You can't. You just woke up. After two hours, may-'

'P-please, Minamoto-san.' He hugged his knees to his chest and rested his head above them in slow, tired movement. Kouichi whispered in shaggy breaths. 'Please. It hurts. My head. Headache.'

He hugged himself tighter. Pain was obvious in his way of crawling around himself. Moaning weakly, he begged again. 'Please. I-I need it.'

Satomi felt dizzy. _No. No. No way. There was no way that Kouichi-kun had become addicted to the sedative_, she flinched physically at the thought.

He was asking her for it to stop the pain but that didn't mean he couldn't live without the drug, right? Yet, wasn't this why they were giving him the sedative in the first place? She shook her head to clarify her vision. Tears streamed down her cheeks in horror. She had always wished to be a mother but she couldn't. Not after observing what was happening and staying silent.

'I need it!' He pleaded again in a screaming tone. Her heart nearly stopped. The boy in front of her was totally different from the boy she knew for two months and half. Kouichi had dreaded sleep because it brought nightmares and now he was asking desperately for it. Could his nightmares be less harsh than his reality?

She took few steps back and nodded softly. 'If you are sure...'

Once he heard her, he released his knees from the awkward embrace and sat normally as before and gave her a small nod. There weren't tears in his eyes, unlike what she expected after that screaming plead.

She closed her eyes tightly, banishing the tears stubbornly and headed towards the door, murmuring gently. 'I will bring the needle.'

Satomi didn't even hear a "thank you" nor was she expecting one.

* * *

><p>'Kouji, wait!'<p>

The high-pitched cry attracted annoying looks from the people in the dojo's corridor but she ignored them.

'Just talk to me!' She repeated in a lower tone but with the same worry and deep concern underneath the empty request.

The girl continued running after the addressed boy, her golden hair dancing in the light wind once both of them reached the small garden in front of the dojo. The raven-haired boy stopped running but didn't turn to look at her pleading green eyes.

'Leave me alone, Orimoto! What were you thinking by coming here anyway?'

Orimoto Izumi groaned in irritation at his formal way in calling her. Crossing her arms, she shot his back a deadly look and scolded. 'If you gave me any other chance to talk to you, I wouldn't have tracked you here. So stop running away!'

'Just go away. It is none of your business.' He spitted his words angrily.

'I won't go because you are my friend just like you are Takuya's.' She sounded hurt but he didn't seem to notice. There was a long silence between them. She resumed breathlessly. 'What the hell happened between you and Takuya?'

She couldn't bear seeing him and Takuya apart as they were now. They were always fighting but this time they weren't even talking. Why couldn't they allow her to understand what happened between them? Maybe because she was a girl. Maybe because she might not… understand? She silently laughed at the thought. She had been their friend for more than two years. If being a girl was problem, they wouldn't have kept their friendship this long.

'I don't want to talk about it, Izumi.'

'And why not, Kouji?'

He didn't call her Orimoto or Izumi without even the following suffix before in a public place. Kouji had always been careful in dealing with her in front of people in order not to cause her problems however this behavior contradicted with his normal strategy. Shouting at her and asking her to leave seemed like asking some unwanted person to get out of his life as if she was clutching to him or crazily in love with him like his fan girls. Her nervousness and worry prevented her from even thinking about her words. Calling a popular guy like Minamoto Kouji with his first name wasn't accepted. It would give the jealous eyes(some of his fan club were constant visitors there) reasons for more envy and hatred. Yet, she couldn't help but release her frustration and disability to understand what was going around her. Couldn't Kouji understand how the situation was hurting her? How could he keep fueling her anger by his passive responses? Seriously, since when did he turn into such a jerk?

Kouji did not reply to her pained words. He gazed at his feet and shot a group of gossiping girls a deadly look, forcing them to stop talking and to walk away.

'Stay out of this, Izumi.' He mumbled coldly and marched towards the gate.

She shouted after him in pure rage. 'Fine, Kouji. Do whatever you want! But I need the book you borrowed from me!'

It wasn't clever to say what she said but she did anyway, expecting him to look at her and smirk or to say something in his smug way. But he didn't even stop to show that he had heard her. The only thing that she earned was the girls' annoying giggles as if she was rejected. Unfortunately, they were from their school.

Great. A chance for new rumors as if she didn't have enough to deal with. Part of her couldn't blame them for their rumors. After all, she, the foreign girl, managed to befriend two of the most famous boys in school. In those gossipers' words, she stole the hearts of two potential boyfriends for them.

She hadn't thought romantically about them or maybe she didn't want to destroy their friendship. They had trusted her with everything even with secrets that weren't supposed to be told like Kouji's newly found twin. After what Takuya had told her about Kouichi, she felt like talking to him. It wasn't possible though. According to Kouji, Kouichi, was ill and unable to leave the Minamoto household and she wasn't able to go there. Kouji's parents didn't know that she and Takuya knew about his twin so to avoid causing unnecessary additional troubles, she waited Kouji to fulfill his promise by bringing Kouichi to the public park once he was better. After New year and Christmas' celebrations of course.

There was a dramatic change between Kouji and Takuya the last time she talked to them. Takuya tried to seem busy and apologized for not meeting her in the soccer playground while Kouji acted colder than usual. The strange thing was their angry and bitter reactions when she mentioned the other. Neither of them admitted that they fought but she could easily figure this out from their tones even through the phone. The strange coldness between the two friends startled her, ringing alarm bells.

She had tried talking to Takuya and failed epically. The brunette didn't have soccer practice because of the New Year's celebrations. She had to talk to him, though. She sighed in irritation, _That means going to his house_. She didn't really mind going there but it was embarrassing. She couldn't look at either boy directly for a week after Kouji's step-mom had good naturally asked her which one she was dating when they met in one of the teacher- parents' meetings. Fortunately, her parents were too busy to attend that event.

They were friends and if both boys were too stubborn, she had to be the only hope of gluing them together. After all, she had swore that she would keep their small group as connected as possible.

* * *

><p>Kouji had used to like snow but at the moment he hated it. It reminded him of pureness and innocence. Of promises and happiness.<p>

But he had ignored all of these so how could he love a stinging reminder. He was determined to move on and leave the past behind him. The past was painful. The past was worthless. The past was inevitable . And he couldn't change it even if the past was something that happened few minutes ago. It had been a past. A past he'd better ignore and abandon.

The streets were celebrating the nearby New Year. Christmas joys had passed by him without him caring to notice. He had been crawled under his blanket for the past three days anyway. He tried to keep his mind as blank as snow under his feet. That attempt failed quickly as his mind kept wandering, reminding him of his meeting with Takuya two days ago.

_Takuya had insisted to see him so to show him that nothing was wrong, he had gone to the park. As expected, the brunette came with another stupid thought of his, inviting him to have a sleepover at his place and begged him to bring Kouichi with him to strengthen their "bond"._

_Kouji couldn't help but explode then. The lone wolf ended up telling Takuya what had happened.  
><em>

_'Wh-What do you mean?' Takuya stammered, horror and confusion were written all over his face._

_'You heard me, Takuya. He will take him to a hospital for substance abuse.' Sadistic thought had run in his mind then. It didn't seem too bad to repeat the story over and over as if to show his father's cruelty or maybe to show Takuya that he had nothing to do with what happened. To defend himself against the accusations, he was sure to come._

_'Why?' Takuya gritted his teeth bitterly._

_Kouji shrugged carelessly. 'His existence causes trouble so he is gonna remove it.'_

_Takuya took shaky deep breaths, marching between the nearby trees. His fist hit the one on front of him, causing the snow above the tree to fell on the ground with a loud thud._

_'It is unfair!' He shouted, attracting strange looks from the couple that was passing by them._

_'Well, there is nothing we can do.' His voice had been indifferent. There was no point in shouting and wishing to change what had happened. He had been too occupied by what happened in the previous week to even care about the coming Christmas. It was strange that he didn't think about it at all during the small conversations he had with Kouichi. Even when Takuya was at his home to finish the school project, they didn't talk about the celebrations as a prominent talk as they usually do. Izumi had asked them to have a small party at one of their houses on Christmas night and not on New years Eve as Kouji had intended. He wasn't a Christmas boy anyways so it didn't make any difference._

_'He is his son!'_

_If it wouldn't be strange and freaking to laugh, Kouji would have laughed at Takuya's angry shouting._

_His son? Lately Kouji had started to doubt that Kouichi was his father's son as well. If they hadn't been twins, there was no way he would believe.  
><em>

_'It doesn't matter.' He answered Takuya carelessly and stood from the bench. Facing his raged friend, he smirked darkly. 'Everything will return normal once more. He would disappear and I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. Just forget about him, Tak-'_

_Takuya's clenched fist made contact with his cheek, knocking him to the snowy ground. Kouji stared wide-eyed at his friend's burning eyes._

_'How dare-?' the sentence didn't manage to be completely formed. Takuya gripped his coat's collar and pushed him to the tree behind him, hitting his head with it furiously. Takuya cried out angrily. 'How could you lie to yourself like this? You know very well that nothing would be normal again. You should stop your father! You should save Kouichi! He is your brother. You are the only one who can protect him. How could you think of him so lightly?'_

_'And what the hell do you want me to do?' Kouji screamed and pushed Takuya away.  
><em>

_'You promised him so keep that promise!'_

_'Why should I? There is nothing I can do to help him! You can easily talk and advice but you can't do anything.' There were stubborn tears in his eyes. _

_'You have to help him…' As if Kouji's desperation reached Takuya's emotions, his voice became low and defeated. He whispered seconds later, 'I can't imagine my parents doing something like this to Shinya…'_

_'They won't because they love him.' Kouji's answer didn't made sense even to him. Did that mean that parents could hate their children? Obviously, yeah. He had heard in the news about that mother that killed her three year-old daughter. Parents could hate their kids then. Was that why his father had abandoned his brother in the past? Because he hated him?_

_'I thought we can all have a Christmas party. I was wondering after you left if we can tell your father that we knew and ask him to allow us to take Kouichi out or to have a small party.'_

_Kouji acted as if he didn't heard Takuya's whispered words. He gazed at the snow muttered, eyes watering despite his efforts. 'I-I tried. There is nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do. Just forget about him, Takuya. Otou-san had asked me to forget him and I don't really mind. It will take a while but I will forget him sooner or later especially if he disappeared. '_

_'You are wrong. You wouldn't be able to forget him. I can't forget him and I saw him few times. You were practically living with him for more than two months.'_

_'Why? Why do you care about him?' Anger wasn't expected even from him but he was angry. Angry that his friend was feeling sorry for his brother more than him. Jealous that he couldn't feel Takuya's outrage. Envious that he didn't have Takuya's courage to challenge his own weak emotions and to keep his promises._

_'What?' Takuya gaped, surprised at the question. He then scratched his head, searching for an answer that could satisfy Kouji's unexplained rage. 'Because he is a good person. He doesn't deserve what is happening to him. He cares too much about you and was the only one aside from me who managed to break your shell. He is such an interesting person.'_

_Kouji thought for a moments about Takuya's answer before standing and addressing the brunette coldly. 'I don't need him to care about me. It would be better if he disappeared.'_

_'Coward! Keep running away. This is the only thing you can do.'_

_'True.' Kouji admitted with a small, sad smile. 'I am just an escapist and I will continue running away. Running away is moving or for me.'_

_'Kouji…' Takuya came closer. Before his hand could touch the other's shoulder, Kouji yanked it angrily. __'Stay away from me, Takuya. '_

_'What does that suppose to mean?' Kouji couldn't mean what he said, right? They are friends._

_Kouji buried his hands in his overcoat's pockets and walked away slowly. He stopped when Takuya called him worriedly. 'It is fine by me if we stopped being friends. I don't really care.'_

_'KOUJI!'_

_He hadn't answered Takuya's shout nor did he discussed what he had done with himself. Losing a brother didn't matter too much to him so losing a friend would be far easier even if he was linked with that friend much more than his brother. Takuya had done nothing to deserve what he had told him yet he didn't think about taking his words __back. __ Izumi had annoyingly tried to talk to him but he had dismissed her words. She wouldn't understand as he himself couldn't understand his behaviors any longer._

Why couldn't they leave him alone? It had been much better when he was alone and friendless. The pain of staying away from those whom he once loved would have disappeared.

* * *

><p>Doors are secrets' keys. Opening one represents revealing a secret or that what he had heard once. However, the moment he intended to open his bedroom door, he hadn't though of the simple symbolism it held. Before he could collect his courage to open it, it responded to his call and opened on its own, revealing someone he didn't expect. Satomi gasped in pure shock. Her eyes locked with her step-son's for less than ten seconds but were enough to enable him to recognize the tears on her eyes' edge.<p>

'You are back.' She didn't know what else to say. After three days of not stepping into his room, it was a surprise to see him willing to enter but that didn't make her feel the slightest happiness. Kouji's cold stare didn't point at what he was going to do.

Kouji bit his lip anxiously, preventing himself from saying something rude. It was his room after all and it wasn't nice to seem surprised to see him there. He walked slowly and passed by her without uttering a word. In the back of his mind, he enjoyed the torn expression she showed. Of course, she wasn't happy to leave him alone especially when his gaze fixed on the crawling boy. His biting grow harsher and he felt sure that his lower lip was going to bled from the pressure but it was the only thing he can do to relieve the tension in his muscles.

As if nothing had happened, Kouichi was sitting calmly on his bed, eyes cast down. Kouji had expected or rather waited a visible flinch from the other upon seeing him or a relieved gaze. There was no reaction as if the other hadn't recognized his presence or rather didn't care about it and that made him feel angry. Getting ignored by someone like _that_ was humiliating. Who the hell did that boy think himself to act as if he wasn't there…?

Satomi looked between them worriedly before making up her mind and leaving the room. The door remained open as a signal that she was coming back. Kouji sighed mentally and participated in the mechanical atmosphere in the room. Nothing moved. No sound occurred. It was as silent as a grave. Breaking the spell, he walked stiffly towards his desk table, hands in his pants' pockets. There was no way he would allow himself to seem concerned of what was going around him. He had a stupid mission to do and he was going to take Izumi's book with him and leave.

Few minutes passed and his job was failing miserably. It was strange how when you were trying not to look at someone while doing something your eyes keep betraying you and sneak glances whenever they had a chance. He didn't know why but he didn't like that. He didn't like staying any longer in his own room. It felt colder and darker than he used to know. True that it had been always silent and emotionless but not to the extent of stifling him to death.

Was he scared of facing him, of looking at his eyes? Why was he avoiding him as if he had done something terribly wrong? Was he punishing himself or Kouichi? And why? He had repeatedly said that everything would return to normal; that there was nothing to care about or to feel guilty for but here he was wishing unconsciously to disappear. It hadn't been his fault that his father was an idiot who thought of nothing more than money and power. Funnily, his father wasn't that rich. They were living in normal circumstances. Much better than normal but they were that rich and his father's position didn't give him that share of power. They were normal. Totally normal so why would his father ruin everything to keep that normality level as it was. Was being a lawyer and enjoying people's trust more important that his family's fate…?

The approaching hurried steps saved him from his thoughts. They were killing him slowly after all. Satomi's tired and worried face meant nothing to him.

* * *

><p>'Are you sure you want it now, dear?' She felt uncertain of what she was going to do. It was dangerous to reach such a level but Kouichi asked for it and she didn't want to argue with him. Not in front of Kouji. She felt slightly amused at the situation. The last time she tried to give Kouichi painkillers, Kouji ended up shouting at her and "rescuing" his brother. Now she was doing the same thing but Kouichi had no problem with that so she reasonably expected Kouji not to care.<p>

Kouichi gave a small, assuring nod. His left hand started rolling the pajama sleeve up his other arm. He worked slowly, silently while she prepared the injection bottle. In her hurry to come back quickly to the room, she forgot bringing the medical cotton to tend the place she wanted to inject. Hurriedly, she murmured that she would be back quickly. Kouichi merely nodded.

Kouji watched their interaction with hardly masked indifference. It was wrong. It was not fair. Kouichi was completely giving up. There wasn't any glimpse of him refusing the sedative. It seemed as if he was the one who wanted it desperately. He didn't want to watch anymore. He couldn't. It was shocking that he had wished that Kouichi would give up resiting because fighting was pointless. Didn't he wish that three days ago? Hot anger started growing inside him and he didn't even know its source. Was it the sight of his brother giving up what he had fought so long to keep or was it his anger of himself because he couldn't do anything to stop the other's misery? He didn't know but he was sure that the only feeling he was feeling was anger.

What was the point in arguing with his father for his sake if he had so quickly gave up? He felt like being an idiot when he prevented Satomi from coming near him with the damn sleeping pills. An idiot for allowing Takuya to come over to help and an even bigger idiot for slowly destroying his friendship with Takuya because of him. It was Kouichi's appearance that caused his relationship with Takuya to crack. If the two hadn't met, Takuya wouldn't be blaming him nor would they reach that level of ignoring each other.

It had been a lost cause from the very beginning. He shouldn't have cared. He shouldn't have thought of caring because it had been meaningless. Kouichi was surrendering so easily in front of him. He didn't deserve a look of pity or a tear of his if he simply let the pain go and accepted his father's orders.

For a moment, he ignored how selfish his thoughts seemed or rather didn't even notice their selfishness.

'It is over then.'

The words escaped before he ordered them to. The effect of the sarcastic, harsh tone he used wasn't immediate.

'Why didn't you do it before?' a threatening hiss managed to make Kouichi look up at him with blank eyes.

'It was hopeless from the very beginning so why had you kept fighting? It changed nothing. It meant nothing.' Kouji shouted hotly, rage exploding from him like a volcano's lava.

Funnily, Kouji knew very well that Kouichi had kept trying to adapt and survive under their roof. He had never been fighting or challenging the orders but he had always kept hoping in different ways. He had been trying to hold on as much as he can. He didn't want to collapse after every small incident…He wanted to live.

'Hope makes things worse, you know. You should have given up from the first day.' There was a pause before a sadistic smirk curled his lips. 'I am sure you were used to giving up so easily in that orphanage.

Kouichi's eyes widened and reacted for the first time. That made Kouji smirk grow more satisfied. 'You wait nothing now but in the past you wished for something. A family and a life. That was so silly of you.'

Kouichi had ruined his life when he wished for a better one. Kouji couldn't deny that he was ready to help, to do anything to make that better life his brother wanted true. But it was nothing but a tasteless jock. Why did he wish for a better one if he was accepting what was happening to him now? Why did he make him try to do something if it was already a lost case?

'You know, you are an idiot to believe that you can live like us. I wonder if you didn't learn from what happened to you all these years. Give up now just like how you used to do. Give up because you have nothing better to do. Why hadn't you get over with it before…?'

Kouji went on and on, saying what he hadn't even though about. He had never heard of anything about the miserable life Kouichi had in the orphanage and he absolutely had no right to talk to him like that but he couldn't stop no matter how much his heart shouted at him to. He couldn't kill the feeling of sick joy inside him. Kouichi deserved to be hurt because he turned his life into hell. He deserved to be thrown away because Kouji's life would never be the same as he wished.

'Stop…'

Kouichi's voice was cracked and lost. It was barely audible with a hesitant begging tone.

The plead made him happier than before. His words were hurting and that felt… good.

'And why should I? You can't do anything but wishing or surrendering. That is how you grow up. As a doll. To wish to be something who deserves to live and end up broken then to get mend again by another one to continue wishing.'

'Stop!' Another plead but it was louder this time.

'Stop me if you can, doll.'

'S-stop!'

'I am saying the truth. You are a doll and now when we return you to the store. Another one would come to play with you and break you aga-'

Kouji couldn't finish his words as a thick book flow by his left ear; a small paper fell from it during the short trip. The book crashed and hit the desk table behind him, causing the mp3 device to fell and break down. His eyes widened in shock and they wandered slowly towards the source. Kouichi was panting, pain was burning in his tearful eyes. 'Shut up! Shut up!' His cries were getting louder till they turned into a continuous scream of shut up.

'You…you know nothing. Nothing at all…You are right I am a doll…And-and that is because of those who are like you.'

Kouji was struggling to get the other's words. They were muffled by his sobs. Tears ran freely down his cheeks. The blankness he held turned into pained misery.

Kouichi raised his head slowly and looked at the other's surprised eyes. 'I- I believed you…'

He paused to get his words clear again but the sobs continued muffling them. He chocked out like a child after being left by his parents during a nightmare. 'You said you will be by my side…you said you have no reason to hate me. You took-took care of me when I was scared then. It…it wasn't a..a dream. I believed you would be there for me…You promised. …you promised.

'Why…? Why did you lie to me? I didn't wish for anything. You were there…so I thought, I can be something…more than a doll.' Blame was obvious in his voice. Loss was invading his tears till he gave up keeping the eye contact with Kouji.

Kouichi had embraced himself and kept crying. 'I-I don't want to…live anymore…You all would be happy then…I want to be with Mama. She would t-take care of me there. She loves me. She will always do.'

Kouji was speechless. All insults and words left him alone. He was staring disbelieving at Kouichi's curled form. His face was pale out of shock. It couldn't be real. What he had heard. What happened seemed like a bizarre nightmare. He stood motionless. He couldn't even recognize Satomi as she ran towards Kouichi's bed and tried to comfort him. He didn't even feel anything when Kouichi pushed her away, screaming that he didn't want her…that they were lairs…that he wanted to die…

'Get our of here, Kouji!' She shouted at him. 'Now. Go out! I-I thought you needed time but you need nothing but yourself. Out! Now!'

He obeyed absentmindedly. She was right. He needed no one but himself.

* * *

><p>The door closed behind him. Kouichi's screams were heartbreaking but he was too lost to listen. Kouichi's reaction seemed like a delayed reaction. Pity how he couldn't even allow him to keep his emotions inside.<p>

Thinking about his claims to the other, he couldn't even justify them to himself. They seemed broken and unlinked as if they were fragments a hysterical fever forced him to utter. There was no point in uttering them. Was he trying to force Kouichi t opay the price of the faint care he gave him. He had been punishing him because he made him able to feel…?

But Kouichi had been his chance to take off the cold masks he wear. He had been his hope to be himself…and Kouichi had succeeded. If he had blushed just for Takuya reminding him of the sketch book he bought for Kouichi and shouted hotly that he didn't bring it as a present. He had been himself then. He had been himself when he helped Kouichi and slept by his side, sharing the body heat. He had been himself when he fought with his father to stop the tragedy that was taking place…

The torn words Kouichi had defended himself with few minutes ago burned in his skull, ganging with his heart against his mind for allowing him to say the cruel things he said. It had been his fault. He had given him hope even if he didn't mean it directly. He had helped him to resist being alone. Ironically, he came back to punish him because he,Kouji, had been nice to him as if it was a taboo to show his true feelings to anyone.

He had been an idiot to try to make him pay the price. He was in his debt… but he could never pay him back. He made his life more unbearable…He led him to the point of preferring to…die.

'He hates me…' he mumbled to himself sorrowfully once the screams had died inside his room. A thought hit him suddenly when he thought about what he had said.

Kouichi accused him of lying but he didn't say he hated him. He shouted at Satomi and told her that they were lairs and that he didn't need them but he didn't say that he hated them…

He didn't even say a word about their father…

_"I can't hate you. You took care of me…" _

Kouji clenched his fist and hit the wall beside him. He had never thought about those words after that night. Didn't even think that Kouichi meant them. But now he felt so small and so trivial for being heartless. Maybe he should have let him go away. Maybe Kouichi was giving up so no one else could be hurt. What would be Kouji's situation if Kouichi had come to him and asked him for help? He didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to feel more guilt.

At that moment, he wished that his father would take Kouichi away quickly. That he would wake up the next morning to see his room empty.

With a single, cold bed. And without any hope for a companion's return.

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

><p>Welcome back to an idiot Kouji *sigh* Seriously, I wanna hit him. Kouichi didn't have his space her but no worries he and Kousei are going to have their chance soon.<p>

Please tell me what you think guys. That would help a lot...in many ways :)


	10. What Lies Beneath

**Author Note**

Konichiwa guys! Finally, this story got an update. It has been so long since it was updated but I couldn't update faster. Gomen nasai Minna-san and thanks to everyone who is still reading and replying.

On a separate note, this chapter is for daddy Kousei. He deserved an explanation chapter after all this mess. This chapter(not separated into parts. Sorry !) contains a flashback in italics and many paragraphs after that are related to the past but I didn't italicize them. The twins didn't appear here except in the flashback. Notice that I am trying to be objective here and it is up to you to judge. As I have no experience or special knowledge of adoption, law or/and orphanages all the ideas here are for the story's sake . Technical information about Kouisei's ideas are fictional.

I wish you enjoy =^.^=

* * *

><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

****Chapter Ten  
><strong>**

**What Lies Beneath**

Lies are life-illusions. Humans need them to survive, to move on and to forget. Minamoto Kousei had to lie to save what was left from his familial life. He couldn't sacrifice his present for a dead past or at least it was dead till his lost elder son came back to life. Literally.

Sipping his coffee slowly, he couldn't help but note how different it was from Tomoko's coffee. Maybe because he made it himself. He couldn't ask Satomi especially when he was avoiding any possibility of talking to her. Nevertheless, even Satomi's delicious coffee would never taste like Tomoko's. It was Tomoko's emotions back then that made his coffee wonderfully tasty. As a lawyer, he needed all the concentration in the world while working and Tomoko was always there to make everything lovely and cozy. He closed his eyes, leaned on the chair's back and lost himself inside his memories, imagining the present heavy black coffee as Tomoko's.

_The coffee's tingling warmth was all what he needed to work especially when he had to focus on the complicated case between his hands. __He had returned from his journey to the kitchen after pouring another cup of coffee. Once he put the cup aside, he noticed the non-existence of the pile of papers he just brought from the work's office that morning._

_He was so sure that he had left them on the living room's table. Tomoko was cleaning the office room, which disabled him from working quietly there. The laughing sounds from the playing room attracted him as a rather disturbing idea struck him. Tomoko entered the living room a minute later, sighing tiredly. 'Seriously, Kousei, why couldn't you be more organized while working?' She cut her scolding and crossed her arms against her chest, eyeing the messy table. 'Should I clean this too?'_

_He laughed a bit awkwardly as if apologizing and she sighed hopelessly. 'I hope Kouji and Kouichi won't grow up as messy as you.'_

_He was about to defend his pride but he retreated and asked pretty seriously, 'I can't find the rest of the case's file. Did you see them while cleaning?'_

_She shook her head. 'I thought you had taken what you needed before leaving the home office.' Putting the cleanings materials aside, she looked at the table in concentration._

_'No.' She mumbled slowly before exchanging a meaningful glance with her husband. Once the idea reached both of them, they ran to the playing room._

_And as they expected. The lawyer's precious papers were thrown in the middle of the room. The younger twin was chasing a flying one happily while the other was leaning above one with his crayons all around him._

_Tomoko palmed her face and side glanced at Kousei in concern even if her words were superficially blaming. 'You shouldn't have left important papers above the living room's low table.'_

_He didn't react to her words, increasing her worried tone. 'Are they this important? I am sure the boys didn't ruin them that much.'_

_The voice of a paper's tearing proved her wrong. Kouji seemed upset because the flying paper fell to the ground instead of flying like a plane so he punished it…by tearing it. _

_Kouichi was the one who recognized his parents' presence. He rose from his place, stumbled a bit before leaning over and grasping the drown paper._

_'Papa, Look!' His voice was small and too thrilled with himself. The smile was like a melody that would scatter easily despite how eternally it seemed. He walked with tiny steps towards his silent father and showed him the colorful drawing above the neat typed words. Tomoko knelt so she could capture her son's eyes and scowled. 'That wasn't something good, Kouichi-chan. Don't take your father's papers again.' Her scolding stopped to shift to the younger twin who was jumping above the papers on the carpet. 'And stop jumping, Kouji! You will ruin them.'_

_Apparently the younger twin was too happy in balancing himself inside the papers' borders to care about his mother's scolding. _

_'Papa!' Kouichi tried again to grasp his father's attention. Receiving no apparent recognition, he looked at the floor sadly. The shining cute smile shattered like a fallen puzzle. However it was miraculously saved once his father decided to speak. _

_'Let me see, Kouichi.' His father's voice was inviting and the cloud above his features had vanished. He picked Kouichi up and took him outside the room. Kouji, unable to see his brother being taken away from him, abandoned his interesting game and followed them to see his father carrying Kouichi in his lap and sitting on the couch. Tomoko followed them and sighed contently at the scene. 'You have another copy of them, don't you?'_

_He raised an eyebrow and ginned. 'Sure I have.'_

_'You scared me there. I thought…'_

_'You thought I would be mad at them?'_

_She shifted uncomfortably and nodded hesitantly. 'They are important to you. I mean your work is always important to you.'_

_He ignored her comment and rocked Kouichi who appeared to be enjoying himself in his father's lap. 'He draws quite well. If he is able to hold crayons now, I am sure he will be a great artist one day.' He paused then laughed at Kouji's pouting face. 'Come here, Kouji. I know you want to cuddle to him.'_

_Kouji grinned and ran to his father. Usually, the elder twin would stumble in taking few steps unlike the more energetic Kouji but that had never made him less important or beloved to him. He lifted Kouji in his arms. They were too small so it was so easy for them to snuggle between their father's arms comfortably. Tomoko joined them few minutes later then gave a small frown. 'I should be jealous of you now. I am playing with them all day but once you are here, they forget me.' She crossed her arms playfully before pouting even more when Kousei laughed. 'Come on. I am their dear papa who bring all these toys to them. Surely they will love me.' _

_'Can't deny that, can I?' she smiled affectionately and nuzzled Kouichi's cheeks who started to fall asleep. Kousei sighed and pretended to look annoyed. 'So I am supposed to keep them like this.' _

_'As long as they truly fall asleep if you want to work quietly.' Tomoko grinned in amusement._

_He didn't mind carrying them all day if they wanted to. His work could wait. _

If he knew how much he would miss those tender moments, he would have treasured them even more. Love was there in the small family but it didn't survive long. It started with trivial fights that escalated towards divorce. He was selfish so was Tomoko. Both were young and stubborn. They decided that they couldn't continue together. Ironically, he couldn't really remember what destroyed their happiness. Their children would suffer much more in a broken family under the same roof so he agreed with Tomoko to leave each other. The decision of separating the twins was the court's final words. He had to choose which one to keep and it had been the hardest decision of his life.

A father shouldn't love one of his sons more than the other because it was unfair but he couldn't help it. He had loved Kouichi more than the younger twin. Kouichi was the one who managed to tell him without words that he was his father. Kouji was stubborn and dependent even at a young age. Kouichi would smile at anything and would easily accept bring carried or fed unlike Kouji who was known by his ability to bite whoever try to come near him or his twin aside from his parents. Kouichi was fragile and independent which gives him the feeling of responsibility and that he was needed in their life. However Kouji had given him the feeling that he could easily grow up without him because he was strong.

Strange how different their personalities were even in such a young age.

Because he loved Kouichi, he kept him with Tomoko. Kouichi needed someone who would love him and take care of him more than Kouji who didn't seem to have trouble with staying alone without crying for a mother. His life had continued roughly but he was a hard worker who built a place for himself in the changing community. But he didn't forget his son and ex-wife. He couldn't. Looking at Kouji had always reminded him with Kouichi's sweeter nature. He made sure to offer them what they needed indirectly. After few months of the divorce, he asked a friend who was working in Shibuya and living in Shinjuku to take money to his wife and son. He kept sending money, glad that Tomoko was accepting it. He knew that she wouldn't find a job easily so the money would help her and Kouichi. No matter how he had tried to shake his confused feelings, he couldn't. It was strange that Tomoko was accepting the money so easily. After two years, he knew why. His friend hadn't delivered a single yen to Tomoko and his son. He had discovered that when that friend had suddenly decided to leave Japan.

He had returned to Tomoko's parents' home, knowing that she had moved to live there after the divorce. She wasn't there.

She was dead along with his four-year son. Terrified of the news, he asked about them in the local hospital and knew that she had been sick and unable to get medicine. He heard nothing about Kouichi there except from an old woman who told him that the child was sick too.

He left with a heavy heart and two death certificates with him. It wasn't difficult to get one for his elder son. Judging from the circumstances, there was no doubt that the boy had died with his mother.

That night, he entered his house in Shibuya, blaming himself for the lie that had become true. There was no one named Kouichi anymore and Kouji's mother was dead.

He couldn't stop blaming himself for what happened to them. It had been his fault. He had killed his wife and son because he was a coward. If he was courageous enough to make sure that they were fine, they would have been alive. He had lost them both because he didn't deserve them and he no longer deserved Kouji too. Moving on was impossible. There was no way he could look at Kouji's face without remembering that his other son had died because he couldn't offer him medical treatment. Darkness swallowed the three following years of his life. He had continued working but he had lost the feeling of being a father. It became a duty to take care of Kouji. Till he met her. She showed him that blaming himself for his wife's death would take him nowhere. Step by step, he loved his life again because Satomi gave him hope that he could be a good father. They started dating and few months later, they married. Kouji wasn't happy about it but he had been young. He would understand when he grow up, that was what Kousei believed. It hurt to lie to her but he couldn't gather the courage to tell her the truth.

That truth wouldn't bring the dead back. Or maybe not.

Four years later, one of his co-workers had told him about a boy that looked a lot like his son and he started chasing that hope. And found it eventually. But that hope didn't lead him to the son he had left years ago. What he had found in his place was a broken doll who had lost its innocence and childhood. Kouichi had always reached for others to play with him but the boy he had found there was trembling from strangers. That boy had been a broken shadow from his dead son.

But a shadow was better than nothing at all.

'Kousei?'

He wasn't able to recognize where he was when Satomi's interrupted his thoughts. He looked at her tired face then sighed and took off his glasses.

'I have to return to Tokyo in the morning.' He was collected in his words, working too hard not to reveal his weakness even to his wife.

'We have to talk. We need to,' she whispered urgently.

'I am busy now. We can tal-'

She surprised him by shouting angrily, tears escaped finally, 'It can't wait. _I_ can't wait! What you are doing is wrong. It is wrong!'

Upon looking at his shocked face, she shook her head and broke down suddenly. 'You have to stop. This is enough, Kousei. Please.' Her voice was muffled by the tears but she made sure to make it as clear as she could. When she found him in the home office, she couldn't stop herself from rushing inside breathlessly.

'I know.' He rested his head on his laced fingers and avoided her eyes.

'Then why are you doing it?' she was shouting, contradicting her calm nature.

'Because I have to. I have to protect my son, Satomi.'

'You son? Kouichi is your son too. What do you want to protect Kouji from?'

'I am talking about Kouichi! I have to protect him.' One of his hands hit the desk angrily. He felt pained to hear her reminding him that Kouichi is his son.

'W-What do you mean? Protect him from whom?' Confusion invaded her as she collapsed on the chair tiredly.

He sighed. 'They might take him again, Satomi. Kouichi doesn't have any legal existence here.'

'What? But you have adopted him!'

'I bought him.'

Her eyes widened at the bitter words he uttered slowly. He continued, begging her silently not to interrupt his explanation. He had never expected himself to be in this position. He wasn't going to tell her but he had to. If he wanted her to believe in him…if he wanted her to help him, he had to be honest no matter what the consequences might be.

'The orphanage allows parents to adopt kids for three months and then they have to return them. Kouichi is the first kid whom they allowed to be completely taken by someone. However they refused to sign legal papers for permanent adoption and instead they kept things informal in order not to cause them legal problems. Adopters usually pay a good deal of money for three months so losing a boy to someone forever is a loss to them. How much do you think I paid to bring Kouichi with me?'

He didn't wait her answer. 'I paid three million yen. And I don't mind paying the double if I have.'

'Impossible.'

'They traded him with money and yet they refused to give him up legally, promising me that they won't try to take him again. And that I have their word as a promise.'

'You mean you paid without even making sure that they won't come back?' The thought was horrifying in her mind. His nod caused a shiver to invade her body.

'The only legal paper I have is the temporary adoption for three months. They said it is not that important and that they weren't going to use it against me but I could never trust them. I have to make Kouichi's existence here legal before the end of these months or else they would take him. They aren't going to give him up this easily.'

He gritted his teeth and raised his voice. 'Those bastards have been treating my son as a toy for years and I couldn't do anything about. There is no way in hell I would let them touch him again.'

'But he had his birth certificate. Why did you burn it?'

He replied, eyes full of regret and remorse. 'Because I registered him dead years ago so a birth certificate now is useless. It could be used against me.'

It was too much for her to bear. So many lies. So many half-truths. He looked at her sympathetically then sighed. 'I am sorry. You didn't have to go through all this. I will take him to the hospital after tomorrow. They would take care of him.'

'Why are you so eager to send him to the hospital?' She couldn't help but ask. If he truly loved his son then why would he force him to go through all this mess.

'He needs to. He suffered so much before coming here. You are the one who suggested a therapist. A hospital would take care of him. Besides, the hospital is an important part in my plan.'

'Plan?' She asked bitterly.

'The hospital will surely send him to an orphanage as there is no proof of him living in one. A proper one.' He smiled sadly. 'Then I can adopt him legally. He would live normally with us.

She couldn't believe it. 'This is insane. It won't work! What about the police? What if Kouichi told them?'

'It has to work.' He closed his eyes. 'Kouichi wouldn't say a word. I am sure of that.'

'Then why didn't you do that from the very beginning. Why did you put him in so much pain?'

'I had believed the orphanage. When I took Kouichi, I only wanted him to adapt to his new life. I tried to get him closer to Kouji and everything was perfect. It was Takasu–san who warned me of their real intentions. He really wanted to adopt Kouichi and I am sure he and his wife liked him so they wanted to help me in giving him a normal life. He investigated the case when I was in Tokyo few days ago and we found out that there was no time. We didn't have any alternative. a week was left from the three months.'

Satomi took a deep breath and managed to get herself to actually listen to his justification. It was her chance to understand the mess around her. Before she knew, another question was formed on the tips of her tongue. 'And the drugs?'

'He needed them not to collapse. I didn't use them to get him addicted. Till he is offered a medical help, they would work.'

'But he was getting better and Kouji was…'

'Kouji loves him. I know how much Kouichi means to his twin even if Kouji denied it or forgot it. Kouji had always cared and I knew that it was a matter of time before he fall in the protective brother mood.' He smiled at that then paused and lowered his voice painfully. 'I don't want them to get close till I make sure that they will stay together.'

He had to separate them then. If Kouji got closer to his twin, he wouldn't allow Kousei to take his brother away. And without Kouji there, Kouichi would collapse. The painkillers were the only way to prevent him from breaking down. He wanted to take Kouichi to the hospital whether it was because of the drug overuse or not but it seemed like a believable excuse to Kouji then despite how sadistic or inhumane it seemed . Even if Kouji hated him…even if no one understood him, he would go on. He had to.

The solution he yearned for was unrealistic and built on total gambling but he was desperate and a desperate father would do anything to save what is precious to him. He reassured himself that he has no other alternative…that it was the only way to make his life normal; to make their life normal. His sons would understand one day. He didn't Want them to understand now. Children should not be involved in adults' game. His fingertips ran through his hair desperately. It would be all right. It should be all right. He would make sure to choose a good hospital and a good orphanage as fast as he could. Kouichi would be fine there. And in few days, he will bring him home again. Then he would be able to involve him fully in their life. His son would be Minamoto Kouichi once again. Who knows maybe he could even send him to Kouji's school.

Selfish. Stupid. Self-centered. It didn't matter how he described himself just how it didn't matter how absorbed his "solution" seemed to him.

A gentle hand brushed over his clenched fist on the wooden desk. He raised his head and gazed at Satomi's eyes.

'Kousei…' she called him softly.

His eyes met with her and she forced a smile. A true smile.

'I want to believe in you. I need to. ' She reminded herself and him at the same time. It would take them nowhere not to trust him. She couldn't force herself to agree with him but she could always support him. As long as that support would help her small family to stay together. That small family included Kouichi as well.

And he understood her and felt ashamed of himself. She was the one who enlightened his life and she deserved to know earlier.

Kousei returned his wife's smile with a greatful "Thank You."

Because they were parents no matter how much they erred. No matter how far they would go to correct a mistake, they would put things in their place again for their kids' sake. And it doesn't matter if their kids weren't able to recognize how great or bad they were. They were simply parents.

**To Be Continued~**

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><p><strong>Author Note<strong>

Geeeez, it is done. And guess what? I am not happy with it. It seemed like exams had sucked all the inspiration I have. I could hardly pull the strings together in this chapter and the dialogue was a real pain.

Again, the technical information regarding Kousei's idea is completely fictional so please don't mind them. What Kousei is doing is wrong but as mentioned he was desperate and desperation would lead to fatal decisions. There is a possibility that everything would break down for him but he is not ready to see that. I am sorry for the less than great chapter but I needed to write it to move on. Gomen nasai!

So with this chapter, the parents stage is closed. We will return to the twins in the coming chapter with a nice cliffhanger there …=^.^=…


	11. Last Regrets

**Author Note **

Hello everyone. Sorry for being so late :(

Just a quick note; this chapter is rated M for reasons you'll realize after reading it. The coming two chapters or so are the same. No worries from imagery though. Sadly I am not that good at painting tragic or bloody scenes. The first and last scene are a bit messy but considering the emotional condition of the characters, it is natural.

Thanks for everyone who is reading this story. Enjoy ^_^

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><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni <strong>

**Chapter Eleven**

**Last Regrets  
><strong>

It was much easier to let things fall apart than hold them together. That could be explained as running away but at the moment he didn't want anything other than running. Letting go of everything would make him heal or at least get lost in the endless sea of tears. When humans come to this world they cry because they entered a world full of idiots. He wondered whether he was going to cry once he leave the stage. No need to know though.

There wouldn't be any time to search for tears then. He no longer knew wheather he wanted to feel or not. Voices continued to whisper in his ears asking him to wake up. Familiar and comforting. Yet he refused to listen. He wanted to get closer to the soft voices. They begged him to stay away.

But he wouldn't. Couldn't.

He would join them…He needed their warm embrace even if that meant abandoning the whole world. Ironically, the world rejected him so it made sense to turn his back to it and give up everything.

He was drowning slowly and numbly. It felt _so_ good not to feel anything at all. He wouldn't bother them anymore.

_"Never give up, Kou-chan!" _The pleading whisper was enough to tempt him to laugh. He couldn't though. A voice in his head answered the trembling plead. _"It's too late…I tried…I'm sorry."_

His head hurts and he finally ignored the overcoming pain. It wouldn't take long before all that mortal pain vanish.

Closing his eyes, the bloody water announced the play's end. The curtains fell down.

* * *

><p>'KAA-SAN? KOUICHI?' The scream tore his throat as he called what remained from the fragile images of his dream. His hand was stretched towards the ceiling as if trying to touch something. That was illogical. Even in the dream, they were far from him. He didn't deserve to be closer to them. He opened his eyes slowly with difficulty, surprised by the tears that clung to his eyelashes.<p>

'A dream?'

It should have been a dream. Life wasn't that nice to offer him a chance to see his mother and talk to her. Yeah, they talked about something important. What was it again?

He couldn't remember. That was good…

He buried his head in the stifling pillow. It didn't matter what they talked about anyway no matter how important it was.

He wondered why he had that strange dream in the first place. Was it guilt that drove his dreams to go insane or maybe because he had never overslept even if it was a holiday. Last night was so weird. The disconnected dreams were shattered and mixed. Yet all of them had something that unify them. Kouichi was in every single one of them. His twin was lying limply in his mother's lap. She was busy stroking his wet hair. Thinking about it, Kouichi's clothes looked so wet that they plastered against his skin sickly. Was his fever that high in the dream to be covered in sweat? Why should he suffer even in his own dream? That wasn't fair…

Kouji shook his head violently. The dreams meant nothing to him. They didn't make enough sense to give him the chance to interpret them. They were futile just like how everything else was.

It was a light punishment for being a heartless monster with Kouichi the previous day. Very simple punishment because he couldn't really remember Kouichi's face nor his mother's. Whether they were angry at him or disappointed wasn't clear. And that made him feel better. Funnily, he must have cried during those dreams yet he kept considering them nice enough not to be looked at as nightmares.

He wished he could continue sleeping but the sudden persisting door ringing was stronger than his desire to stumble under the thick blanket. Getting rid of the blanket, he left his futon and walked towards the door. Luckily he didn't stumble in his way to the room's door. He couldn't get used to sleeping in the guests room even after spending the previous few days there.

'I am coming.'

Satomi wasn't home otherwise she would have saved him the trouble from opening the door himself. His mind wasn't in the right place when he headed towards the front door or else he would have noticed how strange he looked. No one open the front door of their house in their sleeping clothes after all.

* * *

><p>'Hey!'<p>

Kouji stared blankly at Takuya's cheerful face. The brunet grinned widely and pushed his way inside.

'It is so cold out there. Close the door!' Takuya rubbed his temples and trembled as the cold air kept invading the room.

Kouji shook his head and sighed before closing the door and following his guest. He was feeling cold himself but Takuya's appearance caused him to delay thinking about the outer cold to think more about the internal hell that boiled inside him.

What on earth was Takuya doing here after everything happened between them? He thought it was all over. But no this was Takuya. The guy who never gave up poking his nose in others' business. Kouji fought giving a small smile at the thought. Takuya wasn't the type to let go of his friends because they had a fight. Seriously, they were together for years and Takuya was so used to his lone-wolf mode. Anyway, he didn't allow himself to seem further surprised at the shocking appearance of his friend in front of his door. Standing like a status after opening the door was embarrassing enough.

'So how are ya doing? Takuya started, glad that the heat system was working efficiently.

Kouji answered coldly, 'Fine I guess.'

They sat in silence for a while before Takuya took a deep breath. He locked eyes with Kouji for less than a second, gave a thoughtful sigh and jumped from his place. Before causing Kouji a heart attack from the sudden change of place, he bowed so low. That startled Kouji even more.

'Gomen nasai!' Takuya breathed out. His heart running a mile per second. The scene was so strange to anyone who knew him. The Takuya whom everyone knew wouldn't apologize even if he was wrong. He was as stubborn as him after all.

'W-what?' Kouji stuttered, eyes so wide.

Takuya straightened up slowly and replied in a shameful tone, 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blamed you even if you were mistaken.'

Kouji just blinked.

He explained thoughtfully. 'A friend shouldn't only mention his friend's mistake. I don't have the right to blame you for something I can't do anything about. I'm equally mistaken.'

Kouji looked away. 'You shouldn't do anything about it. He's not your brother. Why do you feel guilty anyway?' The question that made him boil with anger and envy during their last talk followed their current conversation.

'Because I told him that we can be friends. And I was sure that we'd be friends if he took his time to decide. I'm supposed to be his friend. I should help him…' he looked at the floor. Sadness seemed so strange when it covered his face. He bit his lip harshly and whispered, 'I am your friend too. I shouldn't blame you and watch your world shatter in front of my eyes. What kind of friend give up on his best friend and ignore his new friend's pain?'

'You really want to be his friend. It wasn't out of pity?' Kouji asked painfully. Strangely, he felt glad. There was someone out there who thought about his brother without pitying him. Someone whom he could trust with his life. It was weird but comforting. He felt as if he could really make everything all right. Takuya was as stubborn as hell when he wanted something so maybe they could find a solution. Maybe he could think of Kouichi as a brother just how he had tried to for weeks.

But No. Nothing hurt more than a false hope and he didn't need it. It was a lost case. Didn't he blame Kouichi for hoping in the first place?

'Kouji, are you okay?

'Yeah.'

'Are you sure?' Takuya sounded worried and he didn't hate that. It was nice.

'I just need time to move on.' Yeah. That was what he needed. It would be easier to forget than to keep blaming himself. Who knew? Maybe his father had already taken Kouichi during the night. The thought made him shiver but he suppressed it.

'Do you really want to move on?' Takuya asked seriously. Warm eyes were trying so hard to make an eye contact with Kouji's frozen ones. It had never been good to face a serious Takuya. Somehow that told Kouji how idiot he was that he needed a serious Takuya to knock some sense into him.

'What do you mean?'

'Kouji, you don't want your life to go back to its routine. I mean the routine before Kouichi entered your life so stop pretending that everything will be fine without him because that would never happen.'

'I'm good at adapting, Takuya. I'm not going to stay frozen in the same place for nothing. I'm the one who control my life not some weird boy.'

'Who you are calling weird is your twin. The twin who suffered so much from all those around him. The twin who needed you the most!' Takuya cried at the last part and pressed on. ' You can't just lie to yourself. You know how much you care about him.'

Kouji winced. It hurt to hear the truth from someone else. It had kept torturing him whenever he allow himself to think about Kouichi.

He replied as coldly as possible in a finality tone, 'I admit that I cared about him but it was useless. I'd better stop before hurting myself.'

Takuya didn't reply. He just looked at the ceiling as if wondering where to go next. He declared out of the blue. 'By the way, your dog doesn't seem all right outside. No one seems to give him enough attention.'

'I thought Satomi feeds him.'

'Why don't you go outside to make sure he is okay. I bet he missed you. It'd been a while since you walked him outside, right?'

Kouji just nodded. The change in topic was welcomed but a faint feeling told him that Takuya aimed at something else.

'By the way do you sleep with your hair tied? It's so messy.'

Just then Kouji realized that he truly looked so messed up. He had never allowed anyone to see him when his hair was messy. Takuya chuckled at the face he made but he hmphed and ignored it.

'I'll see Tsukiyoru. Don't do anything stupid!'

'Hai~' Takuya smiled innocently.

* * *

><p>It took him less than two minutes to return to the living room. Tsukyioru needed a walk for sure. Kouji wondered when he would be able to take him outside. When he came back Takuya was no where to be seen in the living room<p>

'Takuya?' he called worriedly. A sickening feeling screeched inside him.

The only place he expected his friend there was his currently abandoned room. And he was right. When Kouji arrived, Takuya looked at him with the coldest glare Kouji had ever seen.

'Where is he?' Takuya hissed angrily. 'He didn't go, did he?'

Kouji's heart sank even further. He avoided Takuya's flamed glare and gazed at the empty beds. Kouichi's blanket was thrown on the floor. Their mother's photo wasn't there. He breathed heavily. It couldn't be. His father couldn't have taken him. Not yet.

His heart ached and sweat covered his forehead. He must have looked so pale because Takuya stopped glaring at him. In the freezing silence that chilled the room, they could faintly hear the running water in the bathroom. Takuya was the first to notice it.

'Maybe he is taking a shower.' He pointed out, ignoring how illogical it was. Kouichi wasn't healthy enough to be trusted with taking a shower on his own. Yet he ignored his logic and preferred to feel slightly relieved. It meant that there was a chance. He wanted to talk to Kouichi no matter what. Surely, Kouji had said stupid things to him and it was his responsibility to take care of the mess his best friend had made. They could all be friends, right?

What scared him was Kouji's paler expressions. He looked as if he had been struggling to breath. Had he been so harsh with him? Or was Kouji that worried? Maybe that was a good sign. Kouji must have cared so much over his twin to look that scared yet…

'Kouji?'

'Something is wrong!' Kouji fought so hard not to fall. The moment he allowed his emotions to leak, he felt so exposed. His heart was trembeling with unknown fear but a familiar one. He had felt it before when he had been at Takuya's house that day. The small reasoning part of him was struggling to calm him down. His father couldn't have taken Kouichi without him noticing and there was no way he would leave without even caring to put everything in its place at least. Some of Kouichi's clothes were in the laundry basket in the corner. And the running water. He couldn't have left without noticing that he left it open.

'No…' the illogical side inside him screamed in horror at the passing image of that dream. And before realizing it, he pushed the bathroom door open.

Kouji was going to faint. He could tell it. The sickening scent in the foggy air was enough to strangle him to death. The hot steam in the bathroom drove him insane but what made him lose his senses completely was the disgusting rosy water that touched his bare feet. A shiver ran down his spin like a lightening struck. Everything seemed like a scene from a drama. The deadly steam, the bloodied water, the shattered glass beside the bathtub said everything. The dangling bleeding wrist on the bathtub's side...

'K-Kouichi!'

His voice was dead in his throat so it was Takuya who had the courage to force his voice to appear. His friend ran to the bathtub and shouted at him hysterically to help him.

Help him to do what? He didn't even want to know. Takuya continued screaming words that were so foreign to him. Meaningless words. He stared at the brown-haired boy as he left his brother's still form from the hot bathtub water. Kouichi's body wasn't heavy but Takuya was trembling so hard that he couldn't clutch him tighter. Kouji kept staring at them blankly as if they were wandering figures from a psychotic nightmare. It looked awkward to witness without even blinking. His body's functions weren't responding to anything except shivering terrifyingly. His mind refused to give any orders...refused to get the play that was realistically performed in front of him.

'Move you idiot!' Another scream and he felt Takuya's wet hands pulling him towards the asleep form on the floor. Takuya said something else about an ambulance and a phone before running outside the bathroom. It didn't really matter.

Kouichi was lying in front of him. Helpless. Lifeless. Hopeless… And he himself was more dead than alive to understand what was going around him. His arms moved on their own as they clutched the silent figure to their embrace. Kouichi's clothes were so damp and wet that caused him to shiver even more but he didn't care about how wet his clothes were becoming. The other's pale skin was much colder than his own frozen skin…much paler.

'…Ichi…' The call was eaten alive by his horror.

_'Why can't you simply…die?'_

He had asked him to die, right? He should be happy, right? Kouichi had enough. It was only natural that he would try to leave them forever. Didn't he tell him that himself? Kouichi had repeatedly asked him to stop humilating him but he had continued blaming him for remaining alive- for being a passive doll.

And it was because of him. He had killed his brother. His eyes wandered to the wet clothes that hugged the other in their fragile embrace. Just like in the dream. Kouichi was sleeping in his lap. In the dream, their mother…no he didn't deserve her. She was Kouichi's mother. She was stroking his hair gently then but he was afraid to touch him. Afraid to hurt him even more.

A pool of blood continued forming slowly around them and the scent was enough to tempt him to throw up but he didn't have the energy to. Kouichi's wrist was now wrapped in a tight white towel that turned into ugly red. Absentmindedly, he gripped the nearby towel and replaced the previous one with it. The brief moment in which the wound was naked to him, he felt like dying. The scratches were thin and deep. So carefully cutting the sensitive skin. It was cut with glass and he knew which glass was it. The towel he used was under his mother's broken portrait. The picture was safe but the covered glass was shattered into pieces. How cruel it was to use his mother's portrait to put an end to everything. No, it wasn't awkward. His mother would be happy to take him in her arms in the other world...unlike everyone else.

He left the limb body in kindness he was surprised to find inside his stony heart. Embracing him tightly was the only thing he could do. Hot, idle tears accompanied his hysterical broken laughter. 'It is...over now, right Kouichi?'

'H-happy?'

'You must be…'

He laughed again madly and clutched the body closer. Tears washed the other's face. 'It's unfair.'

'You can't just go… You can't leave…you can't just die. DAMN IT!' The facade disappeared and he was naked. A child who is witnessing death with unbearable guilt. Logic didn't have a place. Not there when he couldn't even remember why he had been so numb before.

Kouichi's didn't even blink. His face was so peaceful…so emotionless and it didn't feel right at all. Kouji expected to see a small soft smile but there wasn't any. He couldn't leave without even saying goodbye…

'Don't take him 'Kaa-san!' He cried out in the agony of a little child. An image of a small happy family shattered in front of him. His mother was holding Kouichi's hand and walking away from him without even looking back. He had screamed after them to wait for him…just like how his younger self had done many years ago. In defeat, he protested weakly. 'You two…c-can't l…leave m-me a-again!'

'Damn it all!' He gazed wildly around him as if waiting his mother's spirit to appear, to mock him, to shout at him...to take the only thing she left for him with her. 'Don't take him…I beg you. I-I...n-need him. S-so early. Please.' The words no longer made sense.

His mind stopped reasoning and thinking all together. He rested his head on the boy's wet hair and whispered to himself. 'You're right 'kaa-san. I-I don't…d-deserve him…'

He didn't feel cold anymore. Hugging Kouichi made him warm despite how cold the other's body was.

'I-I'm s-s-sorry…' He sobbed in a heartbreaking voice. His heart was melting and he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. Kouichi's faint breathing heated his skin, warming him. It felt so horribly comfortable to just lean there with Kouichi between his arms.

The world shut its door in front of him and he wished for nothing more than not waking up again.

**_To Be Continued~!_**


	12. Before the Dawn

**Author Note**

This chapter is rated above T and slightly M just because if the themes but nothing explict so no worries. Sorry for being late and leaving you with the previous cliffhanger. Thanks so much for everyone who is supporting this fic so far. I'm grateful for your insightful comments and views.

Enjoy ^_^

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><p><strong>Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni <strong>

**Chapter Twelve**

**Before the Dawn**

Sleepiness and Awakening are separated by a thin line. The moment you realize that you open your eyes, you'll see another world you're familiar with. The burning light told his eyelashes to part slightly but his mind refused to let go of his dreamless sleepiness. The light was so hot and painful that he couldn't do anything except welcoming the real world that spread in front of his eyes.

A freaked out voice was the first thing that registered to him after how damned the artificial light was. The third thing was the clean smell in the air. Too clean to suffocate him…much different from the death scent he had felt before sleeping. His heart beats jumped so crazily that he expected a heart attack. He sat in his bed and looked around him wildly. The voice's source approached him hurriedly in hopes to placate his fears.

'It's okay, Kouji.' The female voice sighed in relief when he looked at her calmly and resumed.' We were so worried. I am glad you're okay.' A combination of tiredness and worry threatened to lead her to falling apart but she tried to remain as strong as she could.

'We're in the hospital.' She answered the expected question before even being pronounced. He gazed at her silently for a long time as if he couldn't put a finger on who she was. She smiled kindly and sat next to him on the bed.

'It's okay now.' She repeated in assurance.

This time he avoided looking at her eyes and fixed his gaze on the white blanket. So white. So pure. The same whiteness degree that the towel had before turning into disgusting bloody red. Images flowed to his mind like a waterfall. He shivered, hands fisting the sheets as if they were his life line. The images didn't stop shattering his mind into pieces. .

'Of course it's.' He was surprised at his steady tone despite the stuttered letters that jumped over each other. It was impressive that he could say anything at all. He continued darkly .'I wonder if his ghost would leave us alone.'

A laugh that was mixed with strangling sobs. 'Everything is okay now. He won't be here to turn our perfect life into hell.'

'K-Kouji…'Satomi was startled by his words but he ignored her completely.

'Did you burn him? I'm sure he didn't even get a grave in the end. He'd like be laid by his mother's grave but he couldn't, could he? _My_ _father_ doesn't really know where that grave is after all.' He started his words with a trembled smile to end up crying silently.

'Please, Kouji. '

'I told him to die and he was such a good brother to listen to me.' Kouji looked at her before giving a wide, awkward smile that tried so hard to stay strong but failed as tears kept falling. 'I'm so happy. I don't have to worry about anything anymore.'

'That's enough!' she couldn't raise her voice, her own tears couldn't hold on any longer.

'He had enough, you know.' His eyes wandered to the blank ceiling as he addressed her. 'You'd enough too. You should be happy now.' He smiled so sweetly to her. 'It's all over. Otou-san must have been too happy to even face me. Can't blame him. Kouichi had done a favor to all of us. I shouldn't have tried to…to'

And he collapsed completely as if he had finally realized the tip-toing tears that sneaked in agony.

He had tried to say anything but couldn't not only because words refused to make a sesne but because of the arms that hugged him tightly. He was startled but so drained to push her away.

'Don't do this to yourself, Kouji…please.' She pleaded between the sobs.

'W-why?'

She pulled away slightly to look at his sorrowful eyes. 'We were worried about both of you.'

His eyes widened dramatically but he didn't say anything.

'I meant it when I said everything will be okay. Your brother, you and us will be okay.'

'W-what do you mean?'

'If you had done anything to him that would be saving him. You and Kanabara-kun had done a great job.' She sobbed again as if she could hardly believe what she was talking about.

'I-I didn't…'

Her hands patted his shoulders proudly. 'You two had stopped the bleading and you kept him warm enough not to catch a deadly cold. Kananara-kun called the ambulance quickly. If it weren't for you two…' She smiled sincerely.

He had listened to her but he could barely understand what the words meant. They had saved him. Would that mean Kouichi was…?

'Your father is with the doctor now. Kouichi's condition is stable.'

'He didn't care. To him, it'd be better if…'

She shook her head and said sternly. 'Your father was dead worried. Don't judge him cruelly, Kouji. He loves you two so much.'

She didn't agree with Kousei's way of solving the problem but she couldn't stand hearing his son misjudge him without knowing anything.

'He won't let you two live apart. He's trying so hard to keep you together so please trust him a bit more. Just don't hate him…'

Her words were so awkward but were uttered with deep confidence and ultimate trust as if she had known something he didn't know. Without further thinking, he just nodded.

'It isn't fair though.' He said suddenly, ready to open his heart for the first time.

She held his right hand tightly and encouraged him to continue.

'He wanted to die and we had stopped him. He wouldn't forgive us.'

'Then why shouldn't we change that?' she tightened her grip on the child's cold hand. 'If he woke up to find everything the same, he wouldn't like it but if he found that everything had changed, he would give us another chance, right?'

Allowing the child inside him to pronounce his thoughts, he wondered. 'What do you mean?' He needed to listen to someone else. Someone who is older enough to give him advice.

'We're his family, Kouji. We have to let him feel that. It's our responsibility.' Another smile that lightened the room softly.

Satomi said shamefully. 'I hurt him so much.'

He was about to protest. If anyone had been nice to Kouichi, that person would be Satomi. She continued. 'I considered him a burden and I hated how his existence destroyed my normal life. I merely pitied him and that hurts even more than treating him badly. If I was against Kousei's behaviors, it would be due to my sense of justice and not my feelings towards Kouichi.'

'He is so sensitive. It was so easy for him to tell who had really cared about him. Unfortunately no one.' Kouji whispered as if talking to himself.

'That's not true. You cared so much about him. You still care otherwise you wouldn't have been here.' She reassured gently before heaving a long sigh. 'I have to go now. I must tell your father about you.'

'Would he take him away?' He inquired helplessly.

The way he wondered was so torn and hopeless. He looked like a young child to her. Soon she found herself hugging him like a mother. 'He would never take him from you, Kouji. You should stay together.'

'Thank you.' It had been the first time he had ever thanked her from the bottom of his heart and that was enough to let her cry again but she stopped herself by heading towards the door.

'Kanabara-kun wanted to stay but it was getting late so his father had taken him home. He's a good friend.' She added as a final thought before closing the door behind her.

He came to like her. She was different from how he had expected her to be even after years of living together. She showed her emotions freely without hiding them behind the collected mask she used to wear. She was so kind and caring. Satomi wanted to help his brother. She wanted him to be a part of their family and in return she asked to be a member too.

* * *

><p>Depending on others was something he rejected but he didn't truly despise it that much now. If it weren't for Takuya, Kouichi would have been dead. And if Satomi wasn't with him when he woke up, he would have gone insane.<p>

Kouji knew that he shouldn't leave his room but he couldn't remain there. It was three in the morning. Most patients were asleep. No one had suspected him when he asked for Kouichi's room number. It took a while for a nurse to find a patient with the description he gave which surprised him. When he asked about Kouichi, she couldn't find any similar name in the data but once telling her how he looked like and why he had been there, she had gave him to required information.

Room 417 was two floors from his current room. When he was three rooms near the targeted room, he faintly heard the familiar cold voice of his father. A slight shiver ran down his spin. His father wouldn't be happy to see him out his room. Yet that was the surface reason for his tension. He wasn't ready to face him. In fact, he didn't want to face him. Not yet. Despite his worries, he couldn't overcome the curiosity that took over him suddenly. His father's voice was low and careful as if he was thinking about every word. The source of the voice was a doctor's room. Making up his mind, he came too d dangerously close. Luckily for him, the door was slightly open.

Satomi's gentle voice appeared seconds later to be formally interrupted by the doctor.

'So Minamoto-san, the boy had been found by you few days ago in a critical condition and wasn't well enough to be taken to a hospital so you kept him home for a while to recover.'

His father nodded.

The doctor wrote dawn something in his notes. Then asked professionally. 'Is it true that the boy had no information whatsoever about him and you couldn't get anything from him except his name? Kouichi wasn't it?

Satomi seemed baffled with what she was hearing but she remained quite while Kousei involved himself fully in the conversation.

'That's right, Takashi-sensei. He was so sick to be sent to an orphanage and the police might not be too kind to a homeless child so I considered keeping him for a short time before sending him to a proper orphanage.'

'So you want to send him to an orphanage?'

'True but in order to adopt him legally.' Kousei sighed in tiredness and continued. 'You see my wife and son had become so fond of him. He became like a part of our family.'

'Hmm, isn't this a bit awkward? According to you, he stayed in your house for less than two weeks. And if you were so nice to him, why would he try to commit suicide?' The doctor asked suspiciously.

'I'm sorry, sensei but your tone holds accusation.' Kousei said sharply, narrowing his eyes. 'Two weeks wouldn't be enough for him to heal from whatever happened to him in the past no matter how kind we were to him.'

The doctor was taken aback by the serious tone and laughed good naturally. 'I am sorry to disturb you, Minamoto-san. I'm not a police officer but it was kinda weird to witness such an incident.

Kousei remained as cold as ice. 'I believe there would be no need for the police then.'

The doctor leaned back in his chair and took his eyes off. ' As long as you can prove that the child hadn't been hurt during the two week he lived with you, there would be no need to.'

The doctor was young and ambitious with smart dark eyes. He knew that causing trouble for a famous lawyer like Minamoto Kousei wouldn't be beneficial besides the Minamotos seemed as if they really care about the boy. He cleaned his glasses and looked between Kousei and his wife before explaining professionally. 'It's true that all the wounds on the boy's body seem at least four months old. We also found a high percentage of drugs in his blood. Not high enough to be dangerous. He isn't addicted or anything so don't worry.'

Kousei faked a relieved sigh. 'He wasn't emotionally stable though.'

'That's natural after what he had been through. As a doctor, I'm not supposed to leak any information about the patient to someone other than his family but taking the conditions in consideration, I have to tell you.'

'Go on, sensei.'

Getting their attention, the black-haired doctor started. 'His body is full of wounds and scars. Some are old and some are few months new. One of his kidneys is missing and we can safely say that that operation wasn't legal. In other words he had been subject to some illegal operation to trade his internal members. That isn't fatal but it must have caused him a trauma. He must have been abused physically and even sexually. '

Satomi gasped in horror. 'You don't mean…?'

The doctor apologized just how a doctor should after giving some unpleasant information. 'I'm afraid it's true. We're used to such cases. Homeless kids are subject to that. It's not surprising for a boy his age with an adorable face like his.' The doctor sounded really sorry. 'He has innocent features and if he was living in the streets for a while, it would be unfortunately normal that he had been a victim to some psychos. As a result he had a trauma that could endanger his life. I can't say he wouldn't try killing himself again if he could. He must have been scared.'

Kouji was in another world during hearing all their interaction. His head was spiraling with terrible flashbacks. Kouichi's traumatic reactions. The way he kept hiding from everyone. All that fear. All that horror in his eyes when he called him a doll that could be bought easily. The nightmares. The desire to die.

They kept talking about "the boy" and he couldn't tolerate it any longer. His father had remained cool and understanding but he could see him trembling in rage. Kousei looked more professional than the doctor but what the doctor couldn't see, Kouji noticed clearly. The way his father had fisted his palm under the table. The raged expressions that flashed in his eyes during the doctor's explanation. For a moment, he thought his father would break something or shout at the doctor to stop but the exhaustion prevented him from other than nodding every now and then.

The lie his father had weaved seemed very believable and he couldn't bring himself to storm into the room to deny it. His father had planned for something but he couldn't get what it was. He admitted that he wanted to adopt Kouichi but why? Hadn't he already adopt him? Why did he deny that? Satomi had remained silent as if she was surprised herself but not shocked…as if she knew something he didn't.

He didn't really care as long as his father wanted to take Kouichi back with them. What mattered to him was the boy they were talking about. His brother. He wished he could kill whoever had caused him pain before…to tear them into small pieces…to destroy them but he couldn't. At the moment it wasn't important what had happened but what he could do to erase its effects…to help his brother stand on his own.

He headed towards Kouichi's room with a heavy heart and with information he wished he remained ignorant to.

**To Be Continued~!**

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><p>Post Author Note<p>

In Japan, they burn dead bodies in funerals and that's what Kouji meant. I know that the doctor isn't so professional here but it's natural. He was curious and quite young to be totally professional in his work.

Thanks so much for your support *bows politely* I appreciate it =^.^=

Please tell me what you think. Till next time :)


	13. A Long-Waited Chance

**Author Note**

Ouch! It has been way too long since I updated. I'm so sorry, Minna-san. Bad me !

Anyway, here is the latest chapter of Kowareta Ita Nani No Tame Ni. Enjoy &hearts

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I merely own the plot :)**

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><p><strong>Kowareta Ita Nani No Tame Ni<strong>

**Chapter Thirteen**

**A Long-Waited Chance**

The room was sharply lighted. The walls seemed so murderously blank. The curtains were pulled down roughly to prevent fresh air from greeting the room. Kouji wanted to run away from the dominant suffocating atmosphere in the room but couldn't once his eyes found their aim.

Kouichi was asleep. Less paler than before and more constraint as if he was tied to this world which was literally and figuratively true. He trembled when the sight of the wrapped bandage around the patient's wrist caught his attention. And for a second, what had happened earlier repeated itself in his mind. He felt like throwing up. The flashbacks were so painful that he felt dizzy. In and out, he breathed heavily and shook the thoughts away. It wouldn't do him any good to collapse here. He wouldn't give himself such a comforting pleasure by falling unconscious to the world. He didn't deserve relief…not when the one who needed it the most was prevented from sleeping forever.

No. That's not what he should think about. Kouichi was alive. His mother hadn't taken him away. She had listened to Kouji's pleas…And that meant more than the world to him.

Approaching the bed hesitantly, he leaned closer. Their foreheads touched lightly. Kouichi's forehead was cold and sweaty. The ghost of a smile danced on his lips when he felt he felt other's tingled breath against his cheek. He leaned closer and hugged him tightly, burring his face in the other's hair and smelling it deeply. The dry hair smelt so good. It was calming, tempting to fall asleep. Just then, he felt how tired he was. He just wanted to close his eyes and sleep. His twin's breaths quickened dangerously but he was so dizzy to register that. They turned to gasps so quickly that he was sharply awakened from his pleasant doze.

'S-stay away.' the gasps were accompanied by a hoarse, terrified plead. Fragile arms tried to push him away in futile attempts. Kouichi _fought_ uselessly to get free from him.

It hurt. It hurt so much to feel how scared the other was. Scared of him. Of his hesitant embrace. Kouji bit his lower lip so harshly before undoing the hug with a heavy heart.

Kouichi was trembling beneath him. His eyes were watering as his gasps became scarier than ever. He stared at Kouji as if he was still dreaming.

Kouji fought not to bruise his lip any further by biting it mercilessly. 'It's me. Kouji.' As if his confession would make the world much better, he laughed mentally at his idiocy.

Ironically, that had calmed Kouichi instantly.

'Kouji?'

'Yes. No one else is here. Don't be scared.' Kouji spoke so softly to the point of surprising himself. It was so natural to speak nicely to Kouichi. For a moment, Kouji realized that he was forcing himself to sound harsh around Kouichi before. It was way easier and more comfortable to be himself with Kouichi.

Kouichi blinked before recognition made his eyes go so wide. He looked around him as if he was a bird in a cage. Words betrayed him. He couldn't even question where he was.

'A hospital.' Kouji answered shortly, saving him the trouble to ask.

The fearful tears that stood still in his eyes rolled down his cheeks solemnly. 'Why?' He sobbed harder. 'I should've died. W-why?'

Kouji clenched his palms into fists and whispered quietly. 'It's so early. You entered my life without permission. You can't just leave that easily.' He had been so cruel in his words but that was the only thing he could think about. It didn't matter how selfish he looked. It was true. Kouichi had walked into his life so suddenly. He had no right to leave his life without even a goodbye.

'Y-you asked me to. You wanted me to die. I've made it so easy for all of you.' Kouichi yelled. His words turned into burning fire.

'I didn't mean it…'

'You don't have to feel guilty.' Kouichi's eyes darkened accusignly. 'You stopped me. It must be you. No one was home except you.'

Stopped not saved, Kouji noted bitterly.

Kouji didn't ask how he knew it. He just looked away. 'I don't want you to die.'

'Stop playing with me!' Kouichi screamed. 'I' m not your toy to choose when to let me die!'

It didn't look real. Kouichi was too pacific to shout or to look angry but he was burning with fury in front of him. His breaths weren't controlled and he looked as if would collapse any minute.

'W-what do…you want me to do? Why didn't you let me go?' He gave up shouting and gazed at Kouji's identical eyes. 'Didn't you have enough, _Mianmoto-kun_?'

Kouji wanted to just disappear. It wasn't fair to imprison Kouichi in his life. Kouichi didn't want to live with them.

_'I wanted a life and a family.'_

No. Kouichi wanted a normal life. He had struggled so hard not to lose hope. Kouichi didn't want to die. They had led him to that edge and it was their responsibility to save him.

' 'Kaa-san wouldn't want you to give up.' Kouji said quietly. 'She wanted you to live happily. You can't give up on everything because you grow tired of fighting.' He didn't really knew from where the words were coming but he couldn't stop as if some unknown force was inspiring him. 'You wanted a normal life and we failed to give it to you yet you can't run away. There are people who still want-need you in their life.

'Takuya had saved you and I'm sure as hell that he's going insane now because he doesn't know how you're doing. He wants to be your friend at any cost. Satomi wants you a part of her family-'

'They pity me. They don't want to feel guilty if I died.'

Kouji sighed at how their conversation was going. He allowed himself to sit on the end of the bed, startling Kouichi.

'Not true. ' Kouji said confidently. After all Takuya had wanted to be Kouichi's friend before what happened.

Kouichi didn't comment. He just pushed himself up to lean against the bed but dizziness prevented him from balancing himself. Before he fell on the bed, Kouji helped him settle, putting the mattress behind him.

'Stop pretending to care.' That was harsh but Kouji didn't mind. He had been awful to him after all.

'I'm not pretending, Kouichi.'

Kouichi was shocked by the sincerity of the other's words and was even more mesmerized when he called him with his name.

Kouji sensed that and took a deep breath. 'Let's make a deal.'

'A deal?' Kouichi wondered.

Kouji sighed and closed his eyes tiredly. 'I'm an awful brother.' He ruffled his hair shamefully,noticing for the first time the lack of his beloved bandana but it didn't really matter then. He continued thoughtfully. 'If there is anyone who should die it should be me but I am so coward to do it. I-I can't face 'Kaa-san after everything I did.' He looked at the bed sheets as if remembering all the merciless things he had done to his brother. A shiver occupied his body as he stuttered, tears hidden behind a falling façade. 'She hates me.'

It was confusing to see Kouji without a mask. It seemed as if everything he was saying came directly from his heart. His stubborn logic had fled for now. He wasn't ashamed of showing his emotions and that startled Kouichi. Kouji was behaving normally. He wasn't faking his expressions even the small, tired small he had just given Kouichi was real. That made him secure and comfortable as if another Kouji was dealing with him. The Kouji who had comforted him during that stormy night.

_No. Stop lying to yourself. He just feels guilty. He hates you. He doesn't want to be responsible for your death. That's all_

His mind scolded him darkly. He shouldn't trust Kouji. It was dangerous. It wasn't natural. Kouji could never live without masks. He was faking his kindness out of guilt and pity.

'Kouichi?' He snatched him from his thoughts.

'What is that deal about?' Kouichi asked stiffly. He tried to be cold and to hold on as long as he can but he was tired. He must have lost a lot of blood. His head was pounding like a war's drum and he could hardly stop himself from closing his eyes. He had to be strong just a little bit longer to hear Kouji. Not that he would believe him…

Kouji swallowed his nervousness and muttered in a voice that was mixture between hesitancy and pleading. 'I-I want to be your brother. For real this time.'

Kouichi gazed at him as if he was talking in a different language.

'Don't trust me or anything. I don't deserve your confidence. Just let me try to be your brother. You know me well enough by now. I am cold, idiot, stubborn, coward, self-centric, emotionless and other bunch of adjectives that suit me well enough but…'

He made an eye contact with Kouichi and whispered. 'I want a chance. I know that I don't deserve it but I need it. Just don't try anything suicidal again. At lease till you find something or someone to live for.'

Kouichi avoided the other's eyes. ' A chance to hurt me again. You blamed me for believing into you.'

' I'm sorry.'

'That won't solve anything.' Kouichi rested his head against the headboard, barely able to keep his eyes open.

Kouji was about to mutter another apologize as giving up sign to be surprised by Kouichi's murmur. 'I won't lose anything if you tried.' Kouichi paused. ' I don't have anything else to lose anyway besides I don't think they'll let me try to hurt myself again in a hospital.'

Kouji's shoulders slumped as if a heavy burden had just vanished. A true smile brushed against his pale lips as he pushed his tears away. Words of gratitude for getting a chance vanished as the door was opened abruptly.

The young doctor along with two nurses entered the room. Mianmoto Kousei was behind them.

'Isn't that your son, Minamoto-kun?' Takashi Niwa asked.

Kousei nodded and addressed his son. 'What are you doing here, Kouji?'

Kouji ignored him and looked at the doctor who approached the room's only bed with a needle in his hand.

'Now, Kouichi-kun, let's see how you're doing.' The doctor headed towards his patient with a blank face.

Kouichi trembled. A gasp escaped him as fear came over him again. The white coat was sickening. It was clean but that didn't prevent the pictures of scary doctors in dirty white coats to blind him. He screamed and crawled like a small ball of fur. His mind shouted, asking him to move or even to shout for help but he was paralyzed. That doctor. All doctors are scary. Fake.

'Stay away!'

It wasn't his voice. He opened his eyes slightly to see who was shouting in his very words.

Kouji was setting beside him on the bed, eyes glaring so deadly at the young doctor. His hands moved slowly and kindly to envelop himprotectively.

'Minamoto-kun, what does that mean?' The doctor asked impatiently.

'He's scared. Can't you see it? You're scaring him. Damn it!' Kouji roared hotly, daring anyone to take another step towards them.

One of the nurses saved the doctor the embarrassment of responding. She took the needle from the doctor's hand and throw it on the ground, surprising everyone.

'Don't be scared, Kouichi-kun. No one will hurt you now.' She chirped gently and came closer to them. A motherly smile calmed Kouji slightly. From the looks of it, she seemed more used to children than the male doctor.

'I'll let you deal with him for now, Kanade-san. Inform me of anything new.' The addressed nurse was younger than him but looked so kind with wide blue eyes and long blonde hair. She gave the feeling of a responsible older sister.

'Hai, sensei.' She smiled

He marched outside and motioned to Minamoto Kousei to follow him. The other nurse hid her chuckles, exchanged looks with her friend before following the two males outside. The door closed behind them.

For a brief second, Kouji could tell that his father had given him a proud smile before leaving. The smile disappeared once Kouji looked at him, making him wonder if it was only his imagination.

Kouichi relaxed against his chest. Futile, his attempts were to remain awake as he continued fighting sleepiness but Kouji had kindly put an end to that battle. He whispered protectively, 'Go to sleep. I...I'm not going anywhere.'

**To Be Continued**

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><p><strong>Author Note<strong>

Poor Kouichi! He has every right not to believe in Kouji but he has no other choice. What matters is thatKouji is trying to fix the mess he caused. Good boy XD. Welcome back, dear*grins*  
>Please fell free to tell me what you think and sorry for the very late update! Thank you so much for reading ^_^~!<p> 


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